Hi all, I’m a 57 year old male, happily married for 32 years, 3 grown children, all out on their own and doing well. My problems all started in 1989, I was working a new job, my first out of college. It was the heat of summer and I wasn’t feeling well, not really I’ll, just oddly tired and lithless. My Dr, gave me Prozac. Didn’t know what it was, but didn’t seem to help. He doubled the dose. A month later I woke out of a deep sleep, freaking out! Hallucinating, panicking, vomiting, sweating profusely. Thought I was dyeing. Dr visits proved nothing wrong. Depression/anxiety was final diagnosis. Went back to work and realized the stress made me worse. To the point I couldn’t do it. Knowing I was going to crash and burn with bills to pay, a wife and three small children, I drove myself to a place/hospital for suicidal inpatient treatment. I was admitted. Long story short, I have since been hospitalized 4 times. No attempts just major depression/anxiety for which I knew I needed help NOW. My last hospital was a residential 3 month program that taught DBT, and the shrink there started me on a anti depressant and anti anxiety drug. Once the anxiety was suppressed, it seemed as though I could function again, to some extent. When I was discharged, I changed some of my routines and can no longer work. I suppose I could but my shrink of nearly 30 years has warned against it as most of my breakdowns were associated to work related stressors. This causes me a great deal of inadequacy and embarrassment. I do have a small group of customers(14), that I cut grass and do odd jobs for. I volunteer in the winter, but still have a great deal of self criticism and uneasyness about myself. My depression/anxiety has been in what I call middle ground. Not depths, not happy right in the middle, but not where it should be, depressed mood, anxious, a bit but fluctuates. I recently quit smoking, I’m on that forum too, and it’s been rough, not the quitting, the withdrawal. I cannot distinguish the withdrawal from my disease, anxiety/depression, same thing happens when I’m ill. Well, my Dr and I are still working on the right combo of meds, but have been feeling discouraged as this middle ground has been lasting for about 3 years. Afraid, it won’t get better, afraid of having, at some point to have to stop anti anxiety meds, just looking for similar stories, encouragement and friendship. Thanks for reading, I wrote a book! 😊
Introduce myself to group: Hi all, I’m... - Anxiety and Depre...
Introduce myself to group
Dude I am forty this year and never had a job in my life. I still live with my parents. I can relate to you about the uneasiness and embarrassment about not being able to work. For me it feels as though I live on the outskirts of society. I just wake up and go through the motions of life while I watch the world go by.
I can relate to some extent. I often think if I lived closer to to my mom and dad I would be stronger. I think one main part of my problem started early in life. I was a mamas boy. She lost her first child, so I got mothered to death. Had to be held down in kindergarten to not leave and look for her. I hope good things for you. Thanks for replying.
I am not a mommas boy. I was agoraphobic for fourteen years of my life. If anything my mom would rather I was out of the house. She reminds me daily lol.
Hi King1961 how are you today? I’m trying to take it one day...no actually one little moment at a time. I focus on my breath when I remember.
I feel defeated today although I’ve worked so hard doing laborious work which is a great distraction and great exersice to help combat anxiety but just cannot seem to feel okay.
I can relate to the stress of working triggering breakdowns. I’ve been hospitalized and gone into a crisis house many times as well.
I do what I can and try not to care much about what others are doing and possibly thinking about my life. Even so I feel odd and not enough and I’m trying to figure out why so I can change it. I am also trying to be in the present and practice patience.
But ya know I think maybe we are perfect being how we are right here,right now. Certainty feels nice to consider this.
Blessings to you.
P.s. I love the outdoors too! And have one grown and two younger boys who are my world.
The outdoors has always been my one true love in life, if you know what I mean. Since I was a kid, I fished, hunted, camped and spent a lot of time in the yard and garden. I still work outside a lot and keep my garden growing, but haven’t found the motivation to fish or hunt, two of the things I’ve enjoyed the most. Winter is not something I enjoy. Thanks.
I have always been a nature lover too, running through fields, around animals grazing, the forests...isn’t it funny how our very favorite passions get a bit lost to us like your fishing and hunting?! I used to draw and paint and I barely have the motivation for art any longer.
Thanks, I do find comfort through distraction, wether it’s cooking or cutting grass. I used to exercise straight out of bed and I actually felt decent, haven’t been able to force myself to do it even though I know it helps? Odd? Your on to something with thinking we’re perfect the way we are! I think sometimes when someone experiences depression they look for too much when the depression has lessened. This would tend to keep one from ever feeling or thinking they are better. I often find solace thinking maybe this is as good as it gets? Been a whole lot worse. Thank you, and I also wish blessings to you!
I have been exercising a lot but there are defidently times like you say, when it just isn’t happening, no matter how it may help, which I think is okay because there is a time for everything and a time for breaks from activities.
I hear ya! It’s defidently been worse for me but I push for better and more, yes sometimes we can just simply be, be with what we’ve got. Good point.
