Its too much (possible trigger warning)

[imnotnervous]

I made a new friend, that friend told me that he was in love with me. i would talk to him about everything in my life and the same went with him. but ive pushed him away. I cant talk to my best friend about hat i do or feel because im afraid she will look at me differently. my family is the cause of half of my pain so i cant talk to them.My older brothers girlfriend assaulted me, and then he chose her over me. his own sister. i was in multiple life threatening earthquakes and thought my whole family was going to die. i was separated from my brother for majority of my life with countless family issues. my dad sometimes physically abuses me but most of the time its constant verbal. it was one of these verbal assaults that set me over the edge. i feel so alone, i am alone in this world, i am emotionless and the only thing i can feel is pain. my anxiety has been easy to handle lately but i feel that there is more in my head than just that. if i tell my family i need help they wont believe me. ive tried to get an appointment with a psychologist, but my parents never came through. this site is the only thing that makes me feel something. I think i have stated self harming, not in an effort to end my life, but i feel like i deserve the pain. when i was younger i used to cut my hip as almost a punishment, i would have blood running down just because i felt i deserved it. my mental health started crashing again a while ago with anxiety attacks and now i find myself leaving bite bruises on my arm. and when im overwhelmed i scratch this one spot on my wrist until its inflamed and painful. i dont know whats wrong with me. i dont want to call it self harm either because i feel as though its just a way for me to focus and get my feelings and emotions in check. everytime it stops hurting i feel this need to make it hurt again. i think i am going crazy

[Hidden]

Sorry I do not know your age or if in America you have a Social Service you can report your needs and expectations to. You can talk and explain what is happening to your Doctor and He may be able to get you some help, especially if you are been brutalized, Mentally or Physically. You mention a appointment been made to see a health professional, you need that appointment to be reopened and they will be able to help you.

Try not to allow this problem grow legs and effect your Life you need someone to help you and take away the badness that is affecting your Life

BOB