I'm new, don't know how to deal with suicidal thoughts

[Chartreuse_]

It's a bit confusing right now. I'm new here, and only have begun to realize how I feel.

I always told myself that I was just constantly sad, not depressed. For a while that was true, days were blue but still beautiful in some way. But now, I'm not reassured by anyone's advice near me. My self-hate has escalated. My worst enemy is myself, and it sounds harsh but nobody's kind words will change that. I have thought of self harm and suicide recently... I'm in that situation right now. A panic attack is building up right now.

Logic is what usually holds me back, 'what is your family going to do without you', 'how will you hide the cuts', etc. But I feel like I'm losing control, and I'm afraid of a day where nothing will hold me back. No, I know if I don't change there's gonna be a day where I don't hold back. How can I change this? As a Christian the answer should be within my religion, but nothing is adding up recently and my religion usually makes me feel worse.

I'm not really looking for answers from people, since for some reason I feel we're all dealing with the same problem, just variations of it. Still, I do really like this idea for a community. Sorry if this is too long, I just need to rant.

[4woody]

Hi

[4woody]

Glad you feel free to rant. You can drop the apology though. You are right in thinking you aren’t the only one who feels the way you do. I have worse days than I’m having today. Have you ever tried to identify any triggers?

[Chartreuse_ in reply to 4woody]

Hm- thank you for the reply. My family is religious, and often when I can't connect with the religion, I start to lose control. When I am under pressure (ex. I play piano for competitions) I often breakdown.

I can't sleep most nights, since my brain can't rest. Secretly I enjoy writing, but since it feels inevitable that I lose my passion for it in order to continue with school, I've become apathetic towards it.

[4woody in reply to Chartreuse_]

Chartreuse, to not sleep is to rob yourself of your ability to cope with stress. Sleep has become so very important to me. As I practice habits that make sleep possible my anxiety becomes less problematic. What steps do you take to be able to sleep? The lack of sleep will continue to undermine your physical and mental health. If I can help please ask.

[4woody in reply to Chartreuse_]

Could you explain this sentence... Secretly I enjoy writing, but since it feels inevitable that I lose my passion for it in order to continue with school, I've become apathetic towards it.

[pink318]

Hi,

Welcome to the group! Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you are going through a difficult time. It’s good that you reached out. I hope you will find comfort here and you will continue to share your feelings to help you feel less lonely. You are not alone, we are here for each other.

Please stay strong. Take care of yourself. Have you talked to your doctor regarding how you feel? I hope you can get the help you need. May you be surrounded with God’s peace and strength you need to keep going each day.