It's been an OK week - I mean I found all you guys so things can't be all bad.
With everything going on in the world right now, I have been remotely working from home - so given my emotional state, at least if I need to break down and have a pity party for a few minutes, well, no-one is this wiser. Now I'm told within the next week I will be transitioning back to the office. Great - no more falling apart at my desk. Actually had a Dr appt yesterday, I'd been off anti-depressants for a while and in February we restarted. Two bad spells of literally feeling suicidal and I stopped them. I should probably mention that I drink and both times I had drank a little more than I should; but sonsidering I'm a person that has 2 or 3 drinks everyday after work, my fiance and I discussed and decided to stick with my other meds and drop that one as it was the only new thing that probably made the change. Besides, I enjoy my wind down whiskey or beer when I get home. She simply urgered me to really moniter and call if I decided I wanted to try something else.
In the last 10 days my fiance also seriuosly relasped. Honestly, no major surprise, just crappy timing and what has probably brought my depression and anxiety to another high. He came clean - we talked alot and he's at 7 days sober. (Ishould probably also mention he's had some major health issues and hasn't worked more than 10 days in 3 months). Throw one income on everything else and well.......
My nephews birthday party was today. I got last minute notice Thursday afternoon, because appearently my alcoholic mother forgot (who also starts inpatient treatment next week). Fiance agreeed to go, seemed hesitant but agreed; after getting ready this morning and dashing in to by a last minute something - I could tell he was off. Probly anxiety, but not sure, maybe just felt bad or was having some urges. Needless to say the conversation didn't go well and we ended back home rather than at a 5 year olds party. He thinks my family has a bad opinion of him and he would be unwanted there. Then know far less than 1/4 about his addiction as I have always made excuses for him.
Here I am in tears as we are back home - he's not speaking to me as he says I will blame it on him and that with getting some financial priorities straight in the next few months we need to go our seperate ways.
He is my high school sweetheart that I left a 20 year marraige, home and kids for. Tomorrow is mothers day and right now my boys aren't even speaking to me. I'm currently licenseless and carless, I have no clue how I'm going to pay my rent, my head feels like it is ready to explode......and I really know nothing else to do but to lay on this couch and cry.
Written by
JDinFL
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It sounds like your having a tough time. I get that. When it rains it pours. But understand this, you are the only person in control of your happiness. You get to decide how you react and respond to anything. It is the easier thing to lay down and cry (which sometimes we need to do) but it's the harder thing to get up and start taking action to improve your situation. Make a plan. Write down a list of things that you wish were different or you want to change. Then cross out the ones you have no control over. Focus on what's left and take action. You can only control you, not others.
Just to say that you are in the right place here with us all. A great bunch of people who will help you in anyway they can. So reach out when you can.
I am so very sorry to hear about all that has gone on, and what you are going through. It’s a lot. A lot for one persons shoulders to carry. But carry we must, I’m sure you agree.
It’s all about working through it a bit at a time then the load will lighten.
Small steps.
Do it at your pace. Then it won’t feel to overwhelming.
Maybe a fresh start is what’s need. Starting to get to know you, and you alone. Learn to love yourself before anyone else. Concentrate on your well being. Start to heal and mend and work towards your positive mental health.
For me distraction is key. Reading and trying new online courses. Just look out for what could bring joy back into your life. We all need that.
That is an awful lot to handle. I am so sorry you are going through all this.
I like all the advice you got here already and am not sure I can add much. I hope you have success with your meds.and if you need to, you can hopefully call your therapist for an appointment. You have a great deal of things going on. I don’t know about you, but I tend to get stuck on the couch and my ability to do anything goes downhill. So just try to do one small positive thing for yourself to start. Eventually, lists help me because they make me feel less overwhelmed. Don’t stuff down your emotions, you may need to cry.
I may be way off base, but have you tried AA ? You can rely on a sponsor’s help to turn you in the right direction. Is going to AA together something you already suggested to your boyfriend. ? If he stops ignoring you, perhaps you can bring it up and support one another. But mainly you deserve your own caring and love. So go by yourself to get support. Keep posting here and let people know how you are doing.
It all sounds so simple written down but it is definitely not ! All of it coming at the same time is a lot to bear. You may need someone to just. listen for a while. Just remember to put yourself first. and take care of you.
Just some thoughts about transitioning back to the office.......many years ago when I was dealing with breast cancer, I would be constantly ruminating, worrying and crying. It just
so happened that I was given a new role at work where I would have to call families to tell
them their insurance no longer covered their hospital stay. With empathy l would listen to how they didn't know what to do with their loved one, and they would thank me for at least listening to them. For me getting up, dressed and going into the office and concentrating on my job helped take my mind off my own situation at least for a while. Perhaps you might feel better about yourself, more confident and proud when you are able to successfully transition back to the office and not break down. Best wishes to you!
I am sorry to hear of your very real dilemmas. I trust you have been to AA or gotten some counseling. Alcohol is such a pervasive drug these days and causes so much suffering yet every TV movie has everyone drinking. This angered me to the point that I rebelled against the use of alcohol. There are mothers and families who have lost loved ones because of it--more than any pandemic.
It is time for you to get angry and not let this billion-dollar industry run your life and destroy it. Fight back. Perhaps drinking led to wrong choices that are part of your current dilemma.
Having said that, you need to take another direction to find happiness and peace. Acknowledge the problem. You are stronger than you think. The fact you got on here says you want change. You don't like feeling this way. You have a future far beyond the situation you are now in; you must go for it. A spiritual life and the kind of surrender that AA uses, is still the best route. Pray and believe in the future prepared for your victory.
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Having a hard time understanding what I’m feeling
What now? 
Feeling so angry right now 
I'm at work & just seen my husband & now having an attack & a meltdown
So frustrated right now
