Moment of Clarity

[gilded_masquerade]

Lately I’ve been able to realize some things about myself and today was another one of those days (sorry that’s redundant).

I was sitting in the car with my boyfriend just talking about stuff. For some (hopefully brief) back story; both my parents were in the military and I have a younger brother who has autism. I would often be at home taking care of him, which many make it sound like it was a bad thing but my parents did everything they possible could for us, I don’t resent them for it.

Over time; I had put my brothers needs before my own, now I’m at the age where I *have* to look out for me and my own needs. In a matter of 3 weeks I’ll be 25 and as I’ve said before; I’m not really doing much with my life; I’ve dropped out of college twice and had to leave once (the first time) because of financial issues. And I applied for a job, worked one shift and have never worked another shift since and not by choice, just never got called in because the owners (who are new) are “making adjustments” it’s been nearly been a month, I’ve called and gone in and they said they’ll call me in when they need me.

Anyway; so we were talking about my brother because over time I felt like he became my responsibility, I took on a sort of third parent role. My boyfriend says that as commendable as it is: I have to start worrying about me (not literally). I’ve always worried about everyone else and never really me, yet now that I’m being forced to, I get anxious or depressed because I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.

The moment of clarity is the reason I get anxious about my health which is something I never really understood until today. I worry about my health so much because I don’t want to “check out” before I get to REALLY live MY life but I get depressed because I don’t know what I want my life to LOOK like.

I guess it’s one of those things that seems obvious but it took me a while to finally piece all of that together.

I know the simple solution is to just do something rather than nothing, I am however apprehensive about it because I’m worried I’ll just keep hitting walls. I liked helping people but because of the health anxiety, some instances trigger me so now I don’t know what other field to look at.

Anyway, sorry this turned out longer than I wanted but I figured I’d share because this was a huge clarifying moment for me.

[Marshall64]

That is good that you were able to figure out the source of your anxiety. It seems like not knowing the source of anxiety can cause anxiety in itself.

That is commendable that you take care of your bother. I can relate to what you say in this post. My daughter's brother has Asperger's (I'm not the father). He is very sweet and doesn't have a mean bone in his body. Having said that, it takes a lot of patience and time caring for him ( he lives with grandparents).

I am a full time single father of a 14 year old and have been raising her by myself. Doing so has precluded a social life but I'm older so it isn't as a bigger deal for me.

I really don't have advice because you are in a tough situation. It would be good if you could talk to your parents about this but. I wouldn't know how to start the conversation.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Marshall64]

I talk to my parents both very openly and are actually discovering things about themselves because of me (or so they say) my dads the kind of person that will say “you won’t know until you try to do something” and my mum is the sort that says things like “I’m in my 50’s and still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up” granted they’re both basically retired. They’re understanding and have helped me a lot over the years with my issues (if we wanna call them that) but they also want to ensure that I’m independent in most aspects because as they keep reminding me; they won’t be around forever. Grim but they have a point I suppose

[Marshall64 in reply to gilded_masquerade]

Ha! I say those same things to my daughter. My daughter wants to do modeling (hasn't done any yet) but I heard that it is cutthroat and soul crushing. I would like her to have a Plan B but she doesn't have one.

My parents told me that I was going to college. I didn't know what I wanted to do so I was undeclared and then changed my major three times. After graduation a friend from college got me a job and have been in this field ever since then (engineering). I like it, I got to travel and the pay is decent. I just fell into it. I have thought about a career change but couldn't figure out what else to do. I always liked the military but couldn't decide which branch. Now I see the great benefits of they offer and the pension. When you're young (at least for me) you don't think much about those things.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Marshall64]

My parents bring up pension (or at least my dad does) ALL the time. Most 2 out of the three things I went to college for where because my dad suggested them because they’d have a pension. I thought I’d like the programs because they still were working with people but they weren’t what I thought they’d be or they took a toll on my mental state (most of them did honestly, they can get pretty dark and hit closer to home than you’d like).

[Hidden]

Don't apologize for writing something long. We're here for that. It is completely normal to feel the way you do, especially at your age. It is a time of finding yourself and figuring out what you like to do Iwent to school, dropped out, because ofmy depression, got any job. at around your age, went back to school. When I was older, I became jaded by the job I had, lost my job anyhow. I decided to leave the corporate world and worked at a wilderness program for at risk youth. Mind you, I was not athletic at all, and never walked a trail, but I was going to hike vertical to the top of a mountain. I did it. I also never had a chance to work around horses. Did that too. I took care of them and I was not a horseback rider. Mucking stalls was the best thing I ever did. So, what I learned in life is that you just have to get out there and try things. Things you think you wouldn't like, you find you do like and vice versa. You are at the perfect age to try different things.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Hidden]

I agree, thank you. I just have a tough time when it comes to work because I feel like unless you have a piece of paper from college/university, there’s not many work options out there which I am learning is untrue but I still feel strongly about the education system and that piece of paper. I liked the atmosphere but not the exams and field placements (as they gave me anxiety about “what if I fail?” etc.) I’ve always been a creative type but I don’t believe strongly in my creative ability or I’m too scared to do anything with any creations (I’ve always wanted to be a writer but I overthink everything and eventually talk myself out of doing it) apart from that I always wanted to help people but I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good fit for me anymore. It’s probably just me but I find options are almost limited without college/university...but I’m trying to remind myself that that isn’t true

[Hidden in reply to gilded_masquerade]

As far as university, are you in the states or another country, such as Europe, where there is a placement exam after college to determine if you can work in a field? This will help me better understand the situation.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Hidden]

I live in Canada, from what I understood we had the field placements during our semesters and then alternate the next semester. Ex. I’d work in a school one semester then a group home the next semester. Granted, I never made it to placement because of a bunch of reasons...

[Hidden in reply to gilded_masquerade]

Ok, I am in the states. Here, they have made it where you literally have to go to university for EVERYTHING. Things that do not even require a degree a. On top of it , university is very expensive. I know you're scared, but you'll never know how good you are until you get out there. You'll make mistakes like we all do, but that's OK. That's part of life. It's scary so it takes bravery. Did you ever think of going into marketing? It uses all of your creative sides. You can design on a computer and they need people who can write. If you know the fundamentals of writing, no mistakes, grammar, mechanics, you are ahead of most of us. A LOT of people can't write a basic company email without grammar mistakes. You are so young, at this point, you can put stuff (art, writing or whatever) out there and see what happens. If you get constructive criticism, it will make you better. I keep bringing up your age, because looking back I was so hard on myself Now I see I was young and had the freedom of trying new things make mistakes, learn from them. I didn't see it then. I see it now. Also, don't forget to have fun, be silly, not to be serious -, heck, roll down a hill if it makes you happy. At this point, if I try that, my back will go out. I am not saying it's easy, what I am saying is you have more leniency when you're young. Also, anxiety makes things worse, so start off with something small, even if it's a day of letting go and having fun. Everything I have told you, I tell my nieces all the time, because they are scared, which is normal. So I support them. I support you.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Hidden]

You raise a lot of good points, I try not to get so nervous or anxious about things but when it hits it can be difficult to ignore in the moment. I’ve been pretty tough on myself most of my life so I’m trying to learn how not to take everything so seriously but it can also be difficult 😅 but I sincerely thank you for all of the advice!

[Hidden in reply to gilded_masquerade]

I truly get it. I was that way. Sometimes I am still the same way. Things got better with therapy. I give advice, but realize things won't change overnight. It starts small.