I suddenly lost feelings for the person I loved and planned my future with

[the_r0ad-killer]

Maybe my problem won’t seem that significant to you, but I feel so down these days that I can’t help sharing it here.

So I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together for almost 8 months. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, we are quite different people and we used to have many arguments and bad moments but still we felt happy with each other and I felt that feeling of strong affection beside him. I always wanted to stay close to him, I could talk to him at any time, he was the most interesting person for me. A week ago, we met and spent perfect time together, better than usually, with no arguments, no misunderstandings, I thought that we finally managed to spend a really good time with quality.

However, just the next day, when I went away, I suddenly felt that somehow it seemed as if I didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t want to text him, felt overwhelmed and as if I lost my former interest towards him. It made me feel very scared because just one day ago I felt fully in love with that person and I could never think it could happen to me this way. So I started crying, thinking that everything was lost and something changed inside of me very suddenly and we couldn’t go on with it like that.

It was February the 14th the next day, and we planned to spend an evening together, so he came to my place, but I was so scared and nervous and felt guilty and lost that I told him about my feelings, because we’ve always been fully sincere with each other. He was upset and then we almost broke up, but a bit later we thought that we couldn’t make this kind of decision right now, while I was full of anxiety, fear and total misunderstanding. When he was near me I tried to understand whether I feel some kind of attraction and all the other feelings I normally had to him, but it seemed to me that, well, I still feel comfortable with him, but I don’t feel like I want to touch him a lot or do things I used to do before and I’m not sure whether I want him to be near me now, and when he hugged me I only felt guilt and pain because of that strange and sudden loss of former feelings. I need to mention that it NEVER happened to me before, no matter how low I felt I always wanted this person to be close to me and I never lost my physical attraction.

I was so overwhelmed, so weak and anxious that I didn’t want to exist. I was very afraid of breaking up because it happened so unexpectedly and I thought I couldn’t make that decision because later I’d likely regret it. So I decided to go home and see my family to have some support because I felt like I couldn’t stay on my own. How could it even happen to me, I planned so much with that person, we went through many problems, and then it happened literally out of NOTHING.

Now I’m staying at home and trying to figure it out, but I just can’t. I feel like my boyfriend is amazing and he’s supporting me a lot now, he has no negative feelings towards me because of that and he understands my state and tries to make me feel better. Now I feel like I just appreciate him as a friend, I feel gratitude, guilt and sorrow, because we had such great times together. But I feel like my attitude towards him changed severely and when I talk to him I don’t feel that interest, that desire to have conversations with him, but still I am very afraid of losing him because I got almost no one else here (i’m an immigrant).

I don’t understand what happened to me and my attitude towards my boyfriend, I could never think of losing feeling during our relationship. It happened very spontaneously, out of nothing, after we had a great time together. I feel so afraid and anxious and confused that I cry all the time, I can’t eat and sleep properly, I can’t focus on anything else and I just don’t know what to do and what decision to make. I know that I need some time and pause to think but now it seems to me that it’s likely that nothing will change. I just need to choose something. My mood and thoughts about this change very often, sometimes I think that it’s possible to work it out and we’ll be fine but mostly I think that it’s hopeless and there’s no other way except finishing it.

I am sorry for such a long text but it you’re still reading it I’m very grateful. I’d like to have some advice and maybe explanation on what happened to me and my feelings if you can say something. I also need to mention that i was diagnosed with GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) and light form of BPD (borderline personality disorder).

[Dream6]

