Self abuse/shame/depression. (Trigger warning - potentialsexual abuse)

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

When i get really low + overwelmed I have a tenduncy to masterbate to self sooth me. This, in turn, leads to intense shame and paralysis. When i was a child of 9ish I was sexualy minded and had sexual experienses with an adult - i dont know witch came first.... My sexuality or what hapened with my uncle so its hard to understand if i was abused or a willing participunt or not?!? From then ive always associatud my self plesure as shameful even tho ive found it so addictive and used it to cope with pain ever since i was a child. When ive done it, i get so low that i feel i cant motivate myself without help + support from others (indirect support, i dont tell them about how masterbation triggurs me). When it happuns, i dont work or go out or do anythin. I often call in sick as I feel so wurthless inside and feel i cant be around anyone dew to feeling so shameful inside 😔. For instance, these past 3 days ive done nothing all becos I saw a woman at the pool i fought wus goodlookn and at night 3 days ago i masturbated. It set off a deep depression. I dont use pornography. I dont like it. Instead, its just my imagination that i use i.e. a good looking woman in a film i saw etc. But the resulting shame/guilt can feel so intense and powerful. The shame just leeds to a grater desire for more sexual comfort and i can feel so traped in a cycle of 'self abuse' and self loathing. Im young (23) and never had sex, but the shame of masturbating is ruining my life. I dont work, have friends, exercise or go out all becos I feel so.ashamed.😞😞😞 Do u understand? Pleese help?

[Kainan]

Hey welcome. Have you sought out counseling to talk about these issues and how it affects you?

No, it would undoubtedly be abuse

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Kainan]

Yes, I had counselling but I ran out of sessions. I also had lots of other things to talk about too. There was so much and we had to prioritize the most important things. It did help, but we didnt cover this subject much

[Kainan in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

It might be worthwhile then to seek out someone a specialist preferably who you can talk to And make this more of a priority, because unfortunately that happens a lot of the time and many things we want to express become lost in the shuffle. It’s good that you want to address it since that is often the first step. Awareness is the key

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Kainan]

Thank you. I told my counsellor everything and it was on the list of things to talk about but there was other PTSD related things too. I guess we just didnt have time for everything.

[Hidden]

Shame, it's a hard one to over come. I feel it everyday on multiple levels for a two major reasons. One for being Gay since my family hated it and the other from being Conned by my ex (who I can't seem to shake my love even today) for years in a closeted relationship being gas lighted all the while.

I think the best you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other till you get where you want. Taking it one day at a time. Talk is best to keep coping. With the grade of the Universe or God or Luck which ever you believe, it may fade enough. It's what I do and I can't say it will be all right, but you have support. You definitely got it from me Judgement free. I have plenty of experience with abuse. Keep your Faith in yourself, you are a good person regardless of what someone else did to you.

If even in doubt, feel free to direct message me and I'll remind you. Cheers Brother.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Hidden]

Thank you

[Hidden in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

Support and the sense you matter always helps ease things , at least that is what helps me. I hope it help you too. Hence the offer. Plus can relate to a lot you said.