Mom is dying, feeling like life Is ending

[LittleNewportPisces]

My mom might be dying soon. And I'm having to leave tomorrow because I live with my boyfriend, and if I dont go with him I might not have a ride home for a few weeks or so and I dont want to be just stuck out here in case I get overwhelmed or depressed. I feel so much guilt in how I've treated my mom. I came to visit her for 3 or 4 days and the only thing I've done is put her down yell at her and push her away. I feel horrible. I want more time with her. But I'm afraid once I leave I may not ever see her again. And I dont know if I believe in an afterlife. I'm so scares, guilty, worried, full of regret. I wish I had spent more time with her when she wasn't so out of her mind and sick. I miss the old her. I miss the old days. I regret spending more time chasing after love and guys than being with her. I guess I didn't understand the meaning of terminal right away, or believed it. It hurts so bad. I'm scared and dont know what to do. I need real advice. (Update) There's a reason I dont want to stay here without him. You see.. the house they live in is a broken down old trailer, in the middle of nowhere far away from where he lives. I get a lot of ptsd staying here without him, I was raped in this house by my uncle, and abused, and amond many other things. Without him I feel like I'd freak out or have a nervous break down. Plus, I've barely been able to be away from him more than a day since we first got together almost a year ago. I feel like hes my rock and my shelter for when I need someone to hold onto when I feel like the ride is bumpy and scary. I'm a very dependent person because of how my life has been. I have very bad attachment issues, which I think is another reason I dont think I'd survive my mom not being here anymore. I hate change, I'm very scared of losing people, I have bad bad abandonment issues, I forget what its called, mostly kids have it, but its adult attachment disorder. I was raised differently. And not the best. I was raised mostly without my mom around because my mom and dad faught a lot and kicked her out alot when he'd drink. And she was a drug addict. I was in foster care once and defax was involved a lot in my life. I've had bad experiences with relationships because of it. I've almost killed myself over the smallest break ups because I fall in love to easily and all I've ever wanted was for someone to stay and love me and never get tired of me because I feel like I dont deserve anyone and that everyone will eventually leave me and it's my worst fear. I grew up without the typical having a friend or friends. Never had a friend in my entire life that wasn't over the internet... I'm not sure what to do. If I dont stay I might regret it in the long run forever, but if I stay I'd be scared without him here. But he cant stay because he hates it here and that's his only ride home and I promised we'd leave tomorrow. Mothers day is also coming up and I'm terrified. I'm scared. I dont know what to do JahshhdJSNSNSNAHHHHHHSHSBEISNWJDNENWNSONWIEENWONEIDNEIDNEEIENEOENEIENBDIDND........ and my medicaid just expired last month. I dont have a job because of my health problems, I dont have disability because it's very hard to get onto. And I dont have a way of transportation right now. I really want to go to therapy but with what money? I miss my old therapist but it would cost money. I'm scared and dont know what to do or where to go or how or what or who and I DONT KNOW HELP...

[Hidden]

Stay home, if you ever felted you mothers love, before she got sick, you will regret it. You'll find a way to get back home to your boyfriend, if he loves you, he will help you. ❤️

[LittleNewportPisces in reply to Hidden]

There's a reason I dont want to stay here without him. You see.. the house they live in is a broken down old trailer, in the middle of nowhere far away from where he lives. I get a lot of ptsd staying here without him, I was raped in this house by my uncle, and abused, and amond many other things. Without him I feel like I'd freak out or have a nervous break down. Plus, I've barely been able to be away from him more than a day since we first got together almost a year ago. I feel like hes my rock and my shelter for when I need someone to hold onto when I feel like the ride is bumpy and scary. I'm a very dependent person because of how my life has been. I have very bad attachment issues, which I think is another reason I dont think I'd survive my mom not being here anymore. I hate change, I'm very scared of losing people, I have bad bad abandonment issues, I forget what its called, mostly kids have it, but its adult attachment disorder. I was raised differently. And not the best. I was raised mostly without my mom around because my mom and dad faught a lot and kicked her out alot when he'd drink. And she was a drug addict. I was in foster care once and defax was involved a lot in my life. I've had bad experiences with relationships because of it. I've almost killed myself over the smallest break ups because I fall in love to easily and all I've ever wanted was for someone to stay and love me and never get tired of me because I feel like I dont deserve anyone and that everyone will eventually leave me and it's my worst fear. I grew up without the typical having a friend or friends. Never had a friend in my entire life that wasn't over the internet... I'm not sure what to do. If I dont stay I might regret it in the long run forever, but if I stay I'd be scared without him here. But he cant stay because he hates it here and that's his only ride home and I promised we'd leave tomorrow. Mothers day is also coming up and I'm terrified. I'm scared. I dont know what to do JahshhdJSNSNSNAHHHHHHSHSBEISNWJDNENWNSONWIEENWONEIDNEIDNEEIENEOENEIENBDIDND........

[Hidden in reply to LittleNewportPisces]

I don’t know what to tell you, but I do know what PTSD feels like, I have it too, maybe someone else on here will reply to you, I’m sure they will!❤️

[hurtingheart1]

My heart goes out to you(((((((((hugs)))))))))💞💕🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🌸

[PackerGirl]

As someone who has lost a parent to cancer, I would recommend staying as long as you can. Give yourself time to be kinder to your mom, say the things you feel you need to in a gentler manner, be there for her so you don’t add guilt about her passing onto the traumas you’ve already experienced. You only get one chance here, take it so you don’t regret it. The rest of your challenges can be addressed at a later time but I might suggest calling your old therapist and explaining where you’re at right now and see if he/she can assist you via phone until a future date-it’s worth a try. Your boyfriend will help you get back when you’re ready and it may be part of your letting go with your mom to face and “let go” of being in that house in order to be there for her. These are just my thoughts. You’re in a tough position, I wish you well. Check in here anytime!!

[blackcat64013]

You are definitely having a tough time at the moment. I am sure that if you can take some time to plan for today, tomorrow and then next week, the world will seem a better place for you, a whole lot less scary. If you can give priority to what is needed by your mother (if you don't know ask) your mind will be forced to focus on this rather than causing chaos around you. Work out what you want to say to have your thoughts heard and tell people what you need at this difficult time. If you feel your stay is going to time limited, promise that you will stay in touch with your mother. You could even book a time either by phone or Facebook etc which keeps you connected. No matter what happens, you will still be her daughter and girlfriend. Cherish the times ahead and just do the best you can. No need to apologise to anyone here. We are here for you. 💜

[Stan_K]

I know you probably don’t believe in an afterlife, but what you should do is talk to GOD about your current situation. One thing that I know about GOD is that he will always answer you. It may not come right when you’d like him to, but he definitely responds. When you talk to GOD, be sincere. Admit your wrongdoings to him, and pour out to him all of your struggles, ask him for forgiveness, and tell him what you need. Trust me, he’ll answer. I’m so sorry for what you’re having to deal with and for what choices you have to make. I’m about to say a prayer for you and your mom. Please talk to GOD about it. Hopefully you will and hopefully this helps you. GOD BLESS YOU ❤️❤️