Living Through It

[Angel112080]

I Have Been Dealing With Depression For A Very Long Time. When I Was 19 I Began Experiencing Anxiety And Having Panic Attacks. I Went Through A Period Of Time Where My Panic Attacks Were Off The Charts, They Would Happen About Frequently. I Call Myself A Runner, Because When I Have A Panic Attack I Take Off Running. Lol..I Try To Run Away From How Im Feeling, Trying To Run Away From The Panic. Its A Horrible Feeling. As Ive Gotten Older The Panic Attacks Are Few And Far But My Anxiety Is Always Around In Some Way. I Have Mood Swings, Aggravation, Sarcasm, Refuse To Laugh Even If Its Funny. Just Kind Of Allow Myself To Drown In It Until I Feel It Passes.

My Husband And I Got Into A Huge Fight And I Really Dont Think He Knows How To Help Me Be Calm When Im Overwhelmed Or Needing A Little Space. He Makes Me Feel Like Im Never Doing Enough Which Is Overwhelming. He Does Not Help Me With Our 3 Year Old, And Comes Across Like I Dont Need Breaks From Our Child. Its A Very One Way Kinda Deal. But We Got Into A Fight And He Wanted Me To Move Out. So I Did, With Our Child. He Refuses To Work On Things Until I Seek Help. He Believes That Our Marriage Failing Is All On Me, Which Is Making Me Depressed. I Just Started Journaling And Started A New Routine To Try To Help Myself, Because I Dont Want Meds. This Seems To Be Helping Some And Ive Been Getting Small Breaks From My Child, Very Helpful. Just Interested In What You Guys Are Doing To Cope With Day To Day Life.

[Thetealharp]

Marriage like communication is a two way street. Can you get yourself any therapy?

[primrose81 in reply to Thetealharp]

I ditto that, you both definitely need an intermediary or whatever they are called. Is there an impartial family friend, or doctor( you could go together, my husband always comes in with me as I'm always so pathetically nervous? Or if you go to church(even if you don't you could always ask) is there a member of the clergy who could come and see you both at home? You need all the support you can get with a 3year old and just can't understand how your husband doesn't get that.....

[Angel112080 in reply to primrose81]

Definitely Trying To Seek Help With A Counselor Or Therapist, Which He Told Me Recently Wasnt Enough Help For Me. His Exact Words Were "Youre Bat Shit Crazy And Need Medical Help". Now I Know You Do Not Know Me, And Think It Could Be Possible That I Am That Crazy, But I Assure You I Am Not. He Wants Me On Medicine And With My Anxiety Im Terrified Of Taking Meds. I Want To Do Therapy To Have Someone To Talk With And Guide Me, Not Medicate Me. Right Now He Wont Even Consider Going With Me. I Believe If He Went With Me And If The Counselor Or Anyone That We Chose Said Anything To Defend Me He Would Agree For The Moment And Then Never Go Back And See That Person Again. Its Breaking Me To Know That I Dont Have A Partner That Is Behind Me, Encouraging All The Steps That I Am Taking Or Am Trying To Take. But He Was Never Really The Get Behind Me Type. I Have To Agree With Him On Most Things, Because If I Have A Different Opinion Then That Means Im Going Against Him. As I Write All This Im Telling Myself "Why Are You Even Trying To Get To Him?". I Wish I Knew. I Think My Self Esteem Is Nonexistent. Ive Been Through So Much Bad With Him That The Little Bit Of Good That Was There Is What Im Wanting, I Guess. I Pray For Him To Have Compassion For Me, To Not Give Up On Me, To See That I Was A Good Wife To Him. I Did Everything For Him, Which He Said Is Not Love. Just Feel Alone In My Marriage, Which Now I Dont Even Have My Marriage.

[primrose81 in reply to Angel112080]

I'm very sorry you are having such an awful time. I'm no expert but it sounds to me that your husband is very stressed about something and is taking it out on you which is so unfair saying nasty things like that. He must miss you and his own child too. Please try to get a third person involved or if that is not possible go to your own doctor for support. Will be thinking of you xx

[lovetodance2018]

I am glad you reached out here. It is a safe place to share and we all understand the struggles of life with anxiety. As many of the responses seeking therapy for yourself and together is very important for yourself and your relationship. I struggled for years with my husband not understanding and he was very controlling. I had to learn to stick up for myself. Marriage and parenting is a partnership. Also there is nothing wrong with going on medication. I learned awhile ago that anxiety and depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and with the right medication it helps balance it. Also therapy gives us tools and strategies to deal with life.

It is important you get a break from your 3 year old as often as you can to have some "me" time. Do have family close by? When I didn't have family I joined two groups that was a great support MOMS Club - momsclub.org/ and MOPS - mops.org/. I also found churches that Mom's Day Out programs. I used those days for "me" time. Lastly, you can also look into a mother's helper. I had a teenager come after school a few days a week so I could have time to myself.

They say it takes a village to raise a child and this is so true, so reach out for help.

I am glad you are journaling, that was a huge help in me feeling less anxious. My journals always seem to turn out to be written prayers. I felt as often as I could give my anxiety to God, I would feel more at peace. I also learned breathing techniques that been helping. The best one is 557 deep breathing. 5 slow breaths in breathing in all the calmness I want in my life, hold for 5 keeping those feelings in me and 7 slow breaths out releasing all the anxiety and anything in my life that causes me stress. I do this 3 times a day or when I need to. It really brings me peace.

I will be praying for you and reach out anytime. You all can pm me if you want to chat. Hugs and God Bless.