Should I tell my parents?

[Jaco2016]

Hi all,

I’m wondering if anyone has heard of childhood emotional neglect (CEN). This is described by a Dr. Jonice Webb who has written several books about it. It basically states that emptiness can come into your life (ie depression) when childhood emotional needs weren’t met. For example your parents never acknowledged your feelings (“You look sad today , do you want to talk about it?”). I never had this kind of support growing up and instead was taught to internalize feelings and ignore bad feelings. So I recently found this book and wanted to share it with my parents only because I believe they too were emotionally neglected by their own parents . In my dad’s case he lived in different foster homes as a kid due to his mom having a breakdown and being institutionalized. He says he never felt like the family loved him. In my mom’s case her mom is emotionally distant (I’ve never met her and I’m 40 years old) probably because she was sexually abused by her husband. I’m hoping that sharing this book would help them out with their own emotions but my wife thinks it could back fire because they would blame themselves for “failing as parents” ( my mom in particular has low self esteem and immediately beats herself up over things when my other siblings have complained about her lack of involemvent as a grandparent). My parents are both good people but not super involved with my kids unless I twist their arm ... I’m wondering if this book could help them. Any thoughts?

[hypercat54]

HI I have heard of this and have put links on here before. I am a victim of CEN too. I think if you try and share this with your parents they will think you are criticising them. How would you feel if your children did that to you? It might also open up a whole lot of regrets about things they can't change and make them unhappy. I am with your wife on that one.

A better way might be to work on yourself and start your own healing then demonstrate it to your parents ie ask them how they are feeling, sharing your new emotional maturity with them and so on. You could also drop it casually into the conversation or leave information lying around so they can see it. I think treading lightly is the best solution here if you are trying to help them. x

[Jaco2016 in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks I appreciate your input. I do need to work on fixing myself first. I guess I was hoping to get closer somehow to my parents. My relationship is so formal and awkward and we don’t share much with each other. I was hoping we could work on it together really and use it as something to bring us together

[hypercat54 in reply to Jaco2016]

You could start doing non threatening things such as hugging them when you meet? I started doing this with my parents and sisters and we all have done it ever since. If you are clever you can teach them quite a lot without letting them know you are! Then maybe later on you can let them know more about CEN?

Or maybe one or both of your parents already know about it? x

[Glenora]

I agree with hypercat54 this is definitely the right approach. Teaching in a nonthreatening way is a much better idea than presenting the information in the way of a book or anything that looks like criticism, no matter how much easier the direct approach may seem. The less direct one is better in this case.

[Hidden]

Im a 66 yr old parent of adult kids. I think if they approached me with this, it would be a meaningful interaction and helpful for all. Both my parents( deceased now) had alcoholic abusive dads and I tried discussing some things with my mom when I was told I had an emotionally absent mother. She was 90 at that time and didnt take it well, ran to her room, slammed the door and wailed like a 13 yr old child. So, maybe I was too pushy for her 90 yr old mind. But if you approach them with good intentions, I think you should. If they dont respond well, dont take it personally.