Welcome and thanks for sharing your struggles. Wanted to mention to you that having 14 clients makes you a small business owner and you wouldn’t have one client, let alone 14, if you weren’t a trustworthy man who provided great service. You never gave up, your kids are doing well, and you’re happily in a 32 year marriage. So give yourself some credit, those are major achievements. Also, you are honest, self-aware and have clarity and insight into yourself. Stay in the beautiful present moment you have worked so hard for. You are safe and loved. Sure, maybe mentally tortured on occasion, but aren’t we all? 😄 just a little levity. Stay here and vent on those days, and support others on good AND bad days and you’ll see how your hard-won wisdom can liberate others who are struggling through what we have conquered. Funny what you learn from folks here and also about yourself. You’ll find strengths you didn’t know you had, humor and laughter and friendship, a look into the darkness and pain that we all face. We embrace eachothers’ pain here and offer a lot of support through it all. Hope we can rally around you and give you some peace cuz you deserve it.
Your a wonderful light in a dark room. For as few words as I have written, your words would make it seem as though you have known me since childhood! Amazing! If my printer worked I would print your post and hang it on my bathroom mirror to remind me of the truth you have written. Thank you so much. I’m getting my printer fixed. Your very intelligent and I wish you nothing but good!
Many blessings to you my friend. All that I said, you already knew. It’s the wisdom of going through time and pain and seeking refuge in wisdom teachers like Eckhart Tolle who, of all my gurus, exists somehow without ego. Listen to him while in nature. It’s like washing all the torment and cobwebs away under a soothing and pure waterfall. Forest-bathing, have you heard that term? Was able to do that daily for ten years, and I would listen to Eckhart’s talks, and the door opened to peace. Thank you so much for your words. They heal me.
I will surely look him up. Thank you! I have found him on the internet.
thank you, King1961, for sharing your story. I think you are brave and good person and accomplished a lot regardless of your condition, which makes everything is so much harder. and you have 14 clients: it is a lot of work and responsibility. I don't have a job now and don't have any clients, and feel defeated but i am still trying and would not give up...yet. I admire you and i hope you would find comfort and support here. I found it in very bad time of my life and i am getting better now. thank you for being here, we all need to support each other and point out for each other our good qualities which we tend forget or not notice(and it also because of those conditions we have).
Thank you for your kind words. Like you, I will never stop trying, but sometimes it seems as though the harder I fight, the worse it becomes. Sometimes, I just give in to the thought that, this is how it’s gonna be, and I have many things to be grateful for, and it lessens the intensity of this disease. But the thoughts soon return and I do what I can to remain calm and avoid overthinking. Not easy. I am happy your getting better, use the momentum you’ve gained to stay on top of the wave! I wish you nothing but wellness. Thanks for sharing, it helps to realize we are not alone. 😊
Thank you for what you wrote. Yes, acceptance of the situation and limitations sometimes make you feel better, gives you freedom. We need to be able to adjust to what we have and feel grateful. I agree with you on that. Very wise comments. Thank you for your wishes. I am happy that you joined the group and hope it will help you as it helps me.
Hello King1961!
I’m also 57 with 3 grown children, happily married and have been hospitalized several times over the last 30 years. The only difference is that I’m female. My breakdowns have always involved work, I think, because I have always worked and it’s such a big part of our lives. All is magnified during depressive episodes making work and just about everything a huge challenge. You’re probably way stronger than you give yourself credit for. Personally, I would take the leap of faith in finding employment. The benefits of working far outweigh the negative. My Psychiatrist has never suggested that I not work. Really, what’s the worst thing that could happen? You could lose your job and be right back where you are now. No loss! My confidence and self-esteem are always lifted when I’m working and contributing to the household. Don’t let anyone else tell you what you’re capable of...trust yourself! Wishing you the best 🙂🌺🙂
There’s more to the story than just not wanting to work. Other health issues which in combination with work are exacerbated. I’ve never lost a job before and I’m somewhat of a perfectionist, which makes things even worse. My wife is dead set against me returning to work as well. I understand what your saying and wish it was that easy. Thanks for your kind words.
I certainly did not imply that you don’t WANT to work. That’s your spin on the reply, not mine. I was simply sharing our similarities and my feelings towards working. There’s more to my story too. Believe me, it’s not at all easy for me or anyone else with mental illness. I also have multiple physical problems that exacerbate my life in general, not just work. I do hate that you were offended. I was just sharing my thoughts about your post and how I choose to step out of my comfort zone to experience life to the fullest possible extent. I guess I thought it might be encouraging...
I’m sorry, I was not offended at all and appreciate your encouragement. Not working does make me feel broken, and that does add to my issues. If going back was an option, I would explore it, for now, it’s not an option. I do work 5 days a week, if it doesn’t rain. On my own terms, at my own times, and when my physical health allows. During those times that I am working, I feel good, distracted, involved and contribute to the family. Your right in so many ways. If I was able I would. I get panicked a bit thinking about it, then depressed as a after effect. There were details, I don’t care to share, surrounding my last breakdown. Between them and one chronic physical disease, I don’t think it would be a healthier choice than where I’m at now. I hope this makes sense, no worries, I was not offended, I don’t take offense easily. 😊
Welcome to the group! Reading this made me feel the need to tell you that it’s not your fault whatsoever! You’re worth a great deal! By telling your story you are creating a way for people to relate and give words of encouragement but most importantly understand! I hope you are not so hard on yourself! I understand and embrace you 
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