Rough day today

[Dfnym]

Why does life have to be so difficult? I woke up ok this morning, but then got some bad news and everything came tumbling down. I was hoping that I was going to have some stability for my children for the next little while, which they have not had for 2 whole years now, but got some bad news that just killed that. My children have suffered through a lot and they don't deserve to continue. It's unhealthy. They're going to end up with worse psychological problems than me.

Now I'm having a hard time focusing at work. I can hardly do my job. Sometimes I just wish it was over. What does God want with me? Why is life so difficult? Why can't there just be peace?

And what do I do with the rage, anger, and frustration built up inside? There's just so much. What exactly am I angry at? Why do things just not go my way? How long is my, but more especially, my childrens' suffering going to go on? Why can't they just have a normal life? I'm doing my best but there are some things out of my control and I feel completely powerless. I wish I could be a man and rescue my family, but there are things preventing me from doing so. It's out of my hands. I'm at the mercy of other people at the moment. I can't go into details, but I feel like I have a chain around my neck. Life sucks.

[Dfnym]

I have no motivation for anything right now. Stress beyond stress. I'm going to have a heart attack within a year.

[Blueruth]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It really will get better. The thing to focus on it what you can do to make a bright spot for your kids. Kids don't really see the entire big picture but they have you. A smile, hug. Maybe you just hang out with them. If you can't do that maybe a face time. You have them in your life wherever they are. That is great.

[Dfnym in reply to Blueruth]

Thanks for the response

[Hidden]

Hi. I just read your bio. Whayever you've done is in the past now. We all make mistakes. There is no pressure whatsoever to talk about anything you don't want to. I'm glad you got this out to us 2 days ago. Your sentence starting with "I'm doing my best..." is spot on. You are doing your best with where you're at and that is all that anyone can ever do.

[Dfnym in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I'm having a really hard time. I have no motivation for anything. Am I alone? I feel like no one understands me. What are the common causes for depression? It's not always chemical is it? I can't help but feel that I am alone. No one else is like me. And the things that happen to me would only happen to me. And the things that I've done are things that only a loser like me would do. I would like to not plunge so far. I wish I could be more stable emotionally but I don't know how. Maybe I have bipolar? Although I can't remember the last time I was happy, like really ecstatically happy. I'm ok at times. The best I get lately is not sad and depressed. I feel alone in the universe. Like no one cares for me. Like I'm not worthy of love. Of course my young kids love me as any young child loves their father, but more than that, I have no one else. No family and no friends. And it's sad and depressing.

[Hidden in reply to Dfnym]

No, you're not alone. Not by a long shot. And you are not a loser. You are right about one thing, though: nobody is like you. Nobody is like anyone else. We are all unique.Do you have a therapist?

There are cognitive distortions in you reply. Have you heard about cognitive distortions before? You list one of them and then negate it. You say, "no one cares for me". This is "black and white" thinking. The way I understand this cognitive distortion is it's either this way or that way and there's no middle ground. You negate your statement "no one cares for me" by saying that your young children love you. So, people do care. I think there are a list of 10 or so cognitive distortions out there.

I hope this helps somewhat.

[Dfnym in reply to Hidden]

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know there's something. I do not have a therapist yet. I'm waiting for a doc to make a recommendation.

And I mean that no one aside from my children, which is a given, love me. Children are always going to love their dads, especially when they're young. What I mean is no one out of their own free will cares for me.

I hate even posting here because I feel like I'm just throwing a pity party. Life sucks. It really sucks. I hate it sometimes. A lot. Many times I just wish I was never born. I don't want pity, that's even more depressing. I don't know what I want. I want to be loved and not told that I'm doing something wrong left and right. Is it normal for people to feel like they have to defend themselves when they're told they're wrong? I can understand sometimes being told you're wrong and to apologize, but I feel like half the time I'm being falsely accused. Is that something wrong with me? I'm being told that if I truly cared, I would do this or that. Or "a man in love would do this or that". I don't know how to explain it. I think my self-esteem and self-worth are so low that when I'm told that I've done something wrong or that my "behavior" is not right that I have to defend myself. I feel like I'm trying my best to do something and but that essentially it's not good enough. That's what hurts so much and makes me want to defend myself. How do I not let it affect me?

I also wanted to ask if it's normal for people to have such a hard time making friends. I don't know how to make friends. I have no friends. What is wrong with me that it's so hard for me to make friends?