Stagnant

[gilded_masquerade]

I would like to start off by saying that I don’t have any kind of access to therapy even without Covid due to where I live. As much as I do appreciate the idea I simply don’t have access nor the money.

Last time I saw a counsellor (one whom I really liked) he said I have the coping mechanisms of a 6 or 13 year old (sorry for such an age gap, but it was specifically one of those two just can’t remember which) because of what I’ve experienced in my life.

Now it’s starting to hinder my life. I’m 25, living with my parents & my boyfriend, unemployed (granted, where I live we’re back on lockdown and I live in a small town so work is scarce to begin with) and I have no college/university diplomas or what have you because I’ve tried 3 times and it’s just not for me.

Anyway, the thought of moving out of my parents and into my own place or a place with my boyfriend honestly scares me which doesn’t make a lick of sense seeing as we’d still be living in town. When I first went to college I moved 3 HOURS AWAY and lived in an apartment with my ex and a friend at the time yet for some reason I’m nervous about moving out with my current and positive/toxic free boyfriend?

Also I know how this is going to come off but I’m also scared of working. I’m the kind of person that works herself up. I’m afraid of the fear, nothing else.

So anyway, in a lot of ways I still feel and mostly likely am still a child and I want to move past it or what have you but I’m clueless and stuck as to how to do it.

“Getting over it” and “moving on” is literally the most unhelpful thing ever as it’s something I hear often. If that was really all it took I would’ve done so by now.

Just felt like screaming into the void for a few minutes.

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas or whatever holiday you may be celebrating and I hope that everyone is doing well despite what’s going on in the world. 🖤

[socratesanne]

First of all cherish this non toxic boyfriend. Fortify this kind of friendship to strengthen yourself and listen to your seemingly great inner voice. All the answers are there once you let them in and listen to your tensions within your body. These are troubling times but they will pass and then your can decide where you wish to venture out.

They say time heals all wounds but first you need to know your own nervous system well. Then use it to fuel your successes as you move ahead. Ignor the conditions of other's worth placed on you along the way. Find you own value system. You determine what are your strengths, only you. Harness your own values. Let them help guide your future as it is all ahead of you. Hope it is great!

[gilded_masquerade in reply to socratesanne]

Thank you ☺️ I’m doing my best to break out of those old habits from my last toxic relationship and turning my attention on how to strength this one. It’s been a challenge but I’m making headway. I’ve been doing better in comparison to last year with my nerves which I’m proud about but it still feels like one incident will wash away all my progress.I also feel like I’m the most fragile person every, literally. Like if someone flicks me in the forehead I’ll die or something. Don’t know why that is but 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m over sharing and going off topic, sorry 😅

Thank you again for the kind words and advice ☺️

[Hidden]

Hi g_m, Merry Christmas 🎄 to you. I’m curious at what age did you last see your counselor and I’m trying to see on what ground your counselor thought you had a coping mechanism of a 6 or 13? Would you be able to provide a couple of examples you experienced in your life up to that point which made your counselor said so?

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Hidden]

I last saw him November of last year so I was 24. I have a autistic brother and my parents were both in the military, they had informed me of his disability and how he’d need a different kind of attention at a young age. My counsellor said that because of this I had put my “adult pants on” that’s where the age of six came in. When I was 8 I was sexually assaulted at my babysitters by another kid who had threatened to hurt my brother if I didn’t do what he said. Being young and fearing no one would believe me, I kept quiet for months until he finally left. I didn’t really start talking about it until I was 13. That’s why he thought I was stuck in childhood coping mechanisms, my boyfriend somewhat agrees because I tend to now run to my parents whenever something goes awry. It’s embarrassing to say but it does happen. Also sorry if that’s too much detail or whatnot, I have a problem with over sharing 😅

[Hidden in reply to gilded_masquerade]

First of all, thank you for sharing your story even though it is such a painful experience you had. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. Family is always a safe place to fall back whenever we go through tough time and I want you to know it is normal anyone would do that. From what I see is you are still here and trying to make changes and that is great. I find many trauma always come from childhood and some scars are harder to heal than others. Don’t be too harsh on yourself and try to not looking back on past hurts. I know it’s easy to say but that’s a first step to start your life journey. Best wishes 🙏xx

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Hidden]

Thank you ☺️ I grew up trying to help everyone around me or doing things on my own so maybe that plays a part in it all as well because now that I have to do things for myself I’m at a loss 😅 I’m just concerned that I’ll never get over this hurdle you know? But thank you for all the kind words 😊🖤

[Hidden in reply to gilded_masquerade]

You’re very welcomed ❤️ When I was in school, I remember my teacher, this is what she said before we took the exam: “think you already got this test, whatever you guys have studied, you already knew it”. Do things with confidence And you will get the best result out of it ✊

[GottheBlues0217]

That phrase has always made my teeth grind together too. I think everyone has to figure out his or her own path. Which isn't easy.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to GottheBlues0217]

I agree, it’s like rubbing salt in a wound. I’m trying to figure out my path which I know is alright to not have it all figured out right this second (although it does bug me lol) but it’s the first time I’ve really had to worry about myself. I was always the person who took care of everyone around me but not myself 😅

[socratesanne]

People who have been abused have neuroception that is strong and can help others but need to put you in that category. Working the freeze state through will reaps its own rewards and your parents provided a focal point as did the traumas. When the wondrous things from those ages come back, you will know you are on the right track. The ugly often outweigh the goods which makes it damaging. You seem to have a great mind to discover the wondrous things that you were too frozen to notice to reap the wonders of childhood, but they are there. The ready you young ages will catch up with your present to allow you the freedom to be who you were meant to be. I watched mother and infant dyads for a whole years in research and babies are born with their own inner light. Yours is there and to be honored.

[GottheBlues0217]

I am 66 and still afraid of work. But my husband has helped make it easier to contemplate. I wanted creative outlets as a child that I either didn't have access to, (lived in an extremely rural area with not-so-great schools)or my sick in the head jealous father would have forbidden me to do. I left home in my early 20's, should have done so earlier but my family made me feel I was betraying them because I didn't want the life they had lived.

I worked as a waitress, Seven-11 convenience stores--a terrible job--went to community college where with my work and Pell grants I did very well. I hated those jobs and working the night shift at a 7-11 could be dangerous. I finally left after witnessing a gang of teenagers in a chain fight. Beating each other with chains. I quit on the spot.

I went to a four-year college after that & started out in music, but finished up in English lit, which I am grateful for to this day. And all this time, each time someone approached my creative work and said I should do this or that, I would exit, stage any direction.

I have worked on this for many years. It was my husband who finally put it all together for me. I didn't want to work for someone else. I wanted to create something, to be a force for good in the world. For many years I didn't believe in myself enough to let go of the comfortable and leap into what I thought was the abyss.

I now divide my day up between working on the internet doing what will make money to sustain my family. The rest of the 'working' time is for playing at what makes me happy. I am honing my skills in many arenas, studying online.

All of this is to say, I understand fear. I was afraid to leave home because my father told me I was stupid, my mother told me I too smart, I was told I was ugly, clumsy, and that nobody would love me as my family did. That scared me silly. But I made the leap. I was terrified, but I lept. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, still do. But I am better. I wish you joy and peace. I wish for you that you enjoy every day we have given to us. And I know it is hard. This stuff gets hardwired in the brain.