Edit•I know I need to be mindful. I re read this and realized Im coming from a place where I am feeling very misunderstood and un-seen and unheard. And very afraid to trust. I’m going to leave this here though. Because I do panic and get frantic myself... this is a good awareness skill for me. I seem to have a pattern. I feel strong. Then I have symptoms of PTSD and if I don’t show myself some extra TLC, then I get desperate for answers. I am so afraid of feeling the darkness when it comes, I try to stop it by ignoring til I panic. But this shows me I can come to this conclusion quicker and quicker. The good that has come/will come, will outweigh the negative in the end.
Here’s the post:
I’m in a psychosis from the result of PTSD from multiple sexual assault traumas.... I haven’t been able to stay consistent in my emotions, for, it feels like forever.
My PTSD symptoms were happening before I even knew it was PTSD. I thought my mental health was just going to shit, naturally....
I took olanzapine. Got a severe skin allergic reaction. I’m on risperdone. Hasn’t been working like I’d like it to. I told my doctor last week I wanted to change because I feel the risperdone is not working well. And today is just proof...
My therapist is pushing me to take an “ACT” group once a week. The goal is 1 hour. Today I stayed the full 2 hours... but it was hard. I also have agoraphobia. And with this PTSD episode, the agoraphobia got a little worse. I can’t stay grounded around that many people. I almost cried 2 times today during group, and the therapist who leads it, seemed so fearful those tears filling up my eyes, would soon fall down my face. I didn’t let them. But he looked frantic.... it happened 2 times. Also, she wants me to learn to trust people.... at this point- I don’t trust anyone. My fellow people in my community, I see as enemies because I can’t trust people right now. I can’t tell a piece of my story without wanting to break.
I’m delicate. Not like a flower. But delicate like a bomb. I see my Dr. again Monday. And we will be changing antipsychotics...
I just.... I just miss the boringness of being stagnant right now. Does anyone else ever feel this way?? You take for granted those moments when your content? But you’re ONLY content in that moment so.... it wasn’t good enough because it wasn’t you were happy! Only content. I wish I could go back and grab that content was that I took for granted.