Hello, new here. I’ve been struggling lately. I’m 31 male, I’ve been married for two years and have a 16 m/o daughter. My favorite friendships have dried up since I’ve been married and have no family close by. I live in a small community in the middle of nowhere. I feel alone and overwhelmed. I feel like when I talk to my wife it makes things worse, in all fairness it’s usually because I’m upset, frustrated and crying. She can’t talk to me when I’m crying. I feel overwhelmed. I’ve talked to my therapist and she says I need to take care of myself and be more confident. I’m having a hard time doing that both schedule wise and motivation. I work 10hr days and have a 75 minute commute one way.
She says I have a mild depression and anxiety. Ive been suffering from sexual performance issues, crying, and emotional issues. I feel like my wife is critical of me and I get defensive easily, but when I calm down and reflect later I question whether she really was.
I used to hike and Mtn bike before we got married, but I feel so busy now that I can’t seem to fit it in any more. I took half a day off yesterday to go for a hike with my wife and daughter, but it didn’t happen. I ended up getting in an argument with my wife over it. She told me I need to take care of myself and figure this out, to make it happen. I went for a hike and a drive afterwards and felt refreshed. I dreaded going home though. When I got home my wife was still mad and I feel like crap again today.
Sorry for the long rambling post, but sometimes I just wish I had someone to talk to. Looking for hope that things are going to get better.
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Snowy5
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Hi Snowy5....and you do have someone to talk with, Welcome to the Support Forum. There isn't one of us who has not gone through the same thing that you are experiencing right now. Life's demands catch up with us sooner or later and we become more vulnerable to anxiety/depression. Life changes, responsibilities all play into our feeling overwhelmed.
It's true that you need to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else including your family. No matter how much someone loves you if they don't understand what you are going through, both of you feel the pain and frustration.; When we feel no one understands, we become distant, setting up a wall around us and even become argumentive. Stress affects all parts of our mind and body.
Are you on some medication while having therapy? This may help you in moving forward with success. Anxiety presents as a stumbling block and we can tend to stay stuck. A little medication with therapy can break down that wall around you and allow you to learn new methods in regaining who you now are as a husband, father and provider. It doesn't mean you have to give up on the things you once enjoyed. You are still the same person, just in a different role.
I'm glad you found this forum of great men and women of all ages who share their personal journeys. You will see yourself in many of the stories they share and you will know you are not alone. We learn from others who truly understand our pain. We can relate, we find comfort and support. Snowy5, I'm glad you are here. This is just the start of a new beginning for you.
Thank you. That was a breath of fresh air. No, I’m not on any medication. My wife suffered from depression in her mid 20s and nearly killed herself due to a poor doctor/management, so I’ve been a bit scared.
I was on high blood pressure medication, but recently came off of it. I’m still on cholesterol meds. I had a mild stroke or migraine with stroke symptoms late last year (they never figured out what) where I temporarily lost the ability to speak and had issues with control of my body. Fortunately nothing permanent, but scared the heck out of me. They discovered my blood pressure and cholesterol were through the roof. I struggle with emotional eating.
Hi again Snowy5 wanted to digest what you have gone through. We are not doctors but physical issues definitely play a big part in our anxiety. And it seems you've had some to contend with. I can understand how your wife's mismanagement of her medication caused you to fear reaching out for help. Anxiety already makes us fearful of starting meds.
That had to be beyond scary for you last year in not knowing what caused your symptoms. Any reason why you were taken off b/p meds? I'm on medication for high blood pressure and it does give me a security and has proven to help keep the numbers in check.
Many of us struggle with emotional eating on the forum. It is comfort eating. Although many more suffer with losing their appetite just as bad. Sharing our struggles helps make it a little less painful. Keep sharing, as my therapist would say, it lessens the burden by giving it to someone else for a few moments Take care Snowy...
Thank you for your thoughts, support and advice. My Dr and I decided to try stopping the BP medication as I’ve been keeping it under control and it has the side effects of potential erectile dysfunction, which I’m struggling with. I still monitor my BP multiple times per day and it has been doing well.
Good to hear that stopping the medication was under the guidance of your doctor. And yes it is one of the side effects for men. I'm glad to hear you are doing well. Continued success.
Hang in there. Have you ever brought your wife in for one of your counseling sessions? Also, is where you’re living healthy for you? I get that part though as I just moved and all my friends live a good 45/ hour away. I feel alone in that .. I’m glad you’re reaching out on here
I initially wanted her too, but in some of our earlier arguments she’s told me it’s my issue and didn’t want to go. She’s since come around and has been more supportive but I think still believes it’s something I need to figure out. It has come up in several arguments that this is my problem. I think we’ve just gotten a bit disconnected and have been blaming each other. She has agreed to go though. I’ve been dreading it, but I may ask her to go with.
I struggled with the relationship side and confidence side a bit before we moved, but we moved while pregnant. I think the move, having our child, and lack of support network has all amplified it.
Did you have any of these issues before you moved?
Hi Snowy5 it's hard when your spouse is not there for you or they make it worse. I am too in a bad situation. I have always worked and I have been unemployed for over a year and it really sucks when you have to ask for the minimal. I lost my granddaughter last year and that was the worst time in my life till this day I cry everyday. When I am having a bad day I try to stay busy just Sunday I was feeling reallly bad so I told myself not today. I mowed my back yard clean it up , made lunch for my family ( chiles reyenos) rice,beans , then I cut my dogs hair bathed him and my whole Sunday when by fast. Last night I got into an argument with my spouse he forgot that I had errands to run today and was upset that I did not ask him to go with me I did not think of it as a big deal cause all I was doing is taking my grandson to school at 7 am and getting my daughter shot record from school. He felt I did not infor him and he made a big deal about it. It's 2 pm and I have not gotten out of bed. I did not take him to school my son took him. I won't eat for a few days and just sit here and cry and cry. So I can understand how you feel when your spouse is an absent spouse. Keep your head up that's what I will try to do.
Snowy5- you certainly have a lot on your plate. A new marriage requires much adjusting add a new child that’s a lot of stress. Compound it with a move and a lack of support, and long days at work.. it’s no wonder why you feel this way. You know the analogy, don’t put all your eggs in one basket, what I mean is you may be putting to much pressure on your marriage. It’s likely there is some resentment between you and your wife, with all new marriages there always is. This is part of learning how to be in a partnership. Learn to take time for yourself, it may feel selfish, but it’s very important to have that in your routine. Good job taking a half of day,next time take that time to be with you. I’m a little down the road as my daughter is now 11. My wife and I have been married for 18 years. We are just starting marriage counseling. Let me say it’s much easier to just walk away. I too work long days and when I’m off I put me first. I go to the gym and do cardio for one hour everyday I’m off. I relax even if that means other chores have to wait. I’m just learning to have me time. To sum it up all of these challenges revolve around finding balance as being a dad, Husband, child and friend all are equally as important all the while find time to have a relationship with ourselves.
Thank you. That is very helpful. I struggle with me time as I miss being with my daughter and early on in our relationship I always felt like my wife would get upset when I took some time to myself. I can’t get those fights and guilt out of my head. I know I’ll be much better for it, but I still struggle with it.
To be honest I wanted to spend that half day by myself hiking, but I didn’t want to tell my wife that. I felt like I would seem like a bad dad and husband.
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