University Roommate : I’m in my first... - Anxiety and Depre...

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University Roommate

Em17y profile image

I’m in my first year of university and in my first semester my roommate and I would hang out every weekend in our room and have fun and have lunch together all the time. She mentioned last semester that she prefers to have friend groups and for myself I like just hanging out with people one on one. Now it’s second semester and she hangs out with her new found friends every weekend and even throughout the week nights. I’m greatful for the alone time as you don’t get much when sharing a room but I miss having her as a friend. I feel it’s best to let her hang out with her friends as she said that’s what makes her happiest but she’s one of my only friends so I spend every weekend alone now. I want to hang out with her but I feel like I’ll just be a burden asking her to hangout when I know she’d be happier with her group of friends. I feel like if i strike up a conversation about how I’m feeling it will just come off as insecure or something but I just have a lot of anxiety and always think worse case scenario.... help

12 Replies

Can you try a modified hanging-out ; not for a whole evening or extended block of time, but maybe have breakfast together, go for a game of pool, etc.? So she can gets some of her needs met and you can too?

Em17y profile image
Em17y in reply to

Thank you for the suggestion :)

Hi Em17yr - I understand you and I tend to prefer socializing one on one also. But, over the course of my life, I have learned that having a wider group of friends can be very advantageous. You create a larger network that can be helpful in many ways - more people who can lend support when you need it, better opportunity to network professionally, more friends = offer a wider range of social activities (hanging out, running, biking, shopping, hiking, eating out, traveling, book club - list is endless).

Has your roommate ever invited you to hang out with her friends? If so, I would take her up on that as you may meet a few super new friends this way. (unless you just dislike her particular group of friends.)

And I’m not saying to hang out in a group all the time, which is the exact opposite of what you like. Just that this may be a good way to meet several people who you can develop friendships with and with whom you can hang out with one on one from time to time.

If she hasn’t, and it feels like she’s excluding you, then I would just let it be. Seek out a new friend - are you involved in any organizations on or off campus? Or do you participate in any activities in the community? Are you a church goer? These are some great ways to meet people.

It’s not easy to make friends! But you will. Don’t isolate yourself. You sound like the kind of person who can be a devoted and close lifelong friend to someone. That’s so rare! Don’t deprive other people of your friendship! Take care and best of luck.

Em17y profile image
Em17y in reply to

I used to have a big friend group but then I got a concussion for half a year and they all stopped talking to me and that was over two years ago and I just haven’t been able to get a friend group since. I have joined two like sports type teams in university but haven’t clicked with anyone I’ve talked to yet. She has invited me out but there’s always tension like they don’t want me there and I always end up initiating conversation. I don’t dislike them, just not my perfect match. Thank you for the advice :)

It is sad that this can happen however this situation is not uncommon especially if She is on a different course from you. You could ask Her if you can go out with group or it may be this girls interests have changed and the people who are friends have a same interest as Her and you have been pushed away. Personally I feel you may need to move on especially if the interests of the group are alien to your expectations.

Ask your friend, and see if she will support you joining Her and friends Night Outs, However it may be you may need to find a group of other friends or people with your interests.

Further Education can be a lonely place if you are away from home over long periods.

Look for groups of people in various interest groups and join them, hopefully you will make friends with those who are interested in the same thing especially when away from home.

To be honest you are there to study, would you have the time to actually study and be out on town in the evening, sometimes a busy Social Life can be counterproductive to study.

BOB

Em17y profile image
Em17y in reply to borderriever

I have gone out with her and her friends but it seems like I’m just holding them back cause there’s always tension in the air and I’m always the one initiating conversation. Nothing against them because I’m living with two of them and my roommate next year, just not a group of people I would find comfort at the end of the day with. I tried to join an intermeural team and I also go to dance classes but it seems with my interests its always hard to find someone else who has a few of the same cause I’m kind of all over the place. With your last point that’s how I’m kinda taking it at least for this year because I still have a school I need good grades to get into after my first university program so I have just been using a lot of my free time to do school work. Thank you for the advice

Join a club or activity. Volunteer at school somewhere. Spend less time in your room, even if it meets hanging out at the library or outside on your own. Don't worry about what others think. Do your own thing and let who you are shine. Don't be afraid to do things on your own.

I use to hang out outside of my classroom doors to study in between classes. This one guy who finally got the nerve to ask me out said that's how he noticed me. He said he would have never been brave enough to do that. I wasn't being brave. I just wanted to maximize my studying time. That made me even more interesting in his eyes.

Em17y profile image
Em17y in reply to LadyZen

I am already on an intermeural team and I go to dance classes twice a week but any one I talk to really doesn’t extend of once we leave the activity. I already am comfortable spending my whole day alone as I normally eat alone in the dining halls, sit alone in lecture and generally just spend my whole day alone. I feel like I have been alone for too long that I don’t even want friends until I start to feel lonely. Maybe I will start going up to others sitting alone n see if there’s something there. Thank you for the tip

Have yu at least tried hanging out more with more people?

I mean I also was not super social, but I learned to enjoy aspects of crowds/groups and also aspects of being in solitude.

Loneliness is addictive, and you should be careful to always dismiss bigger and bigger solitude as "I just don't like hanging out much". Point is, you already now feel something is missing. Perhaps sometimes we need to hang out despite not really wanting it, you know.. so we can actually learn something new.

Em17y profile image
Em17y in reply to quitter333

I was more social first semester to try an find friends, but idk none of them really clicked and I found I was the only one initiating plans or conversation and I hate feeling like I’m bugging someone by wanting to be their friend. I have tried to hang out in bigger groups but I always find I can’t never get a word in. I tried to become friends with my orientation group coming into school as they were all friends but they would all just making plans without me so it wasn’t a good match. I just feel like I don’t find friends that click easily

quitter333 profile image
quitter333 in reply to Em17y

I usually don't try to make friends, as most people just become a nuisance very quick, unless they are really interesting. Imho the easiest way to to have some personal aims and things and people will just emerge and make good friends - either by sharing same interests, or by being amazed of your skill. I also enjoy company of people who have good skills in things that I like or at least know about, even if I don't do them,

For those of you saying I should find a new friend i can’t really just cut ties because I am renting a house with her and two of her friends next year. I guess I should have mentioned this originally

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