i'm very confused with a situation at home. my therapist said to not think about/waste my time on it- but it's nearly impossible. Advice?

[WiltedFlower]

I'm 16, almost 17, and last year (15 yrs old) I was sexually abused by my bio-father.

I am adopted by my faternal grandparents and my bio-dad is allowed to stay here to see us since it was difficult for him to give up his rights. flash forward 8-9 years later: a lot was going on at home already (I was being emotionally abused by my grandparents) and this made things worse. I called the authorities the same day and no one believed me. The police and my grandparents said it was a lie and an excuse to have to leave the home. it wasn't. after this I tried to kill myself numerous times and it didn't work obviously, but I was sent to a few different residentials and acute centers; I was gone 9 months. Now I'm home again, and my relationship with my grandparents improved tremendously and we have put the past behind us, but we don't ever talk about what happened between us b/c they have a hard time believing he'd do it. Which is understandable, but they almost don't care and still leave us alone together and allow us to be in my room. And I am just so fucking scared, and I keep putting myself back in that situation and I have other problems going on in my life- and I thought I was gonna fucking leave my past behind me. But he's the only exception. Honestly I'm trying so hard to be civil with him. but I can't, when I look at him, all I can see is him doing the jiggy when he talked about screwing me, and what he wanted to do with me- and how he talks about me being his daughter. HIS DAUGHTER????!!!!!! like what, you lost that right when you tried to have sex with me. I just... I'm done. Simply through with it. I can't even walk around my house without a bra b/c I get the heebie-jeebies about when he sexualized them too. I don't feel safe in my home anymore. and it's hard enough trying not to self-harm. I could be w/out him. it's just always on my mind and my therapist told me to just try to forget it and push it outside of my mind. i love what she's doing to help me, she's great to me, but it just isn't working. idk... anyone have advice?

[Agora1]

Star252. I can believe that it isn't working out for you to be in that situation. I don't

see how you could forget it or push it outside your mind when that person is there

in the safety of your home. Or at least what should be a safe place for you.

This is an unhealthy situation for a young girl to be in. This is one time that I am going

to go against a professional therapist. She is putting you in harm's way even though

you think she is helping you.

Is there any adult or doctor you can express your fears and concerns to?

Things need to change. I'm glad you are here with us to at least talk about your

anxiety over this. xx

[WiltedFlower in reply to Agora1]

awe, you're so sweet. thank you so much for responding. yes, my practitioner and psychiatrist know but they don't know what to do.

[Agora1 in reply to WiltedFlower]

Star, I just want to keep you safe. I care xx

[WiltedFlower in reply to Agora1]

yeah, sorry. I'm just not used to it.

[anxiousoutcast]

Considering you have a lot going on I am sure you need somewhere besides when you are speaking with your therapist to place all your thoughts about your bio-dad being around the house. I'm very sorry about your dad's abuse and I am very proud of you for not giving up on your effort to hold his responsible. That is not an easy thing to do especially when your grandparents abuse you too even if it's not as bad as your bio-dad did it's still abuse which should never be tolerated. A suggestion--maybe try journaling your thoughts down in a notebook and hide it somewhere you know your grandparents and bio-dad won't find it and if you can buy one with a lock for privacy reasons. It even would relieve the stress of trying to recall details during your therapy sessions. To further help you could you answer these questions for me please

1. how has your relationship with ur bio-dad improved even a little during the time you have been at home since hospitalization?

2. has he tried getting therapy to prevent him from doing what he did again? is he remorseful at all for what he did?

3.have you straight up told your bio-dad that you are afraid he will do something sexually to you again and asked him how he will make sure the sexual assaults won't happen again?

4. what is the covid-19 situation where you are? (just give me a bit of an idea plz for your safety)

[WiltedFlower in reply to anxiousoutcast]

1. well, he is starting to talk to me more about his games and I can at least hold a conversation sometimes. But when he mentions his personal life and tried to be closer to me (in like, an emotional way), it honestly scares the hell out of me b/c he would do that a lot last year, then he'd start talking about his sex life... so i'm always weary that that is a possibility..

2. No, he never talks about it. he never did last year either. he just follows along the phrase "deny, deny, deny" last year he told my grandparents it was a lie and I was just upset that he'd let my grandparents know I was sneaking out at night to be away from home. which in reality was absolute bs b/c the funny thing is that he would cover for me if I needed it.

3. No. i'm afraid he will go to my grandparents or just straight up call me crazy.

4. well, im in one of the states with a higher amount of cases/deaths so my grandparents are absolutely scared shitless b/c they don't wanna die so i'm not even aloud to go ride my skateboard out front in my coultesack and I can't leave my front porch.

hope this helps

[anxiousoutcast in reply to WiltedFlower]

1. I know it is scary that your dad is being emotionally vulnerable like he was before he abused you, but I bet you would be bit more comfortable around him if you let him be emotional and himself around you. it will be hard at first seeing him as more of a father than someone who sexually abused you but I promise it will get easier the more he opens up and when you are ready you should open up to. however, if he brings up his sex life calmly tell him your tired or something else so that he leaves. if you feel comfortable maybe tell him that as his daughter you have no reason to need to know about his sex life. and tell him to talk to his friends about it if he wont talk to a therapist.

2. when you do something really bad and know you fucked up many people deny what they did. i am no therapist but i suggest you ask your therapist how you can help your dad stop denying what he did to you and help him get to the point where he can admit what he did was wrong.

3. maybe talk to other family members instead of your dad about what he did to you. if they don't know already since you are afraid of your grandparents finding out how you feel if you talk to ur dad about what he did to you. even if your grandparents are mad, it would be nice to have a family member who in an emergency could help you out. where is your bio-mom btw?

4. would you be okay with them watching you skateboard the first few days with a mask and then after that ask? you need to prove to them you are responsible and will wear a mask. they have every right to be afraid since the virus is very scary. especially the elderly who have been very hard hit.

[WiltedFlower in reply to anxiousoutcast]

1 & 2, thank you very much. I've saved what you have said and when i speak w/ my therapist again I will.

3. so, my sibling knows. but whenever I mention it, they avoid it. I don't have support other than my doctors, and the people in the comments have been very supportive. But my bio-mom is in a rehab facility from what i've heard. My grandparents won't allow me to see her. I haven't seen her since I was 8-9 its been too long, I can't quite remember.

4. I understand the fear they are facing, it's totally reasonable, I'm just glad I have a backyard. besides, I wouldn't go against their wishes. My other family members do, and they are in risk of being kicked out. I was in that position last year, and let me tell you that position is horrifying b/c they don't treat you like family, but like someone who attempted to kill them. They basically beat you emotionally until you leave or are on the brink of death. I won't ever, EVER defy them.

[goldieoldie in reply to WiltedFlower]

Wiltedflower,you seem to be in a very difficult environment,,,,,IM not going to say what the right solution is,though I do know that living alongside a father that is a potential threat both mentally /physically,and you have no other place of refuge---its time to figure what path you can follow and your therapist should be able to help ....I have been sexually abused by a few males in my lifetime and IIm a helluva lot older and in the UK---its not a good position for you -------please let me know how things are and at least you can talk over your feelings---as it seems like your father has every intention of attemting to abuse you again....I just read your post today!

[blackcat64013]

Hi, thank you for posting here.

I think you would benefit from talking with specialists used to speaking with young people. Iam not sure where you are located. Most countries have government organisations which deal exclusively with young people, usually under 25 years age. Non-government organisations also can help.

To get some idea of the type of help available, I can refer you to my local Australian website headspace.org.au

Your doctor should have information if you ask for it.

All the best 🐨