Introduce myself: I don't have any hope... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Introduce myself

Nothing_but-pain profile image

I don't have any hope in my life now. I want to. I want to hope this will help. Nothing else I do does. I feel so demoralized when I do breathing... And it doesn't help. I take increasing doses of an antidepressant. It doesn't help. I can't find a doctor to diagnose my chronic horrible pain, let alone help - several have injured me worse.

My husband left me and I had a breakdown. My therapist, who I saw for years and trusted, booted me out (right before virus) -- fabulous timing -- and said I needed to go for therapy to a different location where they could provide more of what I need. Therapist speak for you're to messed up for me. Same time my husband ditto.

So this new location. New therapist. He tells me I depress him.

What am I supposed to do with that?

And he aggressively pressures me to stop having contact with my abusive husband who makes meals for me. And is my only human contact in the whole world.

Do I depress you?

Thank you for listening.

That's all folks...

61 Replies

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Take one day at a time, it will get better.

I thank you. I am trying to get through.

Each one day hurts. Waking with panic and never escaping it hurts.

Hi. The best way as of today is trust God and have faith. xoxo! 😘

I heard you. Thank you.

Job trusted in God. Look where that got him. I have run out of trust. A life of betrayal does that. Matter of fact, I don't trust in ME anymore. Two decades of failing did that.

Nonetheless, I appreciate the "happy"

in reply to Nothing_but-pain

I’m feeling your pain and I’m praying for you. Yes Job was tested by God. But at the end. He returned his health , his work and his good friends to him. Twice fold. Maybe God has led you here , so that you too will overcome the bad stuff and have good friends. Godbless x

Therapist don’t always say the right thing, so I have told mine, then she realizes it was wrong for her to say something like that to me. She was supposed to be there to support me. If you have an abusive husband , please try to have someone else make meals for you. Or try to to make small meals for yourself. There are a lot of meals out there that you can just put them in the microwave oven, or toaster oven❤️

Nothing_but-pain profile image
Nothing_but-pain in reply to

You told your therapist when they said the wrong thing. Any advice what gets said?

I do indeed have an abusive husband. I have no other human contact in my life. I see other people when I get groceries. I am utterly alone in the world. I am dependent on him for HUMAN CONTACT. If you have not lived it, you can not really imagine it.

Even if I could live on only frozen dinners (I can't, digestive issues and trauma), I can not live in these closed walls with no one ever speaking to me except to ask if I want a bag for my groceries. And I can't stand long enough to do many things for myself.

I was one of those people who could never imagine spending any time with an abuser. I tried to leave when I was younger and still well. Life events coerced me otherwise. Financial dependence, no family support, and a police force threatening to arrest you for changing the locks in your home and putting his things outside... well life events force decisions you never want to make. And then it's too late.

I know EVERYONE who is not living it is certain forcing an abuser out is always best. Judge not...

The worse is the voice in my head hating me for deserving this. I couldn't protect myself. "Everyone" knows I should get out, therefore, staying, I must be - worthless, a failure, all the terrible words I have heard forever.

Wow. Did I thank you for your reply? Many thanks. The rant is not at you at all. At me. Always at me.

in reply to Nothing_but-pain

Well I told, when she told me to join a group for people with PTSD. I had done that before, so I told her then why have I been coming to you for this, and paying you all these money. Then she said she was wrong. Also I was abused mentally, and physically by my mother, as my birth family watched on all my life, so I disconnect for my health. My daughter went be with my abusers, not me. She told me they were all toxic to me, including my daughter, so your choice was right. Then another day. What if you daughters sees you again, but still sees them, will you forgive her what’s she done. I said only if she doesn’t see them anymore.Then she apologizes for that, because she told me they were all toxic to me. Things like that, that they tell you one thing, then another thing about the same thing.You are there for them to help you, not take things back, not degrade you, or make you feel worse.❤️

Wow soo sorry this is awful for you to go through😂💞💞💞💕💕🥺❣️❣️❣️I hope for you to get what you need soon and peace in meantime!!!

