I just finished watching a TED TALK on the "Power of Vulnerability" and I have to admit, it made me think about a lot of things. One was that I kinda already figured out that vulnerability is key to giving love and receiving it. However, I also realized that I am so used to putting up walls that I don't even know how to become vulnerable. I mean, think about it. If you've had a lifetime of practicing talking about things that our just the surface of your character, then you never have time to grow the DEPTH of character. I recently told someone that I feel I have nothing to offer other than encouraging words and sexual intimacy. He then replied with "I don't think its that you didn't have anything to offer, but rather, it was all they was wanted from you." I thought about this, and realized that what he said was very true. However, I am so used to giving what is only wanted of me. I've never really had the chance to give more except to a select few. And it's always with friends, never in a relationships. But now, that might be changing; yet, I have no clue how to be vulnerable. It's like I become speechless because now I have no clue what to talk about. I have spent years practicing getting to know everyone else with only sharing the bare minimum of myself that I have become speechless when they want more. So, even if I do have more to offer, I don't even know what it is that I can or should be offering. My complaints? I don't want to share that because I don't want to focus on the negative, I want to move past them. My hopes and dreams? There is only so much I can dream about. I guess thats it, I don't really have too many things that I want to talk about. I feel like I've said everything I want to say, and anytime I start sharing more with others, it feels like I'm just repeating what I've told everyone else as if its a script. The script may be based on a true story but the value in the words are dulled and hollow. Everything feels old and nothing feels new about myself. This is why I feel I have nothing more to say, and I much rather so something with people instead. Experience things, and live. I want to help people in anyway I can. I want the person I am with to desire the same. I don't want a stagnant relationship that is built upon nothing beyond ourselves.
My question is this, is a person even capable of renewing themselves? Who I was is dead, who I am now is just the transition from who I was to who I desire to become. The present me is the one who is starting from scratch, and as Jim Caviezel from Angle Eyes once said, this is me starting from scratch.
So, right now I really don't have much to offer, because I only recently started over. I'm just a little more than a blank slate. I'm the rough draft that is still incomplete and is awaiting to have more added to the story.
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Rudolph26
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My best words of support would be... take it slow. No need to jump into the vulnerability thing. Be careful who you trust. Take small steps. I believe you will be rewarded with good relationships as a result of being more vulnerable but I think it’s inevitable that some people will let you down and you’ll need to keep pressing forward.
I agree, some people will absolutely love you for who you show you are.
I love the honesty of your words. Its so hard to be 'real' with others when we arent 'real' with ourselves. Just by posting this and sharing how you GENUINELY feel about sharing who you are, you ARE being genuine. I believe it is a practice though. It can be so easy to just exist on auto pilote or drown out our inner voice as we are uncomfortable with who we are. (Thats the way I can feel anyway). It takes effort for me too. I really understand.
Thank you for reminding me Im not alone in my war to be 'me'.
Thanks Cuddly-bear. I hope that by taking it one day at a time as Booklover0219 suggested, that I will be able to succeed in getting off auto pilot. I kinda wish us both luck on this. thanks for sharing
Hi, I just want to let you know that to me you seem really genuine. I read your profile comments and obviously your comments about being vulnerable and it really shows that youre doing your best. To me, sincere effort, shows you are sincerely human. You have to do it at the pace thats right for you though. You are 'you' NOW. This is because the journey youre on NOW and how you grow NOW despite your past is all part of 'you'. Without this journey you wouldnt be 'you'. I think youre doing well. I can tell. Youre really trying. Please dont be hard on yourself when you struggle to FEEL genuine. You still are. Its just we cant help how we've been affected by life and how its shaped us. We cant help the damage we have experienced in life and our own need to heal from this. Keep showing courage but be gentle with yourself when you need to too. Being human is about being compassionate and understanding to yourself too. Afterall, you're only human (see what I did there 😉) x
Thank you Cuddly-bear, it really means a lot. You actually reminded me of something a friend of mine told me today as well. Its the same friend who told me that he thought I had more to offer but just wasn't allowed the opportunity to. He kinda said what you're saying now, that life is a journey and I shouldn't try to forget what made me who I am today. It's hard to be proud of myself fully. Don't get me wrong, I know I have made progress and I am proud of that. I just know I also have a far ways to go.
