Depression - social withdrawal, mind blankness, anxiety. I am falling deeper and deeper into this depressive hole.

[chara123]

Hi I'm new here, 21 this year and a sophomore university student. University has been tough and I should have been familiar with the rigour. I was a cheerful, happy going person who was always talking to people. I was also super into a Kpop group, Super Junior and I made so many new friends, met my idols so much. I was basically happy everyday just by seeing my idol's face and listening to their songs. Though they were my happiness, I spent a lot of money on merchandise, concerts and chasing my fangirl dreams. It started to consume my life and I opened orders for merchandises and felt like an "important" figure online too. School became increasingly tough and nearer to the exams, I found out that I did not understand anything in class and was also super unprepared for finals and project submissions. I totally blanked out during my test and walked right out of the seminar room 10 mins into the test. I would blame my attitude, for not seeking help when I was struggling at the beginning and letting everything just snowball in the end. I was panicky all day long, I could not sleep and I had such intense anxiety nail biting frequencies that I landed into the hospital and had to get surgery for my finger. Everything just went haywire from there. I continued to have anxiety everyday worrying about school. At that time, there were also some issues with my Kpop orders and my anxiety piled up. I think I worry ALOT in general, afraid of what people may think, afraid of what others say and all. The problems could be fixed easily but it just consumed and overwhelmed me. In the end, I couldn't go back to school. I wanted to give up on my studies. I was already so far into the semester and just had one final lap to go but I collapsed at this very moment. I dropped all my projects and stopped going for classes. I could not speak to my group mates at all - some whom were my close friends. Many supportive friends and family were around me; all asking about me constantly but I fell into a depressed state more and more. I did not reply so many of my friends for months and isolated myself at home for months and months. Whenever someone replies, I see the message but I never reply them even if they are just asking how I am. I do literally NOTHING at home. I'm on the bed the entire day and I am just this worthless and useless person who just let time pass day by day. I lost interest in everything , not even the Kpop group that gave me so much happiness everyday. I want to go back to the past. I want to be happy meeting friends, being so excited to see my idols even just online. Months have passed and this semester, I was supposed to go back to school but I realised I was unable to be in public comfortably, I could not talk to anyone. In social gatherings, I could not talk and was always mind blanked. I remember telling my mum it feels like my brain has died or something. There is this constant heavy feeling I am feeling on the back of my head but I cannot fully explain what I am feeling.Everyday feels pointless and I wake up, eat, go back to bed. I watch videos all day long so I have at least something moving infant of me. Life is now a daze. I lost myself. I feel like the cause of my condition was so trivial that I feel so ashamed to even tell my friends about what happened and things just gets worse when I avoid everyone. I just want myself to disappear or something. My anti depressant dosage just keeps rising and medicine changed as the things I told the psychiatrist is always the same - that nothing has really changed. My family is so frustrated and I am even more frustrated at myself. Is it normal to feel like I suddenly became dumb or something? I just cannot speak at all ... I don't know what is happening

[scarr6]

That you for sharing your story. It can be so easy to get into these situations. So no, you're not dumb. It sounds like, in many ways, you're in a situation where you are in a habit of doing something which isn't helpful, a fog, and it takes so much effort to get out of it you're instead resorting to some of the things that draw you deeper into the fog. I think all of us have been there at some point. Has your psychiatrist helped work on any coping skills with you? Also, sometimes doing one small task a day can be a good start. And once you're in a habit, add a second, and so on. I would really encourage you to try to respond to one of your friends each day. Not all of them. Just one. When I was at my worst with anxiety and depression, also during college, I had so little energy I withdrew from friends, but they were exactly what I needed. I had one friend who I declined hanging out with cause I felt like I needed some alone time. He called me up and said, "I know you feel like you need some alone time, but I think that's making you feel worse. You need to come hang out with me. I'm picking you up in five minutes." I ended up having a great evening with several friends and they brought me out of my funk for that day. Sometimes the path to recovery can feel so hard, but taking one, small step to push us out of ourselves really pays off.