Thank you for your wonderful kind wishes. I so appreciate the humanity.

Peace in mealtime has fled me for twenty years. Since I was crippled and had to beg for food daily. He "doesn't know how to". And it's my fault. What is? Everything bad. He makes food. Most days. Late. Later. Some days not at all. Always accompanied with resentment. Often with screaming.

In the months after losing my independence and beginning my life with PAIN, I dwindled from a normal-size woman to ninety-something pounds. I saw a skeleton in the mirror. I KNEW I was going to starve to death. Die of hunger.

Add to the list: Trauma. I think about feeding myself - on the days I can get about - and I hyperventilate. I shake. I think I am going to die. So, most days I can't stand. Other days, I can get about a bit, and I am still a failure.

I hate to be blunt but I'd have nothing to do with the abusive husband, purely because he can try to get you sectioned, steer clear of him if you can.

I agree with the other poster about trusting in God but in order to do that you need to have a reason to trust in him, when people look around at what is happening in the world, they don't immediately see a reason but can still see the beauty in what I will refer to as 'design' so questions arise naturally. What went wrong, Paradise to the mess we're in now? Most of us know about Adam and Eve's fall into sin but do not realise that the time from then to now has been one of proving the lie that man can rule himself successfully apart from God. He still has Paradise coming and we are living deep into the end of the last days, search for him while he may be found and the hope will keep you going, it has kept me alive for 33 years. May Jehovah find you if you search for Him.

Hi English_Patient,

I hear you. But...

Have you noticed, when people say they "hate to" do something, they always go ahead and do it, always with good intentions. I KNOW YOU would have "nothing to do with an abusive" man. Why would anyone?

Neither would I - get that - NEITHER WOULD I - if I could find the woman who could stand. She is long gone. Life has conquered her.

Do not think for one minute I want this life I have molded for myself. I have failed so spectacularly at living, I am here now.

I hear you and when all we have known is abuse mixed with affection, it seems that that is better than nothing, I've been there for a long, long time. I have had plenty to do with both abusive men and women since the age of 9 but I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be alone than experience mixed abuse and affection, I am worth more than that, as are you.

The woman that can stand is there but so repressed it feels as though she's gone, well at least that is my take on when they crush us almost to oblivion.

I have just come out of an abusive marriage and although I still love him, I will not let myself be abused by him anymore.

You are a survivor, do not underestimate what it takes to stay in existence in these circumstances.

I'm assuming by the way you've spelt 'molded' that you are from the US??? So maybe they don't have sectioning there. It's when someone reports you to the authorities claiming you are either a danger to yourself or someone else and they forcefully place you in some asylum situation and pump you full of drugs essentially against your will.

I really wish I could give you a safe hug, as one of Jehovah's Witnesses I have come into contact with so many, when going from house to house and I can instantly feel the pain of those that have been through these terrible things and want to hug them all.

As I mentioned, the knowledge that God is going to bring about Paradise conditions on the earth is what has kept me alive for 33 years, in spite of the abusive marriage. I now know a peace that has eluded me for many years and do not want to give it up.

You are one of God's children, he is able to bring comfort and strength where no other can.

Hearing of other women doing what seems terrifying to me strikes me (1) as a humiliation that I am such a failure, and (2) as incredibly inspiring -- a heroine who walks in the real world.

Which comes first changes from day to day, depending.

I wish I had your faith. Truly. Once did. Long stolen from me.

You are not a failure at all, not by any means, you have survived profound personal life trauma and that takes strength, you are already that heroine that walks in the real world, because you have walked in it in spite of all else and continue to walk in it, yes, you. Those that have dealt you this trauma are weak and cowardly and need to try to reduce you to their level. Hold your hand out and stop them, enough is enough.