As for being genuine, I can't really say I've ever not been genuine, at least, not for an extended amount of time. It's more of that I never really was able to show more than the surface. I have many layers, much like an onion lol, kinda like Shrek. Unlike Shrek though, people don't think I'm ugly. They actually think I'm quite attractive looking, but thats all they ever care to see and never really take the time to know me and how my mind works. After being treated like nothing more then a toy to fulfill men's fantasies for so many years, I kinda gave up on anyone really caring to know me. I had friends who tried to know me more, but at that point my heart was so hardened it took forever for them to break down those walls and even now I have few that actually stay in touch with me.
I've never lacked wanting to be known or understood. Heck, that's something I've desired my whole life and always give people the opportunity to know me. Just few actually take that road, and when they do, its so foreign to me that I get caught off guard and don't even know what to tell them. Then I get terrified that they may leave once they realize just how complicated my mind is and know how many doubts I have about myself and the world. I'm terrified of being rejected because that has happened before. Once, by a guy I had a crush on when he found out that I was molested when I was a kid. When he found out he asked me if it was really true. When I told him it was he gave me this pity look and never spoke to me again. I can't even describe how much that hurt; yet, I couldn't bring myself to blame him either. He didn't know what to say to that, most people wouldn't.
Many people feel conflicted about my life and don't know how to handle it. I don't really blame them, and to be honest, those things used to be my biggest secrets. Now, I'm less hesitant to tell people that because I know others have gone through that too, and if my story can help them move past it, then I want to help. However, it has now become the surface of who I am now too.
It's true that my past has definitely impacted my life, but there is more to me than just my past. Problem is, I often times wonder if I will even allow myself to look beyond that anymore then most people who know me can. I honestly feel I can relate to Zuko from Avatar the Last Airbender. He was bound by shame and regret and felt his path was decided for him. He was wrong of course, but it took someone to consistently have faith in him before he came to realize he could choose a better future. He also had to accept who he truly was. He always was a person who cared for others, but he was so blinded by his "dishonor" or what was perceived as dishonor, that he didn't realize he was actually honorable all along. He didn't realize this because so many rejected him, even his own father because he did what was right.
I also have an Iroh in my life, who never gave up on me and never left my side nor hesitated to be there in my darkest moments. That is my little sister. A person who I should be giving advice to and has been through even more than me; yet, she has always been by my side and has acted more adult than I have in all these years. I also have people like Aang in my life, who have given me the opportunity to prove myself to myself. All in all, I probably am just as lucky as I am unlucky. Yet, I am about as conflicted and ungrateful sometimes as Zuko was during his transformation. Because of me struggling to alter my life, I constantly feel at war with myself. I know one day, just like Zuko I will win this battle, but I'm not there yet. I have bad habits, or "side effects" because of my past and its kinda hard to define what is normal verse abnormal is. Again, similar to how Zuko was debating in his mind how his sister would handle making Aang train with her verses how he should actually going about training him. Because he had so many bad examples and few good ones, it was hard for him to distinguish what was a normal reaction verses a flawed one.
Like Zuko, I was full of anger growing up, now that anger has defused quite a bit and I just want to ensure I grow from the past. It's a long journey, and I just hope I make the right choices from here on out.
Anyway, this comment is probably longer than you might have expected lol. I apologize for the novel, but I am grateful for the encouragement and what you said.
I understand what you say. Believe it or not, even though Im a guy I think we seem very similar in how we think and in how life has affected us. I dont know Avatar as Ive never seen the movie but I understand the references. Youre very articulate by the way. And please dont apologise. Its ok to just write what youre thinking no matter how long it is.
