Loneliness

I just feel like a walking ghost these days. I miss some friends and people I knew in my past who want nothing to do with me now. I am living and ruminating too much in the past. I actually tried to contact a therapist I used to have, I bet I won't hear back from them, I'm not their concern anymore. My life is a mess, I don't know anymore what to do to try to improve it. I'm a 50 year old single woman now. I thought at this point in my life I would have something going for myself, instead I feel lost. I have no children and my significant other and I are really done, we do still talk on the phone sometimes but we know we're really just strange friends now. I have borderline personality disorder which is characterized by instability and not being able to keep friendships. I went through DBT years ago but it didn't really address how to maintain friendships. I feel like I'm too intense or I say something that comes out wrong or I'm too clingy and codependent, and sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing wrong, like, why do I repel people??? Am I just too negative? I try to be honest but I'm too honest!!!! I do feel like a lot of people just abandon me and it hurts. I know relationships are a two way street and sometimes other people have issues themselves. I don't know how to make anything work anymore. Now I'm 50, forget even trying to date anyone. I don't want to do any online dating at all. I need to just focus on trying to get a part time job now, and it's discouraging that everything is online and a lot of places want younger people. I want to train for a real career, but I don't know what would be best. I went back to college in my 30s and took a variety of courses but it was taking me forever and I never got a degree. I really don't want to do anything serious until there's a vaccine for this crazy epidemic. But my life is just going nowhere and I'm such a loner who overthinks everything. All different groups that meet up aren't happening now because of covid. I don't know how much more isolation I can stand without totally going insane. I miss people who are out of my life or they passed away. Thank you for listening.❤️

[amoeba43]

Are there any interests you have that are being adapted to online? For example, I really want to play D&D. I know a lot of groups have gone virtual. I've also looked into online book clubs!

[Hidden in reply to amoeba43]

An online book club would be a good idea, thank you. It sort of depends on the book you have to read. If it's some book I just don't find very interesting, I'm not going to want to plow through the whole book just for the sake of conversation. I tend to read more non fiction and self help books than I do fiction.

[hopingto]

so sorry for your pain, I try not to dwell on what I think is wrong with me, but what is right with me. except myself as I am, knowing that I can improve on things about me.

[Hidden]

Hi Googoodollsfan! Sorry to hear about this but I wanted to do my best to reply. I love this program called EDX.ORG. It was started by Harvard and its non profit. I am taking classes from home at my own pace.

As far as feeling alone. I hope you find a solution. I am pleased to meet you on here and hope you find what you are looking for. Let me know if I can help.

I have heard that BPD people are very intelligent.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

So what exactly is edx.org??? I don't do all the classic stuff the experts claim bpd people do, I don't self harm. But I do have issues with severe depression and feeling suicidal. It makes sense really when you feel like people are always taking off or can't stand being around you why someone would just feel like what am I living for, people just leave.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That makes sense. I like the idea of finding inner peace and then everything just works out.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Right now I really need a job!!! I need to feel useful. I might just do some volunteer work, but I've done that in the past and I'd like to be paid for something. I'd like to lose some weight too, I try to go for long walks but I'm doing way too much sitting and lying around. So there's a couple goals right there .

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

ok