Seek Jehovah while he may prove to be found, you will find an internal peace that cannot be touched by circumstance. Paradise condition on the earth, no crime, no sickness and death, no corrupt governments, He is the only one powerful enough to cleanse the earth and bring this about. We have a site that you can peruse at your own leisure but I'm not sure whether I'm able to put the address here. It consists of our initials followed by a dot and then the first three letters of organisation. That will probably get deleted.

I wish you well my potential sister to be and here is a safe hug just for you ">----(^_^)----<" Every survivor is a hero and heroine, remember that.

in reply to Nothing_but-pain

Are u in the Uk. Are you entitled to a health worker, carer where you are. To help with your meals etc. meals on wheels ?

Nothing_but-pain profile image
Nothing_but-pain in reply to

Hello fragile (me too),

No. U.S.A.

Wow - you are able to get a health worker in the UK. No such thing here. HMOs do their best to deny you all they can.

I have never been to the UK. I always fantasized about going to Ireland, but I know it will only stay a dream. The Lake Isle of Innisfree haunts me.

Tell me about your home (if you can do so safely). I would love to imagine somewhere far away and beautiful to escape.

What is "sanctioned"?

Hi there. I hear you loud and clear. And I say things that are controversial and one day will likely get banned from this site. I don't care. LEAVE that therapist today. DO NOT go back.

I broke social isolation/distancing and had my massage therapist come over and give me a massage. That is the only true human contact I've had in about a month. It is debilitating trust me. And there are hours I lose all hope. There are moments when I am so frustrated all I can do is cry, and cry.

You say your husband is abusive. I believe you. For someone to make a meal for you: I know that feels nice. You do not say whether you can't make meals for yourself. I know how good it feels for someone to do something for you to make you feel special. IT FEELS SO GOOD. I know the other side. The flash, the flicker in the eye and not knowing when that person is going to tower over you and strike you, or when that person is going to ignore you for days on end and pretend like you don't matter, or when that person is going to belittle your abilities, your wants, your dreams, your desires. Or when that person tells you how stupid and childish (and all the other things) you are... It is those abusive patterns you must know, that's why you say, abusive (and I don't need to know how or what he does). Only you can decide if his abuse is so bad that you need to leave him.

You need a therapist who can help parse out your feelings with regards to what is going on in your life and how you can make a decision to take the steps to achieve the goals that you want in your life.

By the way, I've fallen in love with therapists/counselors, I've hated some of them, stiffed one (I later paid him), morally owe one a bunch of money (technically I don't, however, when I get a windfall, and this is something I truly believe I will get, I will pay him the difference between his regular rate and discounted rate I received), have been fired, have been hounded (because they wanted me to come back), etc. It's all part of this human relationship dance that we do. So the one who booted you, that's okay. This one, it is not okay if you are feeling in such a way to make that statement, "He tells me I depress him." and that you feel pressure from your therapist. I would gather you want to feel some sense of peace and relief. I 100% wish that we weren't in social distancing, because the thing that worked best for me was group therapy and I would recommend that for you. I don't think there is anything wrong with you, except people suck and you are in an abusive relationship you can't think yourself out of. I learned so much in group therapy-- about relationships mostly.

No, you have not depressed me. Take good care today.

Nothing_but-pain profile image
Nothing_but-pain in reply to

Bless you. Bless you. A soul mate? Am I not the only one, alone, floating in emptiness? (I thought "only me".)

Mr. Twain called God "a malign thug". Life had broken him and he knew a thing or two about suffering.

Trust you? I know you intimately. Debilitating is not a big enough word.

in reply to Nothing_but-pain

Nope. You are not alone. We fill up the emptiness as best as we can, the only thing COVID 19 is doing is making it so I can't do the afternoon walks and amplifying the emptiness. Afternoons are excruciatingly lonely and boring. It's not just you.

