Just to explain myself

[Scatteredtulips]

I am incredibly insecure, this stems from childhood trauma which I’m partially fearful to post on this platform as a worry of me being outed. What came of this trauma was a lack of trust, a fear of being used by everyone, no self worth, self doubt, no confidence, and a hatred of myself.

I am in one of the most loving relationships I could ever imagine...never met someone who feels the exact opposite way and thinks the opposite way about me. He sees nothing but good and beauty and amazing in me. Treats me so good and deals with all my issues.

But there is a limit to that. Dealing with all my issues and me when I’m in my head, or overreacting or overthinking or being insecure, it takes a toll on him... Stresses him, makes him worry, bothers him, aggravates him. All of that stuff.

I am just so in love and so insecure. I’m not stuck in my old ways and never wanting to get out of them, I’m stuck in my old ways and craving to escape them.

I need to know how to stop this or work on it. How can I stop fucking my life up, risking my happiness? I want to love myself. I want confidence. I want good from myself. What can I do to fix that and help myself?

I need to stop this constant suffering...I need to stop all this hate

[SunIsShining]

I have some self esteem prompts for everyday, they help

[Scatteredtulips in reply to SunIsShining]

Anywhere particular you get them from??

[SunIsShining in reply to Scatteredtulips]

My counselor but it’s just a little sheet that I can send you

[SunIsShining in reply to Scatteredtulips]

I couldn’t post a picture so here’s a link therapistaid.com/images/con...

[Scatteredtulips in reply to SunIsShining]

I love it..thank you <3

[SunIsShining in reply to Scatteredtulips]

I hope it helps! 😊

[mj780]

I think the good thing is that you want to change the situation you're in right now. As someone who's faced some childhood trauma on my part, I feel insecure too. I feel a deep attachment to people making my insecurites even worse. I also sometimes find it hard to see what people find good in me. Stuck in those situations, I blame myself for not being happy with what I have and even feel like I don't deserve anyof it. But a friend of mine once said to me that nobody will love you unless you love yourself. I know it sounds corny but it's true. The past memories of being bullied keep coming back to me as I try to think of anything that's good in me. But taking some steps has helped like just listing things that you think are good about you. I know it can be hard so you could start by asking friends what they appreciate about you. I also keep a journal to list three things everyday that I'm grateful for. And that has helped to find my calm. Trust me we're so much better than what we had to got through. Hope that helps.

[Scatteredtulips in reply to mj780]

This was really helpful. Thank you for sharing and being there for me

[Here4You00]

Childhood trauma, no matter what is was more times then none, will effect you in adult hood for sure. I think it’s good and in the right step that your acknowledging the specific things that you are lacking because of the trauma, that way you know what to work on.

Take it one day at a time. My husband and i go through this same thing. He’s amazing & so patient but i constantly feel like all of my mental issues & lack of self love does nothing but bring him down.

But think about this.... these men are sticking around despite our constant issues, worrying, mood swings, overthinking, overreacting.. etc.

They see something in us that we struggle to find.

Here’s some things i do when i feel the way your feeling-

•Remind myself that even though life has kicked my ass every chance it gets? you are still here. Your still fighting & even if you are constantly fighting with yourself.. NEVER GIVE UP.

• Talk to him about your feelings and let him know whenever you feel like your having a bad day mental.

• Ask him to educate himself on your mental illnesses so that he can somewhat understand better what your dealing with constantly.

• You have to learn to love yourself before you can properly love anyone else- find the little things that you can appreciate about yourself & work hard to change the things you hate. But remember that YOU ARE YOU. don’t be afraid to be yourself & anyone who doesn’t like how you are or how you look? doesn’t deserve to be in your life anyways.

• REMIND YOURSELF CONSTANTLY... “ITS A BAD DAY, NOT A BAD LIFE”

Message me anytime to talk more, advice, or just to rant.

<3

[Scatteredtulips in reply to Here4You00]

I can’t thank you enough for this. This hit my heart in the right spot, thank you..

