Panic attacks, depressive episodes, and suicidal thoughts

[Genuinearies04]

[!!Trigger Warning!!] At work today, I had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, I was constantly crying, and couldn’t think. After that, came a depressive episode. I was saying negative things to myself and saying things that no one should hear themselves say... I am now having suicidal thoughts again. I fixed a sandwich and slide the knife across my wrist, then slid it gently across my neck.. wondering how deep I would have to go. I wouldn’t actually do it I don’t think. But sometimes I scare myself...

[Jason_16]

These are normal feeling for someone who is depressed I get period of just feeling so low that I imagine my death but then I get rooted back to relality and im like oh id never do that. Its important to remember that thoughts lead to actions so maybe talk to a therapist or get medication to help you mangage yourself. I also do things to help me snap out of my moods like working out or watching a funny show

[Genuinearies04 in reply to Jason_16]

I’m going to tell my psychiatrist about the episode but I’m really worried about her increasing the dosage on my medication. I don’t want it to be a bad turnout

[Jason_16 in reply to Genuinearies04]

It wont be bad generally they can take you off it slowly and you will be ok. Have faith and patiences everything will work out for the best.

[Yosemitelover]

[Trigger warning !!!!]

Thanks for sharing, I’m going through something similar. I was doing okay today until I got triggered by feeling rejected by someone I reached out to and respect. That spiraled into feeling worthless and so much negative self talk along with crying. I also tried to self harm with a knife (it didn’t work, that in itself was a what am I doing moment). Then another panic episode with SI, I am so tired of crying and feeling like this. I see a therapist and am hoping my PCP will give me something to level my mood. It’s hard/scary when you are stuck and normal that your brain goes to suicide as a means to cope. Do you have the ability to take time off from work to rest and reset a little?

[Genuinearies04 in reply to Yosemitelover]

It is very scary! I’m moving away back to the place where my college is located and I’m so scared of how I’m going to cope with all the stress.. and Sadly, no I don’t I am considered a essential worker during this pandemic. And the company I work doesn’t see mental health being a reason to take off of work.

[Hidden]

(TRIGGER WARNING)

Hi. I have been battling suicidal thoughts and actions of self-harm these last few months. I did it again this last week bc I was just feeling really overwhelmed. It was a rough week with continuous panic attacks related to car trouble, spending time with my toxic sister who was verbally abusing everyone around her. I used to live with her, so that was my day to day and I managed it better then than I do now that I am not exposed to it as frequently. I was sick for 2 days after spending 6-7 hours with her; I’m also an empath so I absorb energy, and she had me feeling like I needed to walk on eggshells all day long bc she didn’t say a single positive thing in the entire time I was there to anyone. She literally verbally assaulted her husband because he asked for tea, and he has a history of being violent so I was really afraid of what might happen if I wasn’t there if she pushes him too far.

I ended up having a severe breakdown on Thursday because of how bad my stress was, and I basically told a friend of mine (who has since distanced himself from me and told me he was sure that I had gone through with a suicide attempt over the weekend) that I was a spawn of the devil and have forsaken any belief in the benevolence of the Universe. I even called my own mother and ended up telling her how God cannot exist if my suffering has been prolonged for so long.

Thankfully, I had requested Friday off weeks in advance, and I took that time entirely to myself. My phone was off, I was dead to the world. I spent all day nurturing myself, but then at 9:30pm my sister arrived at my door demanding to be let in. Our mom who is 74 and hard of hearing was worried and sent my sister over to check on me bc mom didn’t hear me the day before when I told her I was off work and would be off limits. My sister arrived right as I was in the middle of a sacred healing practice for myself (I’m a witch and it was a holiday, so I was doing something personal). Literally the first words out of her mouth to me were “I HAD THE WORST DAY TODAY!” and then she started complaining about things that went wrong and she pulled me into a bear hug, not because I wanted to be touched and said it was okay, but because she needed it. I told her we were supposed to be practicing social distancing, and she said “WHATEVER, It’s not like I kissed you!” I was deeply upset that she came into my space in the middle of my practice and completely disrespecting my need for personal space and the fact that I did not want a hug.

Anyway, she left after she saw that I was okay. I called both my mom and sister the next day and reestablished boundaries about being off limits on my days off, and I’m proud of myself for not absorbing my sister’s crap that she spilled over when she came over. The day off did me A LOT of good and lead to a really good, productive weekend as well. So, definitely do take the time to do something just for yourself when you need to. It helps so much, and seek help if you are struggling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Honoring myself on my day off helped infuse me with enough self-love to deflect negativity; I’m still struggling with my beliefs in God and hope at the time, but one step at a time.

[Genuinearies04 in reply to Hidden]

Personal space is definitely needed! Lately I have been feeling like I haven’t took a break. Between classes, working third shift, and also trying to do things during the day keeps me so busy that I haven’t had to to just do something for ME! Thanks for the advice

[LittleBlu]

Find someone to talk too. I know that's hard to do but it helps. I still have trouble talking to people about my problems. I talked to someone that I knew and told her everything, she didn't judge and it felt so freeing. If you don't have anyone to talk too; I'm here and I've gone through these very same things before.

<3

[Genuinearies04 in reply to LittleBlu]

I have a list of 3 people that I am supposed to call when I have a episode. Sadly, I don’t want to tell them about them because 1. They are family members and 2. I’m afraid that they’ll send me back to mental health ward i was in. I have a friend that I do vent to a lot. And she’s going through similar things also. Also, I read in your bio that you’re 19, I am too, are you in college?