Nothing_but-pain profile image
Nothing_but-pain in reply to

Hi again aktoortopa

,

Nothing new to say. But Ben comes to mind:

Once I said "I and me"

Now it's us, now it's we

Art imitating life. A rat. A best (only friend). Keep as well as you may. I wish you peace.

in reply to Nothing_but-pain

Oh.. I had to look it up to remember what you are referring to, however, yes... you are right about that echo. In many, many ways it is we. I have the birds these days. I scared the neighborhood cat this morning as I was the only human up and about on foot.... poor thing. He must be in his teens, on the street his whole life (yet he's well fed... plump and cared for by may)... I know he doesn't have much time though. I get a little sad when I see him. I used to be able to call him back to me and now I think his hearing is going. It's okay though, it's the cycle of life and more animals will come along and the cycle goes on and on and on... I hope you have a good day today.

Nothing_but-pain profile image
Nothing_but-pain in reply to

Sorry for being obscure. Trapped in my mind I guess. I think social isolation changes the way you think and communicate. Well, now we are all in that boat.

in reply to Nothing_but-pain

I think people are actually in different boats. I think I'm averaging a face-to-face conversation every 8 or 9 days. Other people get them every other minute. That's different. So, there is isolation, and then there is isolation. I know of people who are not isolating at all (like someone from a dating site wanted to come over today...)...

So lots of us on this site are in the same boat.. yet not everyone.. slightly different.

:-/

Let's do our best to get through this (I say earlier in my day.. in a few hours things might turn into the nightmare that was a week ago...). Have a good day.

Nothing_but-pain profile image
Nothing_but-pain in reply to

I will do my best. I think you are right. Best wishes.

If Twain wrote:

"I do not believe in special providences. I believe that the universe is governed by strict and immutable laws. If one man’s family is swept away by a pestilence and another man’s spared it is only the law working: God is not interfering in that small matter, either against the one man or in favor of the other."

Then he was acknowledging that time and unforeseen occurrence befalls us all Ecclesiastes 9:11 "...because time and unexpected events overtake them all."

God is not to blame.

Nothing_but-pain profile image
Nothing_but-pain in reply to

I did it. You gave me the faith in myself.

Bastard arranged a phone session at 1:30 p.m. and called at noon. I asked him if he knew the time was arranged for 1:30 and he said he thought maybe now would be ok. I said "NO. And what have you done to arrange me seeing a different therapist as I requested?" He said he'd ask his supervisor and call me at noon the next day to tell me the result. At 2:30 p.m. I called him. I asked him if he forgot his commitment to call me. He said "Oh, ya... You'll be getting a call from a new therapist within two to three days. Idiot. I don't know how long I would have just taken his crap if you hadn't been there to push me. This is the last thing I need.

Thank you.

in reply to Nothing_but-pain

I am glad you are feeling empowered to make steps to make your life what you want, and need. You take from this life what you want and need, with all your traits. We are all learning and hopefully growing. Have a great rest of the day.

You don’t depress me ! Sounds like you’re doing the best you can! Especially during virus ! I too have kept a abusive relationship he’s the only one who helps me! After the stay home you and I can work on things!!

porcupine,

If only the best I can wasn't unbearable--I have no choice but to bear it -- pain.

I depress me. You astonish me with your kindness.

Quit beating yourself up you r precious in his sight! God does make junk

Hi. no you don't depress me. It sounds like you're having some bad luck with someone to talk too. Don't give in. Theres plenty of help and people to talk too on this forum. If you ever need just to lay all your troubles down then email me on this site. Always better to talk then keep it all in.

Take care.x

Daveyboy77,

Talking -- and being heard --keeps me sane. It's my forte. Being heard has been absent for as long as I can remember -- that's how living with abuse works.

I need to be here now. But, for me, reading on the internet does not replace human contact. The years of alone have molded me. I hurt.

Thank you for your offer. Unfortunately I do not know how to do that. If you (or someone else) explain, use VERY simple language. Pictures would not be bad. I am not a child of the internet.

Best.

