Struggling with depression

[Kat_21]

Hi, I was reccomended this site by a social worker. I'm hoping maybe to find support on here. I'm a 21 year old female, and I've struggled with anxiety pretty much my entire life. About a year ago I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Soon after, I started getting sick, and on December 3rd, 2019 I went into the hospital after coughing up blood for two days. I was then told I was in renal failure and had sepsis throughout my body and was put on life support. I had to undergo countless blood transfusions and plasmapheresis, as well as dialysis while I was in the hospital. I was away from my son for about a month, and it seems like during that time apart we just lost the close connection we had. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called aHUS which causes my white blood cells to attack my red blood cells. I have to have infusions every two weeks and even then, any kind of traumatic event or sickness could put me back in the hospital.

Since I got out, I've been struggling alot with coming to terms with all of this. My mom, who I had to live with after I got out, refused to believe I have aHUS, and it caused us to fight quite often. Now she and my two sisters refuse to talk to me, and I don't really have any friends to reach out to. My mind is in a dark place and I just need to vent. But I feel like just trying to talk to someone puts a burden on them. I keep having episodes where I zone out and it feels like I'm in the backseat while someone else talks and walks for me. I'm scared of it honestly. I've had thoughts of self harm. I know better than to act on them, but when those little voices in the back of your head keep persisting, it becomes hard to bare.

Sorry, I needed somewhere to vent. It's all becoming too much.

[Agora1]

Hi Kat_21, I'm sorry you have had to go through this without the support of your mom and

sisters. Did the doctors not talk with your mom and you and explain aHUS?

Why would she not believe you have it after how sick you were.

It is a rare disease which affects females more in adulthood because pregnancy seems

to be a triggering event. If you are in the U.S. there is the aHUS organization in St Louis,

Missouri that I would suggest getting some information from. That as well as having a

family consult, may make your family realize the seriousness of this.

I wish you well dear. We are here to support you and listen anytime. xx

[Kat_21 in reply to Agora1]

They did explain it to her, but she thinks they made a mistake and it was actually covid. I've already confirmed with my doctors that the timeline and symptoms don't match up with covid but she's still in denial.

I take a wide range of medications due to my autoimmune disease and she has been telling people I've been 'popping pills', and I have her on multiple support groups so she can read and try to understand but I feel like any attempt to connect with her is just going to cause more issues.

And pregnancy is actually what triggered mine. I also feel guilty for that because when my son gets older he may realize that that's what caused it and blame himself. I sometimes wish that I had just died in the hospital honestly.

Thank you for replying and reading my post. It's nice to have someone to talk to when I feel so alone.

[Agora1 in reply to Kat_21]

We're always here for you Kat. You are in a difficult position when you need

the support of your family the most. We are only a message away whenever

you need a friend to listen. Sending my love, Agora1 xx

[primrose81 in reply to Kat_21]

Ditto is what I say to all of Angora 1’s comments, listen carefully to her and you won’t go wrong. And you haven’t gone wrong ANYWHERE you must believe that cos I truly do. You have done all the right things for your mum, getting her involved etc etc it is up to her now, you take a back seat and wait for her to come out of denial in her own good time, just hope and pray it does not take too long. You sound an amazing person to have come through all this so far and your son I am sure realises how incredibly lucky he is to have you as his mum xx

[Hidden]

Wow, you sure have been through a lot! But welcome to the group I’m 20, if you ever need a friend i’ll be glad to be that! Anxiety and depression are very difficult but we can overcome them! Not many people know that. You’re not alone ❤️

[Kat_21 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much, it means a lot. Same goes for you, if you ever need anyone, you can message me.

[Hidden in reply to Kat_21]

Of course ❤️ message me anytime

[heavy_gecko]

It's so hard when you don't have the support of the people closest to you. I'm sorry you're going through that! That's what this group is here for. And I wouldn't worry about your son feeling like he is to blame--kids usually have a firm grasp on reality when parents are honest and trustworthy. Heck, even when they're not.

[Kat_21 in reply to heavy_gecko]

Thank you, it's just a difficult situation and it feels like I'll never get used to the 'new normal'. But I feel like joining this group is a step in the right direction.

[primrose81]

Keep going Kat_21: listen to gerrard too he has great advice. Click on his picture to see what he said today, it is very pertinent to how I can only imagine? you must be feeling. I did try to memorise it, it was so beautifully simple, now where did I put that notebook I use for writing helpful comments in, gerrerd’s feature a lot....something about guilt belonging to the past and anxiety about the future being firmly put in the past “box”, something like that but much better and pithily put Xx

[Kat_21 in reply to primrose81]

Thank you so much for your support. It's been difficult, but I'm getting through it day by day. I really appreciate it. 🙂

[primrose81 in reply to Kat_21]

Bless you, I am thinking of you xx