Never ending severe depression

Hello, I've been dealing with very severe depression since I was a child. In and out of hospitals and on almost every drug for depression there is, with no success. I haven't had any luck in finding a therapist, I found out very recently, that I have literally no friends, just people that want something from me when it's convenient for them and no family, which means no support system at all. The depression is so bad that I get about 2-4 hours of sleep a night. I've tried writing, listening to music, exercise, meditation and trying to think positive, volunteering, etc. etc. in order to try and redirect, but nothing has worked. I'm afraid that things are starting to move to a crisis level and I don't know what to do. I'm on so many waiting lists for therapy with the wait time being upwards of 8 weeks and I haven't been able to find any support groups - believe me, I've looked extensively. I'm tired of being alone, lonely, unloved, disregarded, ignored and just feeling like complete garbage. Waking up in the morning is a daily disappointment.

Everyday, when I go to work, I wear a mask and pretend that everything is ok, even though it's not. I end up providing support and motivation to others on my team while feeling completely emotionally and physically empty. I ran out of tears to cry a long time ago and now just feel empty and numb. Most times I wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't here any longer.

The last person I did try to talk to told me to "just think positively and everything will be ok". If I hear something like that one more time, I think I'm going to just scream.

Thank you all for just letting me vent.

[lillyofthevalley37]

Are you.on any medication?

[Hidden in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

No, not on any medications. Medications in the past have not been successful.

[lillyofthevalley37]

Progesterone cream or aguaje may help you sleep sorry I am assuming you are female but you need to sort out the sleep issue first to feel better?

[Hidden in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

Hi, yes, I'm female. For the sleep issue, I've tried lavender, melatonin, reading something boring before bed...nothing has helped. I've been told that I can't keep going like this, but can't seem to find any help in getting anything resolved.

[Sabio77]

chgoangel, I am glad you reached out on here. I totally relate. I have overcome 3 deep depressions myself. anxiety and panic attacks. none of which are no fun. you are not alone. there are many people who go thru it too. I recognize so much of what you are going thru. I must tell you from experience, there is hope so please don't give up. I see that you have truly tried to do the right coping methods. but, there are still more positive methods you have not mentioned but maybe have tried. encouraging you to believe in yourself. its sooooo important. I'm here for you if you choose to talk. I will listen and never judge. please keep us posted. hugs