I’ve come to the realization that I’m afraid of being close to someone (relationship wise), friendship I don’t have a problem with but it seems as if the moment it becomes something more I want to run... I don’t want to be like this I definitely would want to fall in love one day and experience that side of life but I just can’t seem to find someone that makes me want to change. It’s always the same cycle of talking to someone, getting a little closer, then me running away because it got too much for me. I’m 20 and I’ve never been in a real relationship I used to be ashamed but now I’ve just accepted it, but now I’m ready to work on changing it but I just don’t know how to be different and give love a try... any tips?? I really need them.
Also where do you think this stems from? Trauma or Trauma that’s from something much deeper? Sometimes I think I’ve been (TRIGGER WARNING) sexually abused and maybe I’ve consciously forgotten because of how afraid I am of men and the thought of allowing them to get to know me on such a intimate level...
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Butterfly20_
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I can only speak for myself, but I'm a few years ahead of you and in a similar boat. I think a lot of my fears come from the fact that I don't have a great deal of self-confidence and I'm both worried that people won't like me and that if they rejected me, that would just reinforce the things I don't like about myself. I've gotten more comfortable with the idea of being intimate with someone as my self-image has boosted, which is certainly easier said than done. I don't know if that resonates with you at all, but that's what my experience has been.
Yea I could understand that, because when I’m alone I definitely have a weird comfort feeling because I’m free to be myself without being judged, but the moment I start “talking” to someone I’m insecure about literally everything and if I’m being honest the times I am on that level with someone I sort of miss when I’m alone so it’s just this weird tug and pull cycle I have with intimacy...
You mentioned you use to be ashamed but don't say about what? Were you abandoned at any time in your life? I have serious issues with relationships but that stems from an ex husband sexually abusing my granddaughter. I also had far too many step dads and moved far too many times in my first 18 years so I have issues stemming from those reasons. You are going to figure out what you are afraid of and what you need to do in order to take down your walls.
I’ve been through quite a lot growing up that makes me feel older than what I currently am,
the gist of it is, I’ve been in a broken home that is full of arguments/Drama since I could remember, I lost my home and was homeless living in a motel while still having to go to high school and pretend I was okay.
So I think that situation specifically sadly taught me how to not let ppl in as much and keep them at arms reach because of how much I was hiding,
I kind of got really good at having a poker face and living a double life and I know it affected me in my adult life...
It's time to open those wings and fly like your name says. It's going to continue to hurt you to keep people out. We are going to have people who hurt us, use us, and not be there for us throughout our lives, but we are also keeping those who truly do care, from getting in! Don't waste your time looking back on what you've lost. Move on, for life is not meant to be traveled backwards. Hugs
I think I should read the comments more before asking questions, since at least some of the answers I'm wondering about are showing up here
have you talked to a therapist? i have a fear of intimacy myself from trauma among other things and ive been trying to address it by talking to a therapist. it might help you
I am in my late twenties but otherwise could have written your post, more or less.
What I will say before anything else is that it’s ok to feel like this - I think society as a whole is very relationship focussed and it can make you feel ‘weird’ if you’re single or don’t want to be physically intimate but there are lots of other people who feel like this. There could be a reason or there could be none.
Do you find the kind of ‘emotional’ intimacy side of a relationship difficult or is it purely about not wanting to be physically intimate with someone?
A lot of soul searching over the years has led me to realise that emotional closeness makes me uncomfortable, too (although I’m fine with closeness in friendships but with a romantic partner or with family, I don’t like it)
The other thing to think about is whether this is a fear and something you’re afraid of or whether it’s more of a discomfort. For me, I think I am a little fearful but more disgusted by intimacy than afraid.
I don’t have an answer, as such, but I’ve thought about this a lot over the years and spoken to different people and read lots of things. I’d like to change but finally accept who I am.
I am very happy to chat some more on this thread or for you to send me an inbox message on this site if you want to talk some more.
I am 49 and feel the same way. I am attracted to guys, but am kind of repulsed about the idea of sex. I dated and kissed guys in my younger years, but never really enjoyed kissing. I love hugging people and that kind of intimacy but the rest...don't know why but I just don't seem to enjoy it. I feel like the most abnormal person in the world and feel pretty alone because almost all of my friends are married with kids. I don't have social anxiety, but even when was a teen and in my 20s every time a relationship with a guy started getting closer, I'd run. I also was always attracted to the guys that weren't interested in me. Maybe that was a way of protecting myself. I don't know. I hope this isn't the way it will always be, but I can't really see how I can fight these internal feelings or if they can really be changed.
