Am I wrong?

[BrownEyesBlue]

Am I wrong in giving my boyfriend (trust me it’s very complicated) a set of guidelines before I can allow him back in my life, and more importantly, in my home? They aren’t unreasonable. One thing I want is him to be a month sober before he comes back. I don’t want to push him away but I also don’t want to be made a fool either. I feel so conflicted 😐

[Hidden]

I think the least you can expect of your boyfriend is for him to be sober. You will not have a healthy relationship without that.

[BrownEyesBlue in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I just feel afraid to be so bold with him, if that makes sense. I don’t want to lose him but I cannot put up with certain things either.

[Hidden in reply to BrownEyesBlue]

I can understand your fear of loosing him, however you really must put yourself first here. You cannot have any kind of happiness with somebody who is not sober. It would not be fair on you.

[BrownEyesBlue in reply to Hidden]

I’m realizing that more and more.

[BrownEyesBlue in reply to BrownEyesBlue]

Would I be able to possibly private message you what I sent him to get your opinion?

[Hidden in reply to BrownEyesBlue]

Sure you can.

[Hidden in reply to BrownEyesBlue]

I am glad you realise that. You deserve love and happiness.

[NWGal]

I'm thrilled you are setting boundaries! This means you're looking out for your best interests! Good karma my friend!

[BrownEyesBlue in reply to NWGal]

Thank you so much!

[Dolphin14]

I agree completely with what you are doing.

Sounds like you are a very intelligent person who knows what she wants.

Understand that you may lose him. If that happens it's not about you it's about him and his choices.

Is he in AA? Doing anything to help himself?

Your deserve happiness in your life. Boundaries help in most relationships. Some have to be spelled out and others are just understood.

[BrownEyesBlue in reply to Dolphin14]

He is in AA. he has a sponsor but he’s slipped

[Dolphin14 in reply to BrownEyesBlue]

It's not easy. But, it can be done.

I wish you all the best

[BrownEyesBlue]

Thank you. I plan too. Take care of yourself little one ♥️

[SuZQ154]

Your fear of losing him and your setting of boundaries are both understandable. Losing him may not be a bad thing. It seems like you already know that in your heart. Do you feel his actions are abusive? If so, you might want to check out this book. bit.ly/2yipPCS It gives strategies to change our behaviors so we can have healthy relationships! Hope it helps and please keep posting.

[Herz]

That is a bad situation. I have been down that road. I believe what helped me the most was to go to Al-anon meetings... It will help you deal with yourself! The people you would meet in that group have all been down your road and understand. That was 30 years ago for myself. I have never or will never have that kind of a relationship again. It causes terrible mood swings and depression. You take care of yourself...

[BrownEyesBlue in reply to Herz]

Thanks. It makes me question my own sanity in times. It’s tiring having my own illnesses and all the focus being on him it seems. No matter if I say I’m having a bad day or want to talk about me he turns the conversation back to him. I’m at a point where I don’t know if I want to stay anymore. I love him and I can’t imagine life without him but I need to take care of me too. It’s sad and hard and it hurts.

It’s made me question if maybe I’m too needy or clingy. Because every time I bring up an issue he gets agitated; needs to go for a walk; or just brushes it to one side and says I always “keep on” and need to be “more positive”.

Obviously I type a lot lol I don’t know how to bring it up to him. It’s just a sad situation all around.

[Hidden]

Absolutely not! You have the right to be safe in any relationship. If bf disagrees, too bad.

If bf is or becomes abusive, please consider leaving him. Substance use is no excuse.

Yes, it's complicated.

[Herz]

I went thru a living hell, And I learned the hard way. Finally I had to literally disappear. I left everything except my cat, clothes on my back. That day was on his birthday, Sept 11, 1983. He had gone out to meet his friends and I made a dash out of there. It was also a highly abusive relationship. It was awful. Oh I left him at least 4 times before the last. Took me 2 years. I feel for you, I really do. And if you ever no get out of this relationship, it will take a while to get over it. I still think about it to this day. I was lucky to never get into another relationship like that. They say some people seem to have a habit of getting right into the same kinds of relationship over and over.

I wish you lots of luck. Follow your gut, not your heart. I know it will be the hardest thing you will ever do but in the end, your life will be much better.