Little ole loner who feels she deserves this

[Lil_red24]

I spend majority of my days that I’m not slaving away to be able to survive. Sitting at home being an introvert, isolating. I hate going into public unless I have to. I always feel so alone and unloved. I came from a broken home and I’m so afraid I’ll raise my son in one. His bio dad already disappeared and we haven’t even heard a word in 2 months. I feel like I have so many problems and so little solutions. I have no support and when I try to reach out I feel desperate so I try not to make it seem like I don’t need anyone to be there for me. It’s hard constantly trying to fight this battle in my head wondering why everyone has abandoned me. I have to be strong for my son, hes 3 and a half. But I cry so much and I worry it’s not good for him. I try to spend time with people I care about but my mother is the queen of toxicity and it’s hard for me to run to her. She makes me feel worse. I feel like no matter how hard I try I just remain stuck. Nobody really knows what’s happening or how hard it’s been. I will continue to try for my baby but I still end up thinking he’d be better off without me in this world. I have nobody to turn to, my recent lover told me. I’m “so fucked up” and honestly he’s not wrong. I’ve been pushing through life trauma after trauma and I need help desperately. But sadly I feel like I can’t get it. I just want a real friend sometimes. I try to be there for everyone else all the time but when things are at their worst for me. I’m facing everything alone. I just want someone to hold me and tell me I’m not a POS and someone who just sees me for who I really am. Sorry for the long post. I’m just so tired already…

[Stippler]

Hello Lil_red24 - Do you have a therapist? They might be able to help you and your son in dealing with these things, or at least by helping your son understand what he needs to about the situation. I am sorry you are not feeling well. There are lots of people here who care. If you need a friend to talk to, I will be here all evening. I am sure there are also many others here who can listen as well. We are all in this together, so you are never alone. Sending healing energy.

[Starrlight in reply to Stippler]

I’m here for you too. Sending positive vibes(((((((((((((((((((((

[Valleyheath in reply to Stippler]

what country do you live in. In the U.K. we have Samaritans 24 hours a day. When you feel low give them a ring

[Lil_red24 in reply to Valleyheath]

I live in the United States

[Lil_red24 in reply to Stippler]

I do not, I did for about a month and it wasn’t a good fit, she listened but that’s about it. I’m now in debt to that and can’t afford to seek paying for another one. The resources for anything free is almost not worth having in my area.

[Sylvain-]

Hi Lil_red24,

The best I can suggest is to seek professional help from a trustworthy therapist.

More personally, from your message and your bio, you seem to make lots of efforts for your child not to suffer like you are. I also sense some guilt for not being able to do even more.

For me, those are signs you are a good person and your child is lucky for having such a mother. But like everybody, you have your limits and you can sustain tremendous efforts continuously. So I come back to my initial statement: you should seek help from a trained professional.

I send you all my support and respect.

[Lil_red24 in reply to Sylvain-]

I don’t have health insurance and I can’t afford a therapist, I tried to seek help from a low income based therapy site and ended up in debt to that. I tried to seek counseling through the domestic violence shelter since I was a victim of domestic violence as well but no matter how many times I called they never returned my call. Which made me feel worse and like nobody wants to help me unless I have money to give them.

[Sylvain- in reply to Lil_red24]

Sorry to read that. I live in France and I don't know what options you may have. Maybe someone US-based might be more helpful.

[primrose81]

I do so hope you feel better soon - being the mother of a lively toddler is hard work especially when you are on your own. Sending you a virtual hug x

[Valleyheath]

do you have the equivalent of Samaritans over there!

[Lil_red24 in reply to Valleyheath]

I’m not sure what that is

[Valleyheath]

it’s a 24 hour helpline - free - where someone talks to you and puts things into perspective and calms you down.

[Lil_red24]

I guess there is stuff like that, I always thought it was mostly for the major crisis like if I was feeling suicidal. Which I have for about 10 years, it’s also hard when you’re taught if you tell anyone about it they will lock you up or heavily medicate you until your a vegetable. I want to reach out more but 9 times out of 10 I just suffer through it.

[Oshgosh]

xx

[HisChild4ever]

I am so sorry!

Is there a Christian radio station that you could listen to? Maybe you could find some resources through them. If there is a church in your area that you could visit, that could help too.

Millions experience loneliness. And, many have had trouble finding a good therapist too and I know also that not being able to afford a therapist can be very hard.

You have suffered a lot and I admire you for persevering. I recommend that you turn to God and talk to Him every day.

There is a lot of suffering and pain in this life and not even good Christians are there for others all the time because no one is able to. But God is able to see everything and He is able to help and He wants to be a part of everybody's lives.

Having had traumas does affect us in the present, but being greatly affected by very hard things in our lives does not make us worthless.

It can be hard to believe, but you are a brave person and you have been strong and selfless. You are very valuable and and you are a big blessing to your son.

I hope that God blesses you so much!