I happen to be almost 50 years old. I didn't get into a real relationship with a guy until I was 21. I didn't date in high school, never went to the prom. And I don't care anymore that I was that old. I waited until I found someone who really cared about me and wasn't going to have sex with me and then take off. We really loved each other . We were together for 3 years. No we didn't get married, but we talked about it and at a time we wanted to. In the end I don't think we were really ready to get married, and ending it was hard, but I still have some great memories of him. Don't put yourself on some timeline, everyone is different, and we meet different people at different times. Hold out for someone who truly loves and respects you. You deserve the best!!!!☺
Hi there Butterfly.......I'm not qualified to make a proper assessment here, but one thing that I do know is that unresolved trauma can affect your life profoundly. You might not be thinking about past traumatic events and making a link, but your subconscious might be acting in a way that is more like a protective shell? ( I hope that makes sense)
I read this and I thought yes I can relate to the things you are saying ( not wanting intamacy etc etc) but my issue is because of the menopause!I can work at it but currently can't be bothered to. Too many other priorities.
I felt saddened by the fact that you are so young and you have many years ahead of you to find a meaningful and intimate relationship without fear. It would be such a pity to miss out on a lifetime of happiness when, you may be able to get help for the unresolved trauma and find that you feel differently.
I'm doing some therapy with my cpn to try and untangle the unresolved trauma which is always affecting me - this is a medical procedure not abuse. So it's a one-off traumatic incident which has reared it's head after over 25 years. This is what happens if you ignore the trauma and it goes unresolved. Sometime in your life, it will be back, maybe on a subconscious level, but it has the potential to affect your happiness long term. I hope this helps xxx
You just wrote the thoughts that go through my head a ton. (I have the added bonus of alcohol abuse issues, so that plus COVID makes things really hard) As a man, I also fear men. But I also fear intimacy beyond friendship; once a woman becomes interested in me I feel a terror in my abdomen that says flee flee flee. Do you do thinks like noticing where certain feelings are in your body?
I was in a real relationship many years ago, for 4 years, but I ended it because I needed to discover who I was and why I was so depressed and anxious.
Without suggesting a ton of stuff (I hate receiving unsolicited advice myself), I wonder about any diagnoses you may have, therapy relationships, etc.
I can absolutely relate to being afraid of intimacy. I'm 29 and never been in a relationship or even been on a date. I don't really have past trauma but I do have low self esteem, a negative body image, and social anxiety which I think are the main contributing factors, along with my depression and OCD. I also have recently come to the realization that I think I'm asexual because I've never really wanted a sexual relationship, but I would like to have a partner in life and be close to someone. It just makes it hard though because it seems that most close relationships always lead to sex, which I just don't want to do, so I feel like no man would ever want to be in a relationship with me, which then makes me afraid to put myself out there for fear of being rejected.
Ok, my post doesn't really have any advice, more just me spewing my thoughts. Thanks to everyone who contributed to this post, I feel like this isn't talked about often enough and I usually keep these thoughts to myself since most people don't seem to have a problem with intimacy.
We are the same age and I relate to so much of what you are saying. I have pondered many times whether I could be asexual but I am also anxious about the idea of being close to anyone (even in a non-physical sense)
It’s difficult and it can be hard to talk about. I can, and have, talked about it with my closest friends but I’ve never found anyone who can relate to what I am experiencing.
I don’t really know where I am going with this reply, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in feeling like this and I am here if you ever want to chat about it.
It is nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I went to a group therapy for social anxiety and I was going to talk about how hard it was for me to be intimate but then I chickened out because everyone in the group, while still having social anxiety, had all been or were currently in relationships. So then I started questioning what was wrong with me, I know I want to get close to others, but at the same time I don't want to get too close in case it leads to things that I'm not comfortable with. For the longest time I told myself that I'm just a loner and that I like being alone, but that was really just me making excuses for being afraid to put myself out there and try and find someone who respected what I do and don't want to do in a relationship.
It is so hard when everyone else seems to be able to do something so easily and I also find other people kind of come to there own conclusions about me when really they have no idea. I think there are probably lots of people like us who are equally nervous to talk about it.
I can relate to you so much although I'm much older. I would love to have someone to share my life with, but since I have no experience with sex other than it makes me uncomfortable. , I feel like it's not even worth pursuing a relationship since no guy would want someone like me.
I feel the same way, what guy would want to put up with me. Not only do I have a hard time with intimacy but I come with a whole list of other problems. I feel like I burden my parents enough, I don't feel like it's fair to burden someone else, especially if I can't do what normal couples do. And then there's the fact that I have zero experience, making it really intimidating to even attempt to put myself out there. I just feel like I have nothing to offer another person.
I think it's normal to be scared of intimacy. It's a big step the first time and when you are ready you will know; it's a natural step. Whatever you do, DON'T label it with something you don't know is fact. If you have no evidence of sexual abuse, it's a dangerous path to go down without any facts!
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Afraid of doing things for myself 
I’m in a dark hole that I keep making deeper
Trust
I’m scared 
Story time...
