Hi, I am new here and I just feel like I am going crazy. I wish I could afford a therapist, but I don't have the resources to do that right now which is why I am on here.
I feel so lost and trapped in my head. I've never been a social person, but it seemed like my social skills were improving when I was in college. In college, you have no choice but to socialize when you are more than likely going to have a roommate freshmen year. But even then I was still very reticent in comparison to most people I went to school with, but I was definitely more social than I am now or in high school.
I only have one friend left who happens to be my roommate and I feel like our relationship is becoming more and more strained because of my depression and becoming more and more reclusive. I have kind of let my mood swings bring my roommate down as well and it's not fair to my roommate.
They are naturally more social than I am and they actually haven't been able to socialize as much because of worrying about me and if I may harm myself.
I feel like shit for what I have become. I feel like a really f-ed up person and I feel so self-absorbed and selfish because I don't talk to my family as much as I should and I don't allow my best friend to have their own life because I feel like they're all I have left and when they're gone or have others in their life, I will be truly alone. I know that's really selfish and f-ed up and I hate myself for it.
I know I need to get out and try to get out of my own head and do more things with other people, but it's so freaking hard when all I can think about is how much I am going to say the wrong thing or do something foolish like tripping over something or stuttering or whatever else.
I am so afraid of being rejected and looking like a fool because I feel like one everyday. I feel like I am nothing most days so why would anyone be interested in what I have to say anyways.
Okay rant over, but this is just my thoughts in a nutshell.