No backup plan

[BorachioHatpeg]

This is my first time posting though I joined years ago. I'm a 45 year old woman who has been almost entirely housebound from agoraphobia for nearly 15 years. By almost entirely I mean I have only gone away from my house 3 times in as many years. Mostly for major medical emergencies. I've been living with my best friend of 27 years and soulmate /fiancée of 12 years. He's the love of my life and he's so decided that he can't watch me suffer in my self imposed isolation anymore and he's done. For more than a decade he's convinced me that we are forever and now that I'm too old and broken to be useful for anyone or anything else he's just done. I have no friends or family and other than him the only human I talk to is a therapist online. I'm terrified and sad and need some help seeing anything positive ahead for me.

[xsor]

my lovely you are not on your own we are a community and there is always someone to talk to please don’t ever think your alone

Keep your chin up lovely there are positive things to come I know that’s hard to see at the minute but you will get through

Sending u much love n hugs 🤗🤗🤗💕💕💕x

[BorachioHatpeg in reply to xsor]

Thank you!

[xsor in reply to BorachioHatpeg]

Your welcome I have been agrophobic for 4 years I have a anxiety disorder and struggle every day lovely

I have met so many wonderful people on here through my journey and you know to meet people like I have it makes days a bit brighter to know your not alone in your journey your not too old and broken you have reached out my darling and that your first step in your road to your recovery

Always here if u need a chat

Sending u hugs and love 🤗🤗🤗💕💕💕

Chin up xxx

[Sugaree]

Xor said it very well, you don’t have to be alone. I sometimes come on the site when I am lonely and just read the posts . My sister is in a similar situation. Over the years it has gotten really bad. I wish I could help but don’t know what to say. She owns a winery that she never set foot in, her husband goes in everyday. She only communicates by email with her employees. She doesn’t like to talk on phone either. Borachoi, I wish I could help her, I am so sorry you’re also homebound. But please post when you’re feeling lonely. Sending you a big hug.

[BorachioHatpeg in reply to Sugaree]

Your sister sounds alot like me. I don't talk on the phone either, no social media, basically no real time or face to face interaction. It's taken me years now to finally even post here, though with help dealing with the people part I've been able to board dogs in our home successfully for years. It's awful being so alone and I couldn't begin to wish it on anyone else but it is comforting to know that I am not the only one. Thank you

[BorachioHatpeg in reply to Sugaree]

Thank you for taking time to help me feel like I might not have to be so alone.

[Downinil]

Hi BorachiHatpeg! I’m sorry you are going through all of this. I really am as I am in a similar situation. Please feel free to message me anytime. I need a friend too and hopefully we can help each other by supporting one another.

[BorachioHatpeg in reply to Downinil]

I would very much appreciate a friend who can understand a little bit of what this is like. I'm not great at reaching out but I will certainly try. Thank you.

[Stilltrying2]

BorachioHatpeg,

You are not alone. There are many helpful people here to talk to. You are not too old and broken. Your life is changing and that is uncomfortable. I have a hard time with change too. We are all on a journey. Perhaps we can help each other along the journey. You can also message me.

[BorachioHatpeg in reply to Stilltrying2]

Thank you for taking time to reach out to me with your kind words and encouragement. I really need such things right now.

[Stilltrying2 in reply to BorachioHatpeg]

Yes, don’t be afraid to reach out. This is a very nice community. You have virtual friends willing to listen and support you.

[Agora1]

Hi Borachio-Hatpeg, I care, I understand your pain all too well. After struggling with

Anxiety for many years, I went into Agoraphobia. It was like something came over me

one day that made me fear everything . I covered the windows, I wouldn't answer the

phone or doorbell. I couldn't even peek my head out to get the mail. That was the

beginning of a 5 year house bound journey. I couldn't handle the stimulation of lights

or sounds without jumping out of my skin. I had lost friends and family over this period

because no one could understand this insanity. And so like you, I was on my own.

I was fortunate, at least I thought to have a new doctor who choose to watch over me

by coming to my home once every month and have his nurses come every week to do

vitals. Out of desperation, I was able to find doctors who would come to the house for

foot care, labs etc. Therapy started with home visits and then eventually turned

to phone visits. I was so needy because I was so scared. During those 5 years, I searched

the internet for help and found YouTube as my "go to". I'd listen to videos done by

Psychiatrist, Psychologists, Social Workers and even Gurus. I dug into anything and

every thing, I was determined to find something that would work for me.

