I am new here and hoping for some insight. I am 38 and have been battling MDD since I was in high school.
Every psychotropic drug, talk therapy and in/out patient treatment I have tried seems to be a temporary fix then I’m back to square one. The problem is square one is getting darker and darker every time. On the other hand, that dark brings a sense of peace at times because I’m so tired of feeling this way. Is there anyone out there who can relate and/or has been here and gotten through this somehow? I feel so alone.
Written by
Justwantserenity
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
this is incredibly similar to how I am feeling at the moment. I'm going through one of my, as you said, increasingly painful, dark episodes. I am 39, turning 40 in a couple of months. I remember when I was about 32, reassuring myself that I would be okay by the time I got to 40. But no, that hasn't happened and I am becoming less motivated during these periods, because the hope I had when I was younger has almost totally diminished.
I have social anxiety, and generalised anxiety which has inevitably caused me to experience depression too! i feel trapped in my body, paralysed by the anxiety. I am in a relationship yet I feel alone. Being in a relationship heightens my self consciousness and also provides me with a human being, a successful, accomplished human being whom to continuously compare myself to. it's a bloody nightmare.
I feel hopeless, I know I will always be riddled, and the thought of having to live with this for another few decades is so so hellish. My primary condition is anxiety, not depression. You mentioned you've experienced treatments, medication that has given you a temporary fix. Do you have complete respite during these times?? How long do they usually last?? It's great that you have had a break, albeit temporary. But I completely get that when you become unfixed again that you feel like you are back to square one. A good friend of mine, she turns 60 next year, wakes every bloody morning feeling anxious. She has built a crazy level of resilience and battles on though it. I just don't know if thats the kind of life I want to live. you know??
I could go on, but essentially I just wanted to reach out to you and say that you are not alone, well you are, we all are, but other people do experience the same as we do, and there are beings out there who are more unfortunate. It's so sad to think that there are people in greater pain, who may think we have it easy in comparison to what they are enduring. mental illness is so unfair.
I only registered with this forum last night, this is my first post. I hope it helps you a little. I'm so sorry you
I have been battling anxiety and depression my whole life as well. I’m 42. I had my first panic attack at 16. I used to go through cycles of anxiety and depression and like you, it always comes back. I don’t know why, I don’t know what else to do. Can’t imagine fighting this battle my whole life. I don’t have an answer for you but I completely understand what your going through. Always waiting for it to come back and it never disappoints. I try and tell myself this too shall pass but..........
I'm so sorry that you are experiencing the nightmarish life that I find myself living through too. You are right, it ALWAYS comes back. I am no longer under the illusion that it will ever leave me permanently. I had hope before, but I don't anymore. I'm kind of just being realistic. I haven't really got the desire to live a life like this. it's so so so difficult. the smallest things, that a normal person does, can semi cripple me. I detached from my best friend of 17years during the week. imagine?? so sad. she was heartbroken, I just don't have the ability to maintain friendships. my goodness, the amount of people that have left my life, all because of my anxiety. I too tell myself "this too shall pass", it does inevitably, but its always around the corner, and really for me, the anxiety is always there. that negative little voice, doubting and questioning. when you come out the other side of the negative cycle, where you arrive at, was it worth what you went through to get there??
I have lost a lot of friendships as well, mainly cause I never ever want to do anything because I’m always afraid of having an anxiety attack while I’m out. I have had anxiety to the point of fainting in public so that alone adds to my anxiety. The saying my anxiety has anxiety is real .
I too have battled MDD since high school and I'm 65 years old. Temporary relief is good--I think I cycle in and out of major depression, but while I'm depressed I can't remember feeling any other way. If you are isolated because of COVID19, that's going to increase your level of depression (at least it has mine). Keep trying all the new medications that come out if you have a psychiatrist. Something may work. Try to make yourself do something every day, make yourself exercise if possible, talk to people if possible. I know how hard it can be to be in the depths of MDD. ECT was effective for me, but I only had one course of treatment because it is a major hassle to get it--someone has to drive you to the hospital, sit there the entire time, drive you home, you can't remember anything including who took you. But it did snap me out of a major, long lasting depressive episode. Good luck to you and don't give up.
I'm turning 40 in a couple of months and the thought of having to live through repetitive cycles of feeling really low, followed by having some temporary relief and feeling good, for the next twenty + years is a terrifying thought for me. have you found your life a constant struggle?? do you have a strong faith and for that reason chose not to 'give up'?? i also have anxiety - which is constant, the major depressive episodes happen every two or three months. you sound like a very strong person, I'm not so sure I am strong enough or to be blatantly honest I'm not so sure I can be bothered living a hugely sub-standard life. thank you for sharing x
I agree. Anxiety is my major issue and the depression comes and goes. Everything is multiplied by 1000 before my period. I do want to give up most of the time . I can’t imagine living an entire life of this.... truly at ny wits end
Hello, Justwantsernity. I love your username, it is what I would like, serenity. I am new, too. Since childhood I have suffered with GAD and I know that it will most likely be with me forever.
~The key is this.....meet today's problems with today's strength. Don't start tackling tomorrow's problems until tomorrow. You do not have tomorrow's strength yet. You simply have enough for today~
Each morning I say these words to myself and I try very hard to do this. It isn't always easy and it doesn't always work, but mostly it helps.
Finding this forum was a stroke of luck, my anxiety is at an all time high, for a variety of reasons. It is a relief to come here and hear other's struggles. It can help to make us feel less alone.
I love your username too! It succinctly expresses what many of us here are feeling. You are NOT alone. I have been fighting this fight most of my life (I’m 57). I’m new here too. Although I’m in the middle of an episode now, I have the advantage of knowing that I have been treated effectively in the past and have had long periods of relief from the darkness. This can happen for you too!
Hello, Justwantserenity -- I can completely relate to what you describe. The daily struggle in dark periods is exhausting! Like others here, I find strength in the idea of one day at a time... There are times when that works well, and others when it's like, "ugh, one more day?"
The struggle for me has been getting away from what I "should" feel--because it's never good enough--and working with what I am feeling. Some days when I'm feeling very low, that's not much, but there's always something...
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Any tips for holding a job? 
We have to hold on to hope, even if that is ALL we have to hold on to. 
barely holding on
Trying to be positive 
