Bad relationship during pregnancy causing detrimental depression

[Kneedsu]

Hi all, I am new here and would appreciate any advice to hero me feel better.

I got pregnant by my 10 year bf.

He's not sure about whether or not he wants to be with me and keep baby.

I recently set up an abortion date because I said i don't think we were going to work out but he insisted I cancel and not go through, so we didn't.

He asked for more time to reflect. We found out in March 2018. 1st abortion date was may 8th.

Our 10 year anniversary was May 16. Instead of celebrating we got into a big argument the day before about him going to Vegas this week may 18th till 21st. I just finished all my school finals.

He left today to Vegas and now I'm stuck stressing thinking about the shit he's going to do etc. He's going with people I don't know. He's 29 years old and going to the EDC party as well.

Help me not think about him or what he's going to do. I hate him. I should've been strong but i wasn't and now I'm stuck. I just want to sleep in peace and not think about him but the minute I close/open my eyes, my brain goes haywire and the only thing I think about is him and the pain he's putting me through. Please help me.

[fauxartist]

Sorry Kneedsu your going through so much. I'd have to say that it sounds like a love hate relationship which is just always a hard road. It never really gets better, we cannot control people places or things...If you don't mind, I will give you my personal input being a kid from a ruff childhood. These are the things that would have changed my life if my mother would have been able to provide for me...I had no father growing up, and what you don't know you don't miss....other's may think otherwise...but it made o difference to me.

It sounds like he's living his life the way he wants to, so too should you live your life. You've made the choice to have this baby, and I hope you will work out arrangements so that this child can grow up in as stable a home environment you can give to them. Kids need consistency and nurturing from the get go, it's important in these first few years of their lives, it's what helps them to feel secure, and confident. Now that your going through with this pregnancy you also need to make some tuff choices for both yours and the babies welfare. If the boyfriend can't decide what he really wants to commit to around you and this baby....then you need to take charge of your own destiny....you cannot depend on anyone but yourself. I would ask him for financial input towards his child, but you take charge of everything else for your own peace of mind.

[Kneedsu in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you fauxartist. I just wish there was an easy way to just forget everything so that I can concentrate on taking care of this child and me solely. I want to have this child but I'm too scared that I will not be stable. I know I wouldn't be able to because of my selfish desires and needs for the love from the father. Therefore, I've set another abortion date for the 27th of this month but it's not guaranteed because I'm a little too close to their cutoff date. But doctors still want me to go in just incase. I'm afraid to do it and I'm afraid about the aftermath. I don't want to come out from this for the rest of my life. I know I will be sad and hurt both emotionally and physically with whatever decision I make but I just wanted a happy ending. Why is life so unfair? Why couldn't i just have a normal happy ending? I mean I'm not a bad or good person but I try. I love humanity and the world. I want to find ways to help the world become a better place. I love kids. Now I can't concentrate on any of the things I want to do. Do you think I'll get back to myself if I go through with the abortion? Will I ever be the same again?

[fauxartist in reply to Kneedsu]

You know what honey....nobody has the right to judge anyone, especially a women and what she chooses to do with her body. Please don't get sucked into all of that religious guilt tripping...or any other crap about this very painful and deeply personal choice you have to make in your life.... this is traumatic...it's painful....and the last thing you need is to be guilt tripped about it. I would talk to a therapist, doctor, and anyone else you trust, but limit your exposure around this.

It does stay with you, but know that at this time in your life, saying that you don't feel emotionally stable enough to raise this baby, is possibly saving both of you from a horrifically difficult ordeal. There are a lot others that will say the opposite, and I'm sure they will be banging the drums over this topic. But it's your decision.

I can't tell you how many times I wish my mother never had me, or gave me up for adoption. I am not in any way comparing your situation to mine, yours is unique to you only. My mother was emotionally unavailable, abusive, she was and is a very sick person mentally, and should have never had kids. All of us are screwed up to one degree or another because of it. And after decades of therapy and meds...I am just now seeing some recovery from my childhood.

I am only just now in my sixties, somewhat happy to be alive...most days...I am and always will till the day I'm in the dirt bare these scars inside..they never completely go away.

Be kind to yourself...get some help...and I don't care what anyone else says, I support you to make the best choice for yourself and this baby.

[Kneedsu in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you! For understanding. It really means a lot. I cannot even fathom the feelings or thoughts that go through your mind about your situation. I admire your courage and am grateful for your honest words. I wish you nothing but the best.