I am happy you reached out to this great community of virtual friends. I wish I had this

group when I needed it. It's going to be okay. I'm sorry in what you are going through

physically and emotionally right now. Believe in your heart of hearts that you can and

you will cross over this bridge with our help and the help of your therapist.

Take my hand, I will walk with you as well as the others. This is a team approach.

You will win dear. xx

[SayNOtoPanic in reply to Agora1]

😭🙏🏻Agora you’re a gem. Bless you.

[The_Butterfly]

Your story is heart wrenching. I am curious about your name? Borachio Hatpeg. Does it mean anything special? It sounds cool. 😎

[BorachioHatpeg in reply to The_Butterfly]

It's an anagram for the agoraphobic🥴

[SayNOtoPanic]

Borachio, I am lifting you in prayer 🙏🏻 to find the strength and determination to deal with this. Small steps. Do you and your fiancee talk about his current sentiment and why now he’s saying he’s done? Is he expecting you to just be ok? Don’t over analyze everything just focus on you and how you can rise from this. Check out the late Dr Weekes book Hope and help for your nerves. I really like her approach on agoraphobia. You can listen to it on audible or even YouTube videos. Hang in there.

[Cyprusfan]

Hello lovely lady. You are stronger, braver than you think....look at this positive step you have taken today...it is a huge milestone.....I am sorry about your fiancee deciding he needs to be done but try turn it into a positive. Little steps at a time. Maybe go to garden or a walk a few steps outside your home ...and return if to much. You CAN do this. Sending love from the UK x

[CLB1125]

hello Borachio, glad you decided to post. I can relate. I have found over the years nothing is definite. I’m sorry things fell apart with you and your fiancé. But now is the time to focus all your energy on you. We’re all here for you.

[blackcat64013]

Hi,Thank you for your post.

Gaining our basic confidence to do something outside our comfort zone is certainly going to take some time.

Each of us needs to choose a pace at which we can work.

We need an especially supportive environment. Our forum provides such a ❤ place outside the therapy sessions.

I have a copy of the poem composed by Rumi, a 13th century Sufi poet which is my go to solace. It's a difficult deep text but it's still relevant now as the day it was written, some 8 centuries ago.

The poem is called "The Guest House"

This human being is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all.

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of furniture, still treat each guest honourably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes because each of them has been sent as a guide from beyond.

[BorachioHatpeg in reply to blackcat64013]

That's wonderful, thank you so much. Very fitting analogy. I remember reading this as a teenager and thinking it was OK, funny what time does to perspective. Thank you for giving me the chance to revisit this work when I truly resonate with all of it's deeper meaning.

[Pitalife]

I feel your pain as I suffer from social phobia n bipolar w bad anxiety,I been caregiver of my elderly mom for 10yrs and she never goes out unless a Dr appt...I know how you feel but you got to see his side of the coin,it's tough,very tough to watch someone suffer as it rubs off,I've been dragged down feeling watching my mom mentalillness eat her up,it's tough to witness very tough infact...I'm no professional but seems you must try to interact maybe w group therapy.i chose to do 1 on 1 w my therapist to get me out and interact,it's been better then expected thus far. Maybe think on that,better then losing it all,what do you think?..stay in touch.good group here.....

[BorachioHatpeg in reply to Pitalife]

Thank you for reaching out to me even though you have a pretty hard perspective on the matter. I absolutely do see his side. It breaks my heart that the thing I tried so hard for I was also destroying the whole time. I get it, what it's like to watch a loved one spiral into darkness. I feel very guilty and kind of hopeless because of what I've done. Thank you for your encouraging advice. I just started therapy again a couple of weeks ago, still only messaging online but my posting here and responding to all of the much needed support was a pretty huge step for me. One of many in the long road ahead I hope.

[Pitalife in reply to BorachioHatpeg]

Your welcome,I'm not trying to take sides,I'm bipolar and can't seem to make relations happen..om meaning there's always to sides of relationship coin,and the one w out the illness gets burnt out n don't fully understand.....stay in touch....good group here....