Tonight, I feel anxious

[speaklouder]

I’m an overthinker when I’m about to sleep. This is my second post so I want to say this here where it’s safe and where I know I’ll be reassured and supported.

I want to be open more. Be more creative and be more comfortable with my hobbies. I want to show it off. Then there’s this anxious part of me that says “what you did in the past, what you did to others...they will ruin you”.

All of my mistakes, the people who hurt me, the people who I hurt, the things I said, everything will just punch me in the face. What sucks even more is that I want to be more than I am now...and this is hurting me so much.

I always felt like an imposter in my life, too. I can never be enough for someone or something. But when I have this ambition to be more than I am, the imposter in me is saying, “that’s not you, you’re not like that, remember how others told you? You’re not able to reach that. You’re horrible. Remember how you hurt them? Remember how you did this and it was embarrassing?”

All of that shit hurts me. It hurts that little girl who I was. It hurts the teenage girl who I was. It hurts the young adult I am now. I’ve been oppressing their cries and calls because I cannot handle any of these emotions by myself. I’ve never realized it. I disassociated from the current me. Yet it still hurts the current me.

I want to do more than I am now. I envy others who are moving into their new apartment. I envy those who are in romantic relationships. I envy those who have friends. I envy those who are able to talk to someone and have a connection. I envy those who can take risks and be ambitious and not afraid.

I’m scared for no reason. I overthink for no reason. I don’t want to struggle for so long because I should be doing something about it!

I don’t know why I’m so scared of my image being ruined when there is no image. I don’t know why I care so much when I always say I don’t care. Why is that I am so empathetic to others but apathetic when I don’t want to listen or to even myself?

I wish to talk in-person with a therapist or be apart of a therapy group. I want to be understood and be validated for what I’m going through. I want to do the same for others, too. I want that connection. I want to be safe.

[Doglover87]

Your not alone! Speak out if you need help theres a lot of counsellors doing video chats! Take advantage of that

[Hidden]

I came across this post and thot this kind of sounds like me. I laid awake at night with my mind going a hundred miles per hour about the future and the things from the past that haunts me. I Thor I was the only one that was this way.my provider put me on Ambien ER to help me sleep faster but when I went to bed I didn't sleep right away. Now still I take the meds I am still awake for two hours before I go to bed but do fall asleep shortly after. I only get four hours of sleep with it. Every provider I have went to has told me it should keep you out for eight hours. Unlucky me. Wish I could find a way for these thots to go away and stay away.

[Hidden]

My heart goes out to you and I can relate to so many of the things you shared. I recently completed these two courses on Insight Timer and found them enormously helpful

insighttimer.com/meditation...

insighttimer.com/meditation...

Peace

[texasbonnet]

Wow, that was cathartic, good for you for seeing what you think you are and what you want to be.

Once I was telling the manager of the real estate office I worked in that I was resentful of a another real estate agent because he was so successful and crooked. I was resentful because he appeared to being making tons of money and was getting away with being crooked. What she said to me was not to waste my energy on being resentful but to ask myself what is he doing that I am not doing. If I identified something that was within my values, why not to that. I have used that process numerous times. I say to myself, "Never mind the personality or characteristics, what is that person doing that is successful?"

Keep us all informed on your progress.