Unable to Move Forward

[Furcrazy]

I was married to my highschool sweatheart for 25 years, we were together almost 30. We have 2 great kids both adults now. I found out he was cheating on me, I think it had been going on much longer than I knew. I really never thought it was true, in hindsight there were many red flags. Some mutual friends were aware this was happening and kept quiet. I have suffered with severe depression issues for 30 years the marriage ended 10 years ago. I still have unresolved feelings about all of it as he never once apologized for cheating on me and his kids and destroying our family. I lost everything, my house, my kids as they went to live with him because we had no house anymore. I was a stay-at-home mom and he was a self-employed contractor. I was left with nothing and the divorce was bitter. I was granted alimony but he never paid a dime of it and the courts did nothing. 10 years has passed I am happily remarried but I still have huge resentment for my ex. I went through Hell for 3 years after we split, no home, my kids weren't associating with me and I developed severe anxiety disorder that I still struggle with today. I have been to therapists that never did anything for me and I have run the spectrum of antidepressants. I want to remember the good in that marriage it was 30 years of my life. I seem to be hung up on it still, he never once apologized to me for cheating and I think that is why I cant seem to close that chapter and move forward with my present life. I have tried so many things and sometimes I slip and call my husband my prior husband's name. It seems he has moved on, he has had several relationships and feels no remorse or guilt about how our life together ended. Why can't I?

[Hidden]

First you have to realize that you can’t blame your self. It is over let it go. Be mad. Get a dammit doll and slam it slam it slam it. You need to know YOU are a great person and your ex is not worthy of your time or thoughts. He will get his. What goes around comes around. I am a true believer in that. And pray for him. God will convict the sinner that destroyed your family. He won’t be able to sleep when God convicts him.

[Furcrazy in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Zanetinkerbell. I know that while I am not totally blameless as there had to be some reason he felt the need to cheat on me and his family. I am the one who ended it. I think he would have continued to live his double life. I did everything at home, he would show up to eat, shower and get clean clothes and go to work. In my mind it was my job to take care of everything since he was making the money and he never missed a chance to tell me that he made the money. Unfortunately the kids saw me as the one who broke up the family, they were teenagers and I thought they would understand. I am good with my kids now but it has been a rough road, they have very little contact with their father. I guess in my mind I wanted him to hurt the way he hurt me and I never felt that he had any remorse or guilt. I think that is why I am having such a hard time moving on because he never apologized for any of it, if he had I think I could have closed that chapter and moved on. He lived very well after he moved out with the kids and I really struggled for years as I had no job or education to get a decent job. I know I would be happier to forget him and live my life it was just such a huge part of my life that he was part of. Of course there were good times and everytime I look back on a family vacation or holidays it involved him.. I am 53, so 30 of those years were with him, I don't want to forget my past because it was my kid's childhood and my mom who passed 3 years ago. I am trying to forget him but he pops back into my head almost every day and he doesn't deserve that space but it is not something I can control.

[Afrohair]

The first thing you have to do to keep sanity is acceptance -you must accept that your ex has no desire to apologise and sometimes people don’t apologise especially if they feel they have done nothing wrong the relationship may have been failing before the affair that’s not to say what he did was right but he Dosent feel like he should apologise you must .you say you lost your kids but became a stay at home mum ??sometimes courts also do nothing ive suffered a bad relationship with children and a marriage and have never received a dime and only lost money .when thoughts of your bad past arise you have to dismiss those as they are no longer relevant and more damaging it Dosent sound nice you calling your partner your ex’s name I think my partner would be really hurt if I did that to the point he probably won’t speak to me .hes not going to feel remorse he would probably act like nothing happened if he were to see you again please move on

[Jeff1943]

You are allowed to accept what has happened. I think you haven't been. I think it's time to fully accept now.

People change as they age, your husband towards the end of your marriage was not the same man that you were happy with in earlier years. So you can still have happy memories of the good years without his later disloyalty casting a shadow over the happy days.

He has never said sorry, would it really make that much difference if he did? For the sake if your future happiness and for the sake of your new marriage it is time to consign your first husband to the dustbin of your memories.

Fortune has smiled on you, you have found somebody else to share your life with. Many don't.

You are allowed to let go of the past, you cannot live there any more. Life lies ahead. I wish you well.

[JkBauer]

I am sorry for the hurt you have had to go through. I remember a very ugly time in my life with a distant family member. I was afraid, I was hurt, I was bullied and threatened. I held a grudge against him for over 30 years. Then- I heard a radio program about forgiveness towards those circumstances in your life that have control over you. You just can't seem to move on. I thought about that. I decided to give it a try; I wrote a letter, it took me over a week to write it. I wrote everything and anything that came to my mind. I wrote out my anger and frustration, then wrote how he has no control over my life anymore, I am free from his bondage, I wrote how I felt sorry for him and that I forgive him for the awful things he did to hurt me. - When I truly wrote those words "I forgive you" I felt this freedom from his bondage. Anyway, I finished writing the letter and I mailed it to him. (You can mail yours or watch it burn or whatever you want to do with it to help remove that bondage.)

[Furcrazy]

Thank you for all of your responses I have really taken them to heart. I am going to try writing a letter not sure if I will mail it or not but writing words on paper may help me to accept it and focus on my future. I have struggled with this for over 10 years, time I will never get back I don't want to waste anymore time trying to figure out why things turned out the way they did. I think Jeff1943 really nailed it when he said that we were not the same people that fell in love in highschool somewhere along the way we grew in different directions. I wish we could have recognized that and handled things differently. No more regrets.