Friendship and bipolar

Hi, I am new here and I hope you can answer some questions for me regarding bipolar disorder and give me some advice.

A dear friend of mine has it. I have known her for years and she is receiving treatment. I have been trying to read as much as I can about it in order to be a good and better friend to her, it's hard though.

I had two personal crises myself recently, the death of my mother and a life-threatening issue. But because my friend was going through a bipolar episode both times, I had to put my issues on the back burner and let her stuff take the forefront.

I know it is not her fault, I really do, but it is hard not to feel resentful.

She is forever telling me what she can and cannot cope with and how the slightest negative things will trigger another episode, I feel like her illness is controlling the entire narrative of our friendship. I tried to very sensitively and respectfully tell her that I also have stuff going on and would like to talk to her about it as well, but was once again reminded of the above by her.

She doesn't really properly react to what I say, but repeats details and then bombards me with what is going on her life. Her texts are very, very lengthy. Although she will always end off with how important I am to her.

She has become quite arrogant and boastful and will rattle off a long list, stating the dates and details of all the issues I have experienced. But just because her memory is good does not mean she has been supportive. I would like to tell her that, but it would be a pointless discussion in her current state.

My question is, is that fair to me? Is she not being a bit manipulative and doing so knowingly? Must I forever walk on eggshells around her because she has bipolar or shall I just give us both some breathing room? Can my stuff really trigger a bipolar episode for her? Do I need to feel guilty that by talking to her honestly, I would be responsible for depression, thoughts of suicide etc?

I would appreciate any advice.

Many thanks.

[Natsteveo]

Hi Hidden

Wow I wish you were my best friend I think you are a amazing person and have a true heart..but I know your friend has bipolar disorder but you have lost your mum and suffered a life threatening issue so personally sweetheart you need head space and you need to put some distance between you for a while being around someone with bipolar is draining and exhausting but you've got to grieve honey you need some you time you really do otherwise your going to become mentally and physically drained yourself...having bipolar disorder too she needs professional help more at the minute I'm not saying dont be there I'm just saying just tell her you love her and you know she is going through alot at the minute but so are you and you need time to grieve for the loss of your mum and that's what you need to do..I also lost my mum 12 years ago next month it was because I was strong for everyone else and being their for my friends that's when I got alot of mental illness because I shoved my own needs away I've ended up with PTSD and health anxiety and depression and believe me it stopped me in my tracks big time and took me completely off my feet it's as if my body told me "hey you need to grieve " and I'm still grieving it still feels like yesterday at the moment you have to give tough love to your friend but you need time apart so you can address your own issues and to grieve

Hope this helps

Nat

[Hidden in reply to Natsteveo]

Thank you Nat for your kind and supportive words. I really needed to hear from a neutral source that I was not being selfish (I was conflicted) and that it was ok to take a step back. I don't want to join the many friends who have exited her life, because she is dear to me, but I just need to recharge my own batteries for a while. Wishing you the very best with your own journey.

[Natsteveo in reply to Hidden]

Your very welcome here if you need to talk about anything

Nat

[Hidden in reply to Natsteveo]

Thanks so much. I appreciate it.

[Xenia33]

I really agree with Nat. She is absolutely right. You must take care of yourself & not get lost in your friends problems. Being there is one thing but you can’t be her “everything “. Please lookout for yourself. I lost my mom when I was 19 (33 years ago) & It still feels like yesterday to me. You have to take care of yourself- it is not selfish.

[Hidden in reply to Xenia33]

Thank you so much for your kind advice. People expect you to "bounce back" from the loss of a loved one but that is impossible, isn't it. My loss is recent but yours is still very painful. Time does not necessarily take the pain away, I am realizing. We just discover new ways to cope and some days will be easier than others. Sending you lots of strength and best wishes.

[Xenia33 in reply to Hidden]

You're right. Hugs

[Hidden]

Hey Rubber 🦆 21 x hello and welcome!

first I’d like to say I’m sorry to hear about your mother x

You are such an amazing friend and anyone would be lucky to have someone as giving and caring as you are by their side.. BUT from my own experience (I’m a big giver and I’m always left completely drained) it’s time for you to stop giving your energy to others and use that energy to heal yourself. You can’t put grievance and dealing with big crises on a back burner because it’ll built up inside you until it’s hard to handle.

To be a good carer or friend you have to be strong and healed yourself. Take care of you first so you can be there for your friend xx

I know it’s really difficult to step back... but honestly just slowly wean away from her that’s how I did it x

[Hidden]

Hi Hope and thanks for the wise advice. I have seen since my mom's death, that many people are so used to me being the strong one (the 'go to girl') that they don't know what to do when the roles are reversed. I heard myself say the other day "I am not a robot, you know".

What you are saying is 100% true and it is also the advice I would give to someone else. So best I use it on myself! Thank you for taking time to respond. Best wishes.