Just reach out. Believe me when I say I know what your going though. I will always be here and so will many people. We are all here for you. Please don't feel you are on your own because your not. Xx

A thought. We have quite a group here. I wonder if I may ask y'all for suggestions how YOU have nurtured yourselves through your own trials.

I am so sick of my failure, time and time again, doing what "should" help. Breathing, body movements... It is demoralizing hearing from therapists, the internet, books, EVERYWHERE what works for others. Why not me?

Well, I do know what doesn't work for me. I am a bibliophile, but Kafka isn't an asset now. If you know what I mean.

I LOVE old movies, but Jeanne d'Arc is not a good choice at the moment. (Old silent.)

If you catch my drift, I would love suggestions. About books, movies, in fact just about anything that works for you -- just know I cannot stand without pain, so that's out.

I can't thank each and every one here enough. I can't believe it, NO NASTIES!!!

Poetry -- reading it, writing it -- has nurtured me since I was a boy.

I also love old movies, particularly those of Alfred Hitchcock.

But poetry is my passion and film an interest. And though I often turn to them for solace, I find music to be most therapeutic.

Would love to hear more about your interests in films and literature.

And welcome to the community, you do not depress me.

I understand that when your hurting it’s really a challenge to find a way beyond that pain. I do meditate and try to stay in touch with my family but what really helps me is my collection of books. My favorite books are usually historical with quite a few about the Middle Ages and poetry. I have become a fan of all of the Outlander books by Diana Gabaldon. Sorry your in so much pain. It can really steal energy and joy. I hope you find a way to cope with it. Stay safe and try to find your happiness.

No... you don’t depress me. I think I know why you ask that question. To me its seems overwhelming to tell someone my true feelings. I don’t want to burden anyone with negative thoughts. But, it’s not healthy to keep all those bad feelings to yourself. It’s ok and safe here to express yourself. Life is hard. Too hard to do it by yourself. Go ahead and let it all out. I am not religious but I send my blessings to you. Janet

Hi Isaelaine3,

I accept your blessings, and right back at ya.

Hello. I would like to help if I can. Are you suffering of depression or anxiety, or both?

Hi MEGL53,

The big D. Panic I wake up to, live to, go to bed to. Literally. Days when I tremble all the hours I am awake.

Help would be great.

So far no one has left any suggestions about how to take care of yourself while you are panicking and severely depressed.

As I said above, what I know to do is not working. Breathing does not help me. Body movements (limited because of crippling pain) does not help.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Upbeat fiction to read / listen to? Movies that are happy? Anything?

Could you get an indoor pet? Caring for animals has been immensely rewarding for me. Perhaps you are unable to, if so, I am sorry to have suggested it. I can recommend a silly podcast that makes me laugh called My Dad Wrote a Porno. Also a cute uplifting book was Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. I recently saw a heart warming documentary on Netflix called Crip Camp about the power of community among crippled individuals. My thoughts are with you.

Hey Depresseddoglover,

Thank you so much for your suggestions - I will try the podcast pronto, but with the libraries closed I'll have to wait on the book. Money situation doesn't allow book purchases or Netflix.

I have a green cheek conure who is all personality - she is convinced she runs things around here, and will promptly discipline me if she doesn't approve. (Bird thing - quick bite to get it out of her system and she is ready to kiss.) I got her covered for bed to late a couple nights ago and my finger still hurts. But I heard "kiss kiss" (perfect imitation of me) seconds later.

I deduce you are a dog lover - clever girl. Is that your pet? What kind?

Break ups are hard. I am not good at living alone, but I empathize with how you feel. I take Cymbalta and Lithium, and I ran out, but I am a veteran, and was able to get it in the mail. With COVID-19, most things are shut down, even my meetings I attended for Alcoholics Anonymous. Keep trying to take your medicine, but also I hope you can get past the darkness of these times. I need to listen more often to therapists as well, but right now, even the VA is not offering groups. Hang in there, this to shall pass.

