I am new here so not sure how this goes, but I joined hoping that this might be a community of people that understand, can offer support & guidance based on their own experiences to help me get a little better.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 19 and halfway through my second year of uni. I spent an entire week on the floor of my room, barely eating or drinking anything. My flatmatest didn't even realise I was still in the house. Life made no sense for me anymore and it didn't feel like I could ever feel normal again.
Since then I've been doing CBT on and off (for about six years now) and for the most part I am doing quite well. I have a loving partner, the most supportive family and a small circle of wonderful friends (sadly spread across the globe, due to my frequent moving countries). All in all I consider myself a very lucky, healthy and successful person. Except for this depression.
Throughout the colder months (late Oct to about April normally), I suffer from SAD, which kind of takes my depression to a whole new level. I cry daily, struggle to get out of bed, am irritable and lack motivation to do the things I normally like to do. But I am still functioning. I still work full time (except for the odd day when I honestly just can't cope), I still push myself to exercise regularly and I still go to see friends and family with my partner.
But I just don't feel fine...I could scream, I feel like my insides are tearing me apart a little day by day. I can analyse it all, understand what's going on and still just not change it. I did some research and now think I might be a candidate for PDP or "high functioning depression"...Does anybody here have experience with this or advice/tips & tricks on how to handle the bad times?
Reading all the posts and stories on this site I honestly don't even feel like I qualify to post or ask for help. My life hasn't completely fallen apart and I know that no matter how bad I get, I will be able to somehow get through it. But that doesn't change the fact that it really hurts to live like this. This is not the life I want. I am scared to have kids one day because I don't want them to be impacted by this and I am scared I could drive away my partner eventually...I feel both privileged and completely hopeless/helpless at the same time
Hi and welcome! SAD, CBT and depression. Yep, that qualifies. Welcome! Everyone experiences mental health issues differently, so please don't think about not qualifying to post and ask for help. We are a peer support group navigating mental health together.
Have you had any blood tests done recently. Vitamin D deficiency could be related to SAD. Some studies have found light therapy also to be effective for SAD.
I have and my Vit D levels are actually too high...seems I should have decreased my supplementation a bit during the summer months... So now I am banned from taking it for a few months. And even though I know that my levels are sufficiently high, I feel like not taking the Vit D is making me feel worse too.
Colder months mean less sun, less opportunity to get outside, etc. A SAD light is worth the investment if you don’t have one. An example would be look into Verilux 10,000 lux adjustable ‘happy light’. Could supplement with Vit D in the colder/darker months. B12 Complex might help as well.
I’m a huge advocate for physical exercise. Even on my crappy days I still push to exercise as well. Diet can be a huge importance as well. Anything that provides self care as this is so important.
Next, it’s okay to not be okay no matter the degree you feel your depression, anxiety level is. We all here have varying degrees and different types of depression and anxieties, your are in a safe place and can post anytime you need to. A great number of members here understand and will lend caring and support.
I was a high functioning functioning depressive for many years, it was left untreated until it reached a point I was no longer functioning. It might be worth seeing a professional on a continual basis if your depression impacts your relationships, work and or other areas of your life that might start to decline. 🌺💜
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Hi Roxie! I hope you are doing well. I didn't even know there was such a thing as high functioning depression. High functioning autism yes, but not high functioning depression. I think I understand what this means, but can you tell me? Thanks!
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Actually there is no difference. High functioning just means it is difficult to spot the signs of someone with high-functioning depression cause On the outside, things appear completely fine. We go to work, accomplish our daily tasks, and keep up relationships, raise our kids, etc... But inside we are going through the motions to maintain our day-to-day life, and secretly screaming inside. I got to a point the facade I kept caved in eventually. 🌺💜
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oh, ok. Thanks.
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first of all, thank you both for the kind words & support!
A high functioning depression essentially means that you have depression, but are still able to do all the things that severely depressed people can't do anymore: Go to work, get out of bed, meet with friends, exercise etc.
So for me I would say that I FEEL the depression, but for the most part I can overcome the feelings to still lead a normal life. Like a constant state of really not being okay, but often not yet bad enough for people around you and often health professionals to realise there is something wrong...
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Thank you for explaining. Can I ask what kind of work you do? I used to work with special needs children (hence knowing about high functioning autism)
Hi I understand high functioning depression as I have suffered from this since childhood. I managed to work (though only at a low level) and every few years or so would have a crisis where I tried overdoses. No one knew and I could never explain how I felt.
Eventually I had talking therapy (CBT didn't help). At first I had group therapy then individual and gradually I started feeling happier. I realised that I needed certain things in my life ie friends to start to feel life was worth it. I had no social skills so set myself to learn them and in the end I did and was able to make and keep friends. In the course of this I discovered a lifelong passion, playing darts, and still love the game. I love darts itself but also the social life in pubs with friends and having a drink and lots of laughs. I am a very sociable person and love it.
I have long accepted that I will always have depression and sometimes it is overwhelming but I have learned strategies to manage it. I have also changed the way I react to it. Usually I would go very quiet and isolate myself but deliberately changed this and now I come in here and talk and I have a couple of good friends who understand and who suffer or have suffered from it themselves. This helps me feel better in itself.
Try talking therapy as this really helped me develop a better self esteem and more confidence.
Thats exactly the reason I joined this platform. Right now thanks to COVID and lockdown measures my social life is basically non-existent and that's really taken a toll on my. My family & partner are great, but they just don't understand or can relate to certain very important things and I've realised that it actually frustrates me more to talk to them about it than to keep it to myself because they can make me feel like I'm overreacting and acting crazy.
So far this feels like such a kind, supportive place. I'm grateful for all your comments, insights and tips! Thank you for that
Those closest to you often don't understand so it can be best to keep things mainly to yourself.
Think yourself lucky though that you have got a partner etc. as I live on my own and have no children. I am retired and the lockdown has stopped everything for me. I go to the shops most days just to talk to someone. I am so bored and lonely I could scream. Before lockdown I had my nights out, lunches with friends, my volunteer work and so on. To make it worse I have lung disease and chronic back pain and have to walk with a stick so even exercise is difficult and painful.
I'm not looking for sympathy or anything but just saying that lockdown is hard for all of us in different ways.
I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through all that... I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must be.
Are there friends that you can speak to at least via Skype? Maybe somebody you can buddy up with throughout lockdown to go on small walks together or meet socially distanced outside?
I agree, I'm incredibly lucky. I sometimes hate myself for falling apart when I have such a fortunate life.
You're a true fighter and your story is a big inspiration. I really hope your situation improves soon, and even though we don't know each other I am here to lend an ear whenever you need!
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Thank you Roxy for all the tips and the kind words.. I honestly feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. The people around me don't recognize/understand how bad I'm feeling or doing unless, like you said, I actually break and need to take time off work because I can't deal anymore.
I am seeing a professional once every two weeks at the moment. I feel like that may not be enough, but she doesnt have time for more frequent visits and I (as silly as it sounds) don't feel like I can fit it in my schedule either.
My job is quite demanding and extremely stressful at times, but I really enjoy it and want to make a career. I am constantly moving between taking a step back to get proper help and not wanting to risk my career and all I've worked & indepted myself with uni fees for. I just don't know what the right choice is
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You’ll know what the right choice is. Keeping too many balls in the air at one time can become stressful, if you can find the right balance you will move on fine.
You seem very strong inwardly, mindful and will do what is necessary to have quality of life that is sustaining and fulfilling in spite of depression and anxiety. If things get out of balance, more self care, needed breaks and prevent yourself from being too overwhelmed. Wishing you the best. 🌺💜
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