Is it normal

[rainbowshades]

A cousin of mine made me realise something and I can't stop thinking about it. We haven't seen each other for quite some time and he was like wow you haven't changed a bit. Still don't smile and show no expression. I'm like yup that's me.

All my friends too, kind of. They all say I look cool as a cucumber, when exams is the next day. When inside of me there is a full-blown lightning storm.

I have been thinking, I noticed that everything I do I copy from someone else. Like how girls would scream when they see an insect, I screamed too. But after that I ask myself, why did I scream? I had no good reason to, so I stopped. Instead now when I see a cockroach I reach for the bug spray and kill it. A more rational thing to do.

Also I am an introvert, it gets really hard for me to start a conversation, let alone keeping it longer. Before I talk to someone, I would spend some time to think about what I want to say, and other questions appropriate for the situation. Feels like my exams really. The few times I jumped right into a question telling myself to stop overthinking, the conversation felt useless and stopped very short. I didn't like it but I didn't want to bother my friend. Also, as we're talking, I'm thinking of what else to say but I can see I've lost her attention. So I stop. Thing is I feel as though I rely on past conversations I've witnessed other people have and simply copy it as my own. Is this normal? I don't like it, it feels rehearsed and unoriginal.

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Hi I relate to a lot of that. I think that’s normal for us introverts. We have a hard time figuring out how to express ourselves and so end up imitating other people until we find our own “normal”. We have more control over how we react and that can be a good thing. It’s ok to try things out until you find the behavior that feels natural. Eventually you find your own way, and you think, “yes, this is how I want to act, and this is the person I want to be,” like you reaching for bug spray instead of screaming! That’s a great example by the way! 😄👍

I hope you find conversation gets easier with time. It’s hard, but sometimes it just takes practice.

All the best.