Hello betrance,

I don't know how I missed your message before (7 days ago!). My brain is so not with it I seem to have holes in the holes. Oops.

Two people not good at living alone. I hear you. Missing a support group you came to rely on sounds sad. Do you call each other?

Does your reference to the VA mean you served in the armed forces? So many returning Vets seem to need help after leaving the service. So sad our country doesn't do more than the pathetic state of the Veteran's hospitals.

I wish for your confidence. Nothing bad passes for me. Only the hopes and dreams. I'm trying this and trying that to survive, but I can't get out of the bad place in which I am mired.

What can I say to make you feel better! I wake up every morning with every joint and bone in my body aching. My anxiety and panic going up moment by moment and then all I can do to even be able to hug my husband in bed is jump in the shower with very very hot water. It calms my aches and my anxiety. I use an organic lavender or any soothing fragrance soap and I close my eyes under the shower and think good thoughts. I even sing softly. I know. It sounds kind of crazy, but I am sick and tired of trying all kinds of medication with no result. So I said to myself... I know me better than anyone else and I will take care of me the best way I can. It works for a while, I cuddle with my husband (we got married February 14. 2020) and go on with my day. No meds other than my blood pressure pill, vitamins and 1 mg Xanax which I cut in half... take one half am and one half pm. We ride our bikes through a path where there is no one around, we go on car rides, not stopping but to get gas, and we listen to music-- oldies, country, latin, any kind that makes us happy. We laugh and joke around a lot and try not to think of all our pains and illnesses. I love cooking for us, we take care of each other. He plays his guitar and I play my keyboard at home. My husband had a quintuple bypass years before we met, and even though he has been checked and is well now, he still has one valve 100% closed, a malignant piece of skin removed and takes 20 pills a day. But, we are in love and happy. Love does miracles...

At the end of the day, the pain is getting worse, but I keep on going. Another hot shower, night meds and ready to watch a movie or read or just enjoy the night together.

That is my life... anxiety, panic attack and body ache has been in my life for more than 20 years, but it has NEVER stopped me from doing what I put my mind to do and being happy.

I wish the best for you. But just remember that you have to love yourself no matter what.

Hugs, M

Crying now. May I allow the great Sammy Cahn's to give voice to what I cannot say:

Each place I go, only the lonely go

Some little small café

The songs I know, only the lonely know

Each melody recalls a love that used to be

The dreams I dream, only the lonely dream

Of lips as warm as May

That hopeless scheme, only the lonely scheme

That soon somewhere you'll find the one that used to care

And you'll recall each fun time

Those picnics at the beach when love was new

It well could be the one time

A hopeless little dream like that comes true

If you find love, hang on to each caress

And never let love go

For when it's gone you'll know the loneliness

The heartbreak only the lonely know

Hi Nothing but pain.

Welcome to this group. I think you will find sincere caring people here who want to support and help. You are not alone.

I wrote you a lengthy reply, lost power, replugged only to find I lost it all.

So I will try again. I am not sure I have any suggestions per se but I do have some things to say to you about therapy.

First of all , I have lived with Major depressive disorder and gen. anxiety plus PTSD for years. I have been in therapy which helped me a great deal and my depression is controlled somewhat by meds. It still breaks through now occasionally. I am older.

I am sorry your therapist “booted you out after years”. That is a trauma and loss for you and an event that no doubt adds to your mental pain. It is not right. If he felt inadequate to help you, he should have taken some responsibility to consult a supervising therapist and learn more. It is his professional duty to do so and not punt you elsewhere.

For your next therapist to say “You depress me” is a ludicrous and absurd thing to say to any patient. How could a professional let himself say such a thing and not keep it to himself and realize that he needed to instead use that feeling to look into why he was feeling that way. That is his responsibility. Feelings get “transferred “ for a reason in therapy. If he doesn’t understand that, you never will either.

This kind of stuff perturbs me because it gives pts. the wrong impression of all therapists . There are some very good, well trained therapists out there.

