Deep in the valley

[Puzzled57]

I have been so angry for so long now I am at a loss of how to become positive. I never saw my anger as a depressive symptom but I know now that is exactly what it is. My self talk has been so negative- I hate that voice! I feel like nothing matters. It just doesn’t matter. I am not suicidal. Been there to a point and it has taken forever to come back. I thought I was doing well but over the last year I have felt defeated. I tried to get therapy but it was going to cost me $175 for the first session. I am at an extremely base salary which is part of my issue so this just keeps going in circles. I feel like I am in a catch 22 situation. I know there are other people who are worse off than I am. I shouldn’t be complaining. I have my health, my immediate