New member. Trying not to give up but overwhelmed.

[RoxyHart]

My anxiety and depression make me think “no one wants to hear this” and “no one cares.” My anxiety tells me I have to word this perfectly and succinctly (don’t want to exhaust people with too many words). My depression tells me that it doesn’t matter anyway, I should just go to bed. But I’m doing my best to reach out for support.

I feel like every issue could be a paragraph and more. And who has time for that. In short:

I’m unemployed and my unemployment is running out.

I had to run from a paranoid schizophrenic stalker who threatened me. I’ve been through three towns, four houses and two jobs in the last year.

I am living on so little money after having been pretty successful in my career. Full of shame as I watch my friends with families, kids, houses and good jobs seem so content. Stupidly, what little money I do have I spend on cigars and alcohol. Because they seem the only escape mechanisms.

I have no health insurance.

Every day I wake up thinking I’ll accomplish something and every day I seem to fail. I’ve been trapped in Groundhog’s Day for months.

I get no joy from all the things I used to like cooking, making art, setting goals, working out, writing, music....

I’m steadily getting fatter because I can’t motivate to do anything despite the fact I can barely eat.

I have nightmares every night.

I count a day I only cry once a good day.

I think of suicide every single day but I’m committed to overpower the thoughts. Still they exhaust me.

I’m afraid I’ll be the girl with a master’s degree who becomes homeless because she can’t pay her rent.

This list goes on. I’ve found myself in a horrible situation and then I have anxiety and depression and suicidal thoughts piled on top of it. I’m so exhausted

[Hidden]

Hi there, it sounds like you got yourself into a hole and it’s hard to get out. I’ve been in a hole for the last year and it is hard to get out! The first step is to stop digging, so seeking support for your addictions maybe a good step such as a 12 step program. You have a masters degree so that shows ambition and talent, something that you can rekindle. Do you have a supportive family? Or any support system?

[RoxyHart in reply to Hidden]

I’ve thought about AA. Even though I don’t like the group think. I have made an effort in the past few months to be less protected and more open with friends about what is really going on with me. They can be helpful, and I love them, but oftentimes they encourage professional support when I have no money to pay for that support. I have bills I can’t pay and my credit score is diving. You’re right though, I need to treat the addiction to alcohol especially as it’s become my key coping mechanism. Something to be said for just being able to go to sleep when you’re this depressed and anxious. The thing that is killing me in my more rational brain is that I do have job options, and people who love me even if they can’t support in the most helpful way. Yet, I’m still just stuck in this horrid depression. Thank you for taking time to respond, I’m grateful. Never would have imagined myself here.

[Hidden in reply to RoxyHart]

Oh ya, I also never imagined going from successful job to disability to unemployment. So you are not on an antidepressant? Lexapro has helped me sleep, I had insomnia for months it was terrible. It maybe worth a trip to the ER, or a clinic just to get on something. Even with no insurance they will treat you and help you obtain Medicaid. AA is a place you can gain social support and support for your addiction.

[RoxyHart in reply to Hidden]

No antidepressants at this point. And I’m sure I should get on Medicaid. I hate the fact that I’ve gone from being an overachiever to not having the motivation even to get the help I need. I’m glad I can acknowledge that I need it, but it’s so frustrating to just feeling completely immobilized. Unfortunately most of my support system is long distance. I know it’s on me to take the steps but I wish someone close to me here would take the reins and drag me to help. I’m so tired of doing it on my own. Your advice is solid though and I’m sorry you’re in a tough spot too. It really does help just to speak it.

[KDJTrainer in reply to RoxyHart]

Whoa we are in the same spot. It’s really hard to get on here when you are struggling. I had it all and for some reason it crumbled in the last 9 months. It’s very humbling. Honestly, just take baby steps. It sounds like you are extremely hard on yourself. I am looking for insurance too! This is really hard. I am working on it. If u DM me I can point u in the right direction. Keep talking, it helps.

[RoxyHart in reply to KDJTrainer]

I think that’s what I like about this site. It reminds you that you’re not alone. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. Thank you for your response. And yes, I’m incredibly hard on myself. I think it comes from having a parent be incredibly hard on me. I finally opened up to my mother and I’ve spent days in a back and forth with her Just realizing her limited capacity as a support person and wishing I’d never shared.

I hate that I already have leads on Medicare and free clinic and I still can’t motivate. It makes me wonder if something in me wants to self destruct. A good friend has let me live with him, and it’s like I can see the respect just slipping away. Like “why don’t you do something about it?” And I realize how much distance exists between the mentally well and the mentally ill. Not a place I ever wanted to be. I can see some reasons, family history, parental detachment from mental health “suck it up! What’s wrong with you? Stop being a snowflake!” But I’m in it, and it’s so real.

[KDJTrainer in reply to RoxyHart]

It’s ok, I can tell you are a very smart person and this is overwhelming. I say, try to do something this week that brought you joy in the past. Something easy and free. Maybe a little sunshine too. Do you have anyone who can help you make a phone call? Maybe we can encourage each other to figure this out together. I hope you are feeling better today. ♥️