•EDIT•Ptsd and dissociating• my perspective on me not knowing how think logically while mid panic.

[Ubud2021]

Edit•I know I need to be mindful. I re read this and realized Im coming from a place where I am feeling very misunderstood and un-seen and unheard. And very afraid to trust. I’m going to leave this here though. Because I do panic and get frantic myself... this is a good awareness skill for me. I seem to have a pattern. I feel strong. Then I have symptoms of PTSD and if I don’t show myself some extra TLC, then I get desperate for answers. I am so afraid of feeling the darkness when it comes, I try to stop it by ignoring til I panic. But this shows me I can come to this conclusion quicker and quicker. The good that has come/will come, will outweigh the negative in the end.

Here’s the post:

I’m in a psychosis from the result of PTSD from multiple sexual assault traumas.... I haven’t been able to stay consistent in my emotions, for, it feels like forever.

My PTSD symptoms were happening before I even knew it was PTSD. I thought my mental health was just going to shit, naturally....

I took olanzapine. Got a severe skin allergic reaction. I’m on risperdone. Hasn’t been working like I’d like it to. I told my doctor last week I wanted to change because I feel the risperdone is not working well. And today is just proof...

My therapist is pushing me to take an “ACT” group once a week. The goal is 1 hour. Today I stayed the full 2 hours... but it was hard. I also have agoraphobia. And with this PTSD episode, the agoraphobia got a little worse. I can’t stay grounded around that many people. I almost cried 2 times today during group, and the therapist who leads it, seemed so fearful those tears filling up my eyes, would soon fall down my face. I didn’t let them. But he looked frantic.... it happened 2 times. Also, she wants me to learn to trust people.... at this point- I don’t trust anyone. My fellow people in my community, I see as enemies because I can’t trust people right now. I can’t tell a piece of my story without wanting to break.

I’m delicate. Not like a flower. But delicate like a bomb. I see my Dr. again Monday. And we will be changing antipsychotics...

I just.... I just miss the boringness of being stagnant right now. Does anyone else ever feel this way?? You take for granted those moments when your content? But you’re ONLY content in that moment so.... it wasn’t good enough because it wasn’t you were happy! Only content. I wish I could go back and grab that content was that I took for granted.

[Hidden]

Well I don't quite know what to say. I went through a kind of psychosis a long time ago being very stressed out in high school and trying to run away from home. Know that group therapy is only as good as the people in the group, and if you feel uncomfortable sharing things it's your perfect right not to. Some people really don't know how to not gossip or spill secrets. I'm not saying you can't trust anyone, but I believe in someone earning that trust.

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

I’m so sorry. It’s hard. It’s a hard thing to deal with. Nobody understands. I’ve been through a way more mild form my Second PTSD episode... but this one. Wow. I’ve never felt so powerless. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have my strong amazing days streaks... then I have my hard days... my hard days seem to always fall on group days.... I just don’t know if at the moment I can even be mindful enough to get any benefit out of it. Or to stay calm enough to even know what’s going on around me. Cuz I beat myself up after. I haven’t mastered positive self talk yet. I’ll get there. But... my therapist appt is Tuesday. I’ll see what she says.

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

And you’re completely right. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me, that it’s okay to take my time on telling my story. I needed that reminder. 💕

[Hidden in reply to Ubud2021]

Sure thing. Some things might be best to just talk to the therapist about rather than with the group. It's totally your call.

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

Well. The details that bring me shame, of course. But even saying I have been sexually assaulted and have PTSD from that. Only 5 people know including my therapist and doctor in my everyday life. I can share here on the internet. It’s easy here. Im an empath. I’m not feeling peoples thoughts. Or assuming their thoughts. I feel this is a good place to start seeing people as comrades. Again- being mindful of what I share. But I have shared my story with strangers before the people in my life.... I’ll just say that.