Thanks and I wouldn’t advise watching the live action movie; however, the tv show is one of the best I’ve seen. So many valuable lessons in it.
Anyway, I also noticed we kind of have the same mindset on some things. So, thank you for all that you said. It really is encouraging for me. Again, I hope we both can reach the goals we have set for ourselves. In the meantime, feel free to message me on here if you ever want to talk.
It's exciting that you want to learn how to be able to be more open and vulnerable to people you care about. It takes practice letting yourself be vulnerable, and it takes the right people who are willing to receive your vulnerability: people who deserve to know more about you versus people who might be only curious.
A good friend once told me that lots of people are curious about others, but only a few will REALLY care. There is a difference in curious gossip and caring conversation. It's good if the people you care about and you yourself are on equal standing, that is, you're as able to be as open with your friend as that friend is able to be with you.
I wonder if writing about your ideas and feelings will give you a start in being braver about sharing yourself with others. Writing always helps me define what I think.
If you like to read, then reading literature (or taking a course with discussion opportunities) could be another starting place. You could "practice" by examining (writing or talking about) characters and plots in books or movies. Discuss with yourself or others how you think various characters feel and why and how their actions affect themselves and others. Look at the vulnerabilities of the characters and in doing so it may give you insights into yourself and people in your life.
I have learned a lot by listening to what other people think--and you probably have too. I am more a listener myself than a sharer of my own thoughts and feelings. I'm shy with people I do not know well. I write a lot and that is a freedom for me.
I also remember years ago reading a book about taking to care to know how much to share of yourself and with whom. I can't remember the title--but it showed how easy it is to tell the wrong people things they don't need to know or that are not to your advantage. I mean, it can be a mistake to open up too much about yourself to your employers, for example. Guard who gets to know what about you. Choose carefully what to reveal. Reading this book was helpful to me many years ago.
I encourage you! If you invest time and energy into growing into the person you want to be, you will surely develop meaningful relationships with the people who are just right for you. Hope this helps!
It helps a lot actually. Thank you. I’m curious, any chance you could find out what book that was? I love reading and would like to check it out if possible
Please find out for me too. I really appreciated what you said here Pagesofwords. I need to learn how to be more discerning in what I share with whom too. Ive made some mistakes.
That's incredibly good! I've read that. I don't recall it saying how much to share of ourselves though, only who to trust. Maybe Im wrong but I'd like to recheck. But at the very least its a great book to help us build skills of discernment. I think I will reread at least some of that book with my new experiences in mind. (I thought if you could trust someone then you can share absolutely anything with them and they would at the very least be understanding. I was wrong. I have been working on reaching out and opening up and I think I went too far with them(I was very very open about myself and how I struggle emotionally and what goes on in my mind) because my friends had a limited ability to understand and misread what I said entirely and then limited their contact with me. I was so hurt). Thank you for reminding me of that book. 🙂
You’re right. I don’t think it addresses “how much to share.”
It sounds like you r grown a lot if you have learned the importance of discernment.
I think we need to reveal ourselves little by little because some people are running from their own pain and our pain triggers their pain, so they run.
Other people are very good at mirroring and empathizing, only to exploit that vulnerability.
I started googling some ideas related to how much to disclose about yourself but haven't found the name of the book yet. Meanwhile, I came across an article whose link I will put in here. Maybe you would find various ideas of interest to you by googling phrases like "how much to talk about yourself." Here is the link to the article: cnbc.com/2019/10/07/the-mos...
Now, back to searching again myself. I seem to think a key word was "disclosure."
psychologytoday.com/us/blog... --another link to an article. I saw a website that had a list of books related to self-knowledge. That seems to be related. Good luck on finding some places with helpful readings. I will still keep looking for the actual book title that I was talking about. Right now, we're getting a bad thunderstorm so I'm going to have to leave the computer for awhile!
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thanks for sharing
I am becoming a shell of my old self.
Life is becoming hopeless 
Lonely and Vulnerable
Weird, but worth telling, I guess. 
We are worth it. 
