Panic attacks and all that jazz

[secrets22]

I am really struggling to keep going,and i cannot cope with all the pressure i'm under,i go from one crises to another,and i am doing the most stupid things,like making wrong decisions because i dont think things through,i jump into situations and quickly regret it when its to late,i waste money,and i cant even say my recent mistake because i am so embarrassed.,i am actually furious with myself,unfortunately when one is at a low ebb,we do make so many mistakes,and we get taken advantage of.

I have been taken for a ride,talked into things,regretted much,and yet before my partner died i coped extremely well,but now i am a shadow of my former self,i am nervous,i am scared,i am afraid of upsetting anyone,and i feel everything is against me,which in fact it is.

I was obsessively house proud,but now i seem to live in a shambles, but now i cant get motivated to change it,and i am ashamed of myself.

Each day i am confronted with so much to deal with,and i cant delegate as only i am able to be responsible for personal issues.

I really dont want to be here,enough is enough,life has become untenable.

In so many ways i am extremely fortunate,but that does not help me one bit,being alone and aloneness is the hardest thing in the world.

It is now the weekend, when before there was always something on,but now i have no wish to mingle,home is my refuge.

I do think Virus19 has changed our lives so much,and it has changed us as individuals,I was always outgoing and the funster,but no more.

The life that i had is all that i had,but now that life has been torn away.

[MsAlice]

Hello Secrets22,I connect so much to what you are sharing. I remember a particular birthday when I was asked how I felt about turning a year older. I replied, "Good. I'm year farther away from this stupid thing I did." It was an act that could be weaponized and used against me any time someone wanted to hurt me. So I realized the only way to shift the power from it to me was to own it. I vowed if it was brought up to me, kindly or viscously, I would speak to it. I would open myself up to shame, embarrassment, rejection, stand fully seen and tolerate it. Since then, I began practicing accountability. Anytime I was not the person I wanted to be, big or small, I spoke to it. Guess what that lead to? Forgiveness and acceptance. There is no way to make sense out of some of the dumb-ass things I did. But it could be worse; I can do better, and time does cure all. You are right. When we are weak we can make bad decisions. I learned a technique of pre-decisions. Another person lead me to write down what to avoid and what to do when I receive feedback that I am in a low ebb. This feedback may come from within myself or through shit going wrong around me. Either way, I pull out that list and abide by the boundaries and actions on it until the ebb shifts.

I also connect with your pause on being the funster. Being the life of the party avoids being alone, quiets the inner dialogue of shame, and meets the legitimate need of blowing off some stress. Maybe you are in a phase of change. Maybe home, your refuge, is your cocoon and a beautiful set of wings awaits you. I don't know. But what I do know, is you will not always feel the way you do right now. Please, be patient.

Hugs,

Alice

[Hidden in reply to MsAlice]

Point is you can be extremely fortunate with everything you want when you want it and still feel depressed as depression doesn't discriminate in what you have or don't have.

[secrets22 in reply to MsAlice]

thankyou so much for your positive and helpful comments.x

[Hidden]

Thing is being fortunate isn't the point here as depression doesn't care about what you have or don't have and can strike anyone at any time!

How are the dogs coping with the heat?

Baby is getting hot under her fancy collar with her constant bad tempered meows over the heat!

[secrets22 in reply to Hidden]

oh Catgirl.....the dogs struggle with the heat and so do i,but they are very well,thankyou for asking.x

[EndUser13]

😔

You cannot (and should not) take all of life on at once. Break it down into manageable bits. Rather than beating yourself up for not achieving what you wish you had, give yourself credit for what you DO accomplish. Take small steps, one after another it'll build up, and eventually, you'll find a sense of accomplishment in what you have achieved.

You are not running a race and as overwhelmed as you may feel, it's important to be kind to yourself. Focus on a problem long enough for it to be solved (or realize that's not going to happen right now) and move on. If you are angry and critical of yourself your goals will seem harder to achieve. You have to be fair, not overly critical. I've noticed that anxious people tend to be more empathic and harder on themselves than most.

One thing I do daily that I find helps is to name about 5 things I am appreciative of in life. They don't need to be amazing, huge things, just something I am grateful for that improves my quality of life. When I began doing this is seemed trite and a bit hollow at times but I truly believe gratitude is an essential part of being happy in life.

[secrets22 in reply to EndUser13]

thankyou so much,very kind.

[Wiganladlovesapie]

Hi. I’m Andy.

Firstly I am so very sorry to hear about your situation. You are in the right place and talking is a really positive step. You may not think so but it’s huge.

Hear me out with this next bit.

When the wheels on your car feel like they are loose, a bit wobbly, or they are going to drop off! we always stop. We get out and have a really good look and take it to be looked over and repaired. Same with our health. You have to stop. Go and get the help that you desperately need.

Everything is piled high on your shoulders. Once you coped, great for a while but now the weight is to heavy.

It is way too much for one person. You are drowning. You are in the middle of the ocean with both hands up to the sky screaming for HELP!!

When you say that you don’t want to be here, then it’s time to get the help now. Start with a helpline. The Samaritans are a wonderful organisation. Wherever you are in the world please reach out.

Talk to your g.p. Tell your story and get help.

Feel free to contact me also.

Take good care of yourself.

Andy. Thank

[secrets22 in reply to Wiganladlovesapie]

Andy ,thankyou so much for your thoughtfulness and kindness.

[Wiganladlovesapie in reply to secrets22]

You are so very welcome my friend. You are not alone ok. I care. We care.

[secrets22 in reply to Wiganladlovesapie]

i have to say i do love your name......and Roddy here in Somerset also loves a pie.

[Dorsey]

Hi can totally relaste as i am in the same boat as you. Lost my partner 10 weeks ago and like you everything is on t op of me. Anxiety through the roof to the point i feel so ill i keep wanting to ring an ambulance. Don't know what the answer is we caan only hope things get better. Take care of yourself.X

[secrets22 in reply to Dorsey]

oh Dorsey,my heart goes out to you,and only 10 weeks ago means its still very raw. Its now 20 months since my partner David died and if anything i'm not doing to good.

[Dorsey]

So sorry for your loss too. Just doesn't seem to get any easier and people just expect us to get on with it. Very hard in your own with family 3 t o 4 hrs away. We did a seachange 3 years ago i didnt want to but he did . Always knew something like this would happen. I was right. No friends here i do not see a sole. Just wis h i could go to sleep and never see another day would be a blessing. I barely get out of bed these days sad really.XX

[SplashDown]

One thing I noticed is that you mentioned that your partner died. Grieving is very complex, especially inside and around everything else RE high anxiety and depression. It is overwhelming. Have you tried a group or therapy focusing on the grieving? Sending warmth and light....

[secrets22 in reply to SplashDown]

thank you so much,yes my partner did die and its been a difficult 20 months. No i have not done group therapy ,i would if i could,but due to an accident i am very much stuck at home,however i do have an online hour every week with a phycologist which has been very good.