[catharsis34]

Yet another post of yours that I can relate to almost word for word. It's crazy, and I am so glad to know you are out there. I am in a very similar situation. I have trauma from childhood that has made me feel completely unlovable no matter what. It doesn't matter how much I workout, how "fit" I might be, or how I look on the surface. It might feel good when my boyfriend tells me I am beautiful, but that feeling is only temporary and the reason for that is when we seek external gratification to pump up our confidence it fades. We need to believe it on our own but we don't. So we just try so hard, and I mean so fucking hard to somehow develop an inner sense of confidence. It might be little by little, one small thing you say to your self eery single day. It also doesn't have to be perfect. There might be days where you feel good, and then days where you want to crawl out of your skin. Wherever you are in the process is good, you are good, you are trying. And trying and backsliding is better than not trying at all, it shows your strength and resilience. You have already proven your strength and resilience by what you have overcome in your childhood.. You are still here. You are still trying, you are a survivor!! Just think about that.

For instance, if you are anything like me, I constantly criticize myself in my own mind. "I'm fat, I have stretch marks, my cellulite is so gross, I need more makeup, I don't make enough money, I'm not smart enough etc.... when this inner talk goes on ALL day for years and years it becomes engrained in us. It may stem from painful childhood trauma, but then we begin to make it our present reality, because that is the only reality we truly know. This is why it's so hard to get stuck in our minds. I do it too.

It's like trying to expect a very overweight person to lose 200lbs in a month. Did they gain 200lbs in 1 month? Absolutely not! It happened over time, little by little and probably from negative self talk as well as stemming from a childhood trauma, thus leading to using food for relief. Our "relief" may come in different ways.. but asking yourself do just pop out of bed one day and be the most confident person in the world would be wrong too. So be patient with yourself. Be kinder to yourself. Think of some of the thoughts that run in your mind and write them down. Then ask yourself, "would I say this to my partner/boyfriend/ girlfriend/ close friend? Probably not. So why say it to yourself? You must not be so hard on yourself. (I know this seems impossible because I am so hard on myself all the time, but giving advice is easier than taking it right? ha) So just take the little steps. Once a day pause and look around and just notice what you are grateful for, maybe it's a roof over your head, maybe its your partner that loves and adores you, and then take a moment to just try and say 'I love myself', even if you don't believe it! Just try it. Even just smiling when we feel like complete shit has been shown to release endorphins that make us feel happy. Maybe try that too. Trust me, I know it's such a hard thing to do and it seems so silly and we think 'This will never work'. But when it comes to people like us who struggle so hard with confidence... what the hell do we have to lose?

I have been looking at some helpful and also calming youtube videos and this one I liked in particular...

youtube.com/watch?v=2i0E12P...(Not working as expected?)

Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help. I know how lonely it can feel sometimes but there will be better days ahead.

XX Cath

[Scatteredtulips in reply to catharsis34]

I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for all your help with my problems. You feel like such a close friend to me, and we don’t know each other. Hearing you go through the same things and having this advice to give, that yes, is always easier to give than to take, this is just all so damn helpful. Thank you for being here and being by my side..

[catharsis34 in reply to Scatteredtulips]

Of course, but you do not need to thank me! I just appreciate you being here. I feel the same way. You have helped me so much with my issues as well. I was so reluctant to join a site like this and share my feelings. I have shared things on here that I have never shared with anyone. I supposed the anonymity helps, but I am so grateful I joined because of people like you. If there ever comes another day that you feel useless just remember that your posts and responses are helping me SO much... and I am certain they are helping others too without you even knowing it. You are making a difference.

[Scatteredtulips in reply to catharsis34]

You do the same. It’s amazing how such simple things can do wonders for others. <3

[Sabio77]

Scatteredtulips thank you so much for sharing your deepest thoughts. I totally relate. the best thing to do is to train your mindset. it sounds hard and requires lots of effort but really it is easy and it is well worth it. it is what my therapist told me. it works. it is called "self-talk" where you speak positive words into your life. some people call it "taking control of the evil/demon" that comes at us. I have found out that what I believe in honestly matters. for when I was thinking of negative, it attracted more negative in my life. when I started practicing "self-talk" it changed everything. it is a process so I had to learn to be patient and determined. and I still do it now more than ever. it is a daily battle for all of us and it does help. here if you wish to talk more and learn more.

[crowningglory19]

I'm sorry you are feeling so poor about your self, and so glad you are in a loving relationship. Sometimes the feelings can loop around and we can't get out of our own way or our head. some things that help are the following: Taking magnesium malate will calm your mind body and spirit and ginseng is great to get rid of the loopy sticky negative thoughts so you can let go of them. They really help a lot! Also, getting out in sun is great. Vit D from the sun is mood lifting and energizing. volunteering is great to help you while you help others too. Best to you dear, you are loved.

[Scatteredtulips in reply to crowningglory19]

Thanks for the love. I’ll try those supplements out❤️