You do not want to waste your time with people who can not adequately help. I know you have to go through an HMO but try to make it possible for them to give you someone who has more experience. Some professions require years of supervision. Look into the person yourself and meet with them first. Tell your HMO that you want some choice. Look for someone with a clinical license who has been in practice for years. You don’t necessarily need a psychiatrist except to prescribe and supervise meds.

You should be able to check out what training and experience they have on line. Read any articles they have written and look at their websites to try to get some sense of who they are as a person and a professional. Don’t be afraid to voice your concerns about this and explain the situations to your HMO. And I realize that is not the way it usually gets done, but this will be the third person they handed you. It is better to get 3 names and do your research.

Your life is precious and you deserve to be helped. With the right help, you could have a happy fulfilled life eventually. So persevere and have hope for that.

I had two therapists who were worse then inadequate before I found a good professional. I suffered plenty from having those two. It just gave me more trauma to work on, so don’t let that happen to you. This was serious stuff and I was young. It was also just plain bad luck.

I hope nothing I said confused you.

I wish you good luck, and happiness in life. You may have to fight to get well and be happy but I know you can do it ! ❤️

Dear Poodie,

I am deeply touched by your caring, and I appreciate your advice.

It is a miracle for me, sad for you, to find I am not the only one who, in time of need, deals with inadequate (or worse) professionals. I usually feel "What's wrong with me?" when I can't get help. Medical doctors who have injured me, some in that profession who have abused me, therapists who have utterly betrayed me... I don't even want my mind to go there now. The betrayal feels so NOW!

No, nothing you said confused me. But I am not young, my hair has more silver threads than black, and researching therapists bewilders me. (Not sure anyone over twelve can REALLY navigate the internet.) Not even sure I have an option of going elsewhere...

As far as choosing my own therapist, do you mind if I rant? (Rhetorical.)

I am not even sure that option was left open to me. Just as when you are forcibly put into a psychiatric hospital "for your own good", I was left with the impression I could go to the institution to which my old therapist directed me, or do without therapy. I use the word institution deliberately.

This new place, I was told, had more available resources to "help". In Orwell that was called double-think I believe (if memory serves, my memory that was once so sharp is fading). Said resources being 1) you are forced to go to their psychiatrist periodically (even though you have your own with whom you are satisfied) 2) you are interrogated at "therapy" sessions as an inquisitor types on a keyboard (this is now called therapy) and 3) you are told, if you do not wish to continue with a particular therapist that a supervisor will be consulted and will decide if a transfer is warranted 4) you are required to give blood and urine samples. Not locked up -- but only the bars are missing.

Oh, Poodie, even if I had it in me to battle right now (surviving one day is an event), the stamina to persist and persist is denied me. A day or two of bearable (that can't be right -- grizzly? polar?) pain is always followed by worse. A day or two of consideration, a pat on the hand, is always followed by violence and neglect. And then I spend days using everything I have to survive.

Enough.

My heart is touched by the kindness and decency I encounter here, almost without exception. But the world is a big, cruel place.

Your fight is the good fight. I wish you only the best.

Thank you.

It was sad for me to have wasted my time with these people, however I am no longer sad. or vulnerable. If the first was still alive, I would have made am appointment to initiate a discussion with him. He was a mean and arrogant person. He died driving into a tree.

The second one is no longer able to practice because he was thrown out of his profession.

So yes the world can be a cruel place That is why therapy is so important.

What about a teaching hospital that trains analysts or one that provides on going supervision and training. They often operate on a sliding scale basis and are usually in the city. You would be charged what you can afford to pay.

Do you like to read ? There are lots of resources on line where you can learn about circumstances that people find difficult. For example, you could look up controlling spouses, or narcissists, or abuse. Read about the feeling of shame as explained by licensed professional.

Also, regarding your physical pain, you could try having a consult with a physiatrist, or a doctor that specializes in pain management or the treatment of pain.