I just went through something like this in my last relationship last fall. He was my partner, forever, and best friend. I thought we could get through anything together but then I realized, there can be enough communication but lack of comprehension. And that was a major issue in our relationship. We still till this day get along and our souls are irresistible. However, towards the end of our relationship, I just randomly started to not feel like I was "in love" anymore with my partner. It was a first for me. I was like out of every guy I've dated, I had to losing feelings for the best guy that has ever treated me right- I started to get scared as well. I started to lose drive into the relationship. I realized that I was losing myself and certain aspects of the relationship was not working with me. There was an imbalance between us and my feelings just naturally drifted. I think its normal to feel the way that you are feeling. But my advice is to re evaluate your relationship (what works and what doesn't for you) and also acknowledge yourself whether that being your mental health or anything else. My mental health was a big factor in my last relationship and my partner was no help to it, if anything he made it worse. Continue to communicate with your partner how your feeling and give it time. Time heals and you are your first priority. If you feel like you can't hold yourself in the relationship any longer and you decide to breakup, the absence/split may just be the best thing for you to gain some clarity. It helped a lot for me. And after five months I reconnected with my ex and I feel a lot happier. And I am grateful for my ex even still being supportive and available for me. Not all stories end. But it sounds like your partner deeply cares about you, that fact that he tries to help you. At the end of the day, you have a whole community here and you are not alone. Many of us have experienced this as well, one of them being me. I know it's scary but sometimes people are brought in our lives temporarily for good memories and lessons to grow within ourselves. I know its hard to think so positively when it comes to something like this, but feel free to chat with me. You will be okay. Trust me. ♥️

[the_r0ad-killer in reply to Dream6]

Thank you very much for your support 💜 you can’t even imagine how i appreciate that you cared about my issue and gave me a feedback. It’s extremely important to me right now. However, I would like to ask you about your situation. How did you realise that you were losing feelings for your ex? Was it very suddenly? Or maybe you felt uncomfortable and strange for some time and then realised that something was wrong? Because in my case it was extremely unexpected and random. We spent a very good time together and right before I went to my place we were standing at the station together and hugging, laughing and kissing. Then I just got into the train and a few minutes later those thoughts started coming and I started feeling fear. Right in 10 minutes after we happily said goodbye to each other with love. Then I got home and it turned into an anxiety attack because I felt that way and couldn’t believe it. It happened so suddenly that it made me feel totally terrified…

[LoveforAll41]

Hi r0ad-killer. I am sorry that you are going through this emotional turmoil. Emotions are a heck of a thing.

Anxiety and depression are really really hard to deal with in relationships I think. Luckily I have a wife who is supportive, but you better believe there have been times I wish I didn't have any responsibilities or commitments. Sometimes if the emotion is not there we have to live true to our commitments until they we get back in the right headspace and feel better.

You are not married and may not be so committed, but I would take a really hard look at if your mental health is contributing to these feelings. February 14th may be enough to make you anxious about the relationship enough to trigger something like this where you want to withdraw and have space. With this sudden onset I think it would be really valuable for you to sit in these emotions and see if there is some fear about not measuring up to your expectations in the relationship or some other thinking errors going on here. Whatever the outcome here, take the lessons you learn and grow. I wish you peace and understanding☮️

[the_r0ad-killer in reply to LoveforAll41]

thank you for support ❤️

[Bekindtoyou]

Hi,Having read your post it seems to me that whilst the relationship was full of arguments and fights it helped support those feelings of wanting someone, needing them and what was perceived by that.

The fact that your boyfriend has changed his approach to you is obviously somewhat of a shock and all the previous feelings you had which were born out of conflict have no place here. Here, for you, is unchartered territory and its confusing, different so you don't know how to respond.

I would suggest that firstly you need to identify why you loved/wanted him beforehand, and you need to be brutally honest with yourself and what made the relationship work - has it been influenced by treatment in previous relationships and was that the reason you emigrated?

Next you want to write down what you want in a relationship, and again be brutally honest.

Are/have your feelings for this person been born out of fear of losing a friend and being on your own?

When you have the (honest) answers to these questions you will have a good basis on which to think about your next move.

[the_r0ad-killer in reply to Bekindtoyou]

i would like to thank you for your meaningful response since i felt like i related to it so much ❤️ these questions are extremely hard to answer at the moment because i am so tired, overwhelmed and confused and still can’t get what i consider as truth inside my mind, but anyway i have some time to think about it and figure it out

[Bekindtoyou in reply to the_r0ad-killer]

You're very welcome

[Kinlay]

You may want to consider that depression and/or anxiety could be playing a part in what you are - or are not - feeling. This post sums up some of the possible effects on romantic relationships: psychcentral.com/depression...

Have you shared your emotional/psychological struggles with your boyfriend? Letting him know about all that you are going through may make it easier for him to understand the changes in your feelings and behavior. If it's possible, I would wait to make any final determination on your relationship until you get your psyche in a healthy place. Or possibly ask him if you can take a time out to focus on getting yourself better first. Good luck!