[Hidden]

I completely understand the way you feel. My daughter's dad was never in her life/has never even seen her (his choice.) I chose adoption. I am a birth mother. Just so you know, this is another option. If you have ANY doubts about raising your baby (possibly alone) I would recommend thinking about it. However, I do understand that it is not the right choice for everyone. I know you love your baby, incredibly but parenting takes more than love. It takes stability: emotional, physical and psychological. If you need the name of a good agency, I can recommend one. Please know that I am not trying to sway you, I am just making sure that you are aware of all your options. You can have an open or closed adoption. That being said, should you decide to keep your baby, you will have LOTS of help available from the government and other places, (support, etc) even if raising your baby alone. As for your bf, you ARE strong, you just do not realize it. You are so STRONG to be able to face all this, to forego the abortion (I know it is hard and you are probably having mixed feelings), AND to reach out for help. Please know that pregnancy does affect your moods and emotions and that may be some of what you are feeling right now. As for your situation, you need to find the small ways in which you can take control of the situation, and, (I know how hard this is) but try to ONLY worry about what you have control over. And start ACTION in those areas. Your bf is probably having mixed feelings and there is no telling how he will react in the future. It probably depends on where he is in his life and his maturity level. You need lots of support right now and if he is unwilling to do that, then please find others who will support you. Whatever you do, remember not to let anyone else tell YOU what to do. This is your life and now it is your baby's life that you are making decisions for. And I wholeheartedly believe that you will make the RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOU and your baby! Remember that what is right for others may not be right for you. Each situation is different. Try to make an informed choice, as in, what are the pros and cons of EACH decision? I know that many places on the internet can help you navigate your feelings through this difficult time, Just type in "pregnant and confused" and you should find lots of support. I wish the best to you, please reach out anytime. ; )

[Kneedsu in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Diviny123. I have done multiple research about all my options and as of right now I really believe that the abortion is the only way i don't hurt anyone else but myself. But I would definitely love to find more professional help. So if you can message me the places it would help a lot. Thank you!

[Hidden in reply to Kneedsu]

Hello, Kneedsu, Thank you for writing! If you have done your research and still feel that abortion is best, please know that there is LOTS of support for you, including here. Please also know that that there are NO "right" or "wrong" choices, there are only different ones! You will always have a friendship here FREE of judgment. WHATEVER you decide to do is what is best. I have a strong spiritual (but not religious whatsoever) belief system and I believe that sometimes some of us start to come into the world at the wrong time. And perhaps this is not the right time for you or your baby. Do not let anyone tell you that your choice is wrong. It is not. It is only what is supposed to happen NOW. The key here is that you have lots of support. Know that there will always be people here for you navigating you through your journey after your decision. I have pm'd you some links. I wish the best for you!

[01harley]

Hi, I don't know if this will help you, I sure don't want to say anything hurtful. I was adopted when I was 3 days old, I didn't know till I was 9. My aunt let it slip. I was crushed. But as time went on. The question in my mind was why me why give me away. Later on in life I came in contact with my birth family. A brother and 4 sisters. And a grandmother who answered all my questions and put my mind at ease. She did want me but wasn't stable. She wanted me to have all the things she couldn't give me. I've met all of my birth family but my mother. I did attend her funeral with my mom by my side. I thank God every day for her having the strength to let me go. Adoption is another way to go. I just thought I'd share that. I pray you will find some piece of mind. This group is great to talk to. 01harley

[fauxartist in reply to 01harley]

I'm glad your finding your birth family worked out well for you 01harley...sometimes it does not...and when it doesn't work out so well when a birth parent wants nothing to do with you, as was the case with who ever the guy was that was my so called father, it can add equally disappointing devastation emotionally finding out your unwanted or adopted. The people I know who were abandoned by a parent also, or adopted, had both results...you just don't know...it's as difficult not knowing as much as it can be knowing....

[01harley in reply to fauxartist]

That's so true. I had so many questions that were eating me up inside. After I seen them and my questions were answered, I was so grateful that she let me go. I loved my parents so much and appreciated them so much more. I think every situation is different. Some want to know and some don't I still to this day do not know who my father was. Just new he left her. So figured he wasn't a very good person. I meant no harm telling my story, just there are options. There are couples out there that ache for a child they themselves can't have. If I hurt feelings, I am very very sorry.

[01harley in reply to fauxartist]

Fauxartist, did what I say offend you in any way? It was meant to hurt no one. I am 61 and I'm not here to hurt feelings. I am truly sorry if I did.

[fauxartist in reply to 01harley]

No!....not at all 01harley....I totally appreciated that you had a good result...omg if I only had had the same experience when I met a long lost brother from my mothers first marriage, I had not seen for 18 years of my life,...he was a jerk...I just didn't like him...he was everything I was not, but my other brother just a couple years younger than him...well, we are two peas in a pod....didn't grow up together but you would swear we did. Even our birthdays are 3 days apart... I too never knew my father...he left my mother when she told him she was pregnant with me... so I just wanted to say that both situations can happen....good and bad. Both of us 01harley had good and bad from our encounters...and it's good to let everyone know if they are thinking of finding a birth parent or long lost relatives...be open to anything possible.

[01harley in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you for saying that. I know what it's like to be hurt so I don't want to hurt anyone in anyway. It's good things are ok.

[fauxartist in reply to 01harley]

your very kind honey..and that just goes to show what a good person you are, and I'm glad to know you.