Good luck. I hope you can find the energy to be proactive. Keep posting on here for help and support. Life and truly good people are well worth the effort.

Take care of yourself. ❤️

Dear Poodie:

Your bravery amazes and inspires me. And your question about reading -- Is a bear a Catholic???!!! My goodness, I never thought of my love for words as a resource to guide me. Why aren't YOU out there helping people in need? I have gotten so much more from you than any of the rote lectures I endure daily at my partial hospitalization.

All the best.

Hi.

All I will say is that I try to lend support and help people on here and I am retired from working.

I too get help from the people here.

Take care.

What are you reading?

My goodness. Well, with my brain barely functional, Beowulf is out. Ha, ha.

Just finished The Godwulf Manuscript, Robert B. Parker's first Spenser. Parker's literate dialogue and smart-ass off-the cuff quotes (poetry, song...) send me.

I am enjoying rereading Saint Odd (Dean R [or no R] Koontz). His simple, clear writing, and admirable all-too human characters inspire me, and exemplify courage to face what life throws at you. (My favorite of his is an old, but a good book, Watchers).

I am listening to a Nero Wolfe audio book in bed at night (don't recall which one, but Some Buried Caesar and The Doorbell Rang are probably my favorites). If you haven't met Mr. Wolfe and his amanuensis, Archie Goodwin, a real treat is in store. Rex Stout is the author. I seem to recall Mr. Stout was an Irregular, for what it's worth.

That's all for now, except the Stout book recalls one of my favorite verses you may enjoy:

I sometimes think that never blows so red

The rose as where some buried Caesar bled;

That every hyacinth the garden wears

Dropt in its lap from some once lovely Head.

The Rubaiyat Of Omar Khayyam - Edward FitzGerald translation

Hi N..b..p.

Thank you. Interesting reads! I liked the poem.

I was actually referring to on line articles on topics that may be helpful to you. You can type in topics and go fish around on line.

Take care.

Oops. Well don't I feel the fool.

I was saving the research up for weekend days.

I am not up to working at night. My pain takes all my attention and fogs my mind. I can play Bubble Dragon (stupid, but passes the time) and Free Cell (I am a fiend), but that's about it. If I can't even do that, I found a free audio book online (Librivox) of The Valley of Fear - one of my favorites.

When I get going, I'll come back and let you know what I turn up. Accountability is a good thing, no?

Today is a bad day, I didn't sleep for two nights and decided, at seven this morning, to skip the hospital today and take a couple sedatives for some kind of sleep at least. They took an hour and a half to do anything, and then only let me sleep for two and a half hours. Well, on the upside, that may be better for tonight's sleep, I sure don't want to miss another night.

No, not to feel foolish ever. I was not very clear. It was meant as a suggestion. I do not want to tell anyone what to do.

It was helpful to me. I got a lot of insight into myself by reading about and mentally connecting with people on line who had been through similar difficulties. Some ideas were novel and made me think more.

I was wishing the same for you if or whenever you do the same. I even emailed two people.

I am still in contact with one and I have valued knowing both. I take what I can get ! I think doing that has saved my life.

Take care. ❤️

Thank you for your encouragement.

Hello! I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I wanted to share something my therapist told me. Since I spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of me, I asked for her help on how to stop this. She said that everyone has their own "truths" about this and that, this person and that person, etc. It helps people make sense of things. So, there are these "truths" others have about you...and then there is the truth that matters, which is our truth about ourselves. The therapist who said you depressed him (so very sorry he said that; I can't even begin to fathom a professional saying something like that!) has his "truth", but not the truth.

I hope this helps somewhat!

Dear Doggymom,

I wonder if I dare call myself "Birdie Mom"? Birds are far less tolerant than any accept-you-as-you-are dog. If you share your home with a bird, YOU are trained to toe the line.

Thank you. My truth. Our truth? and his truth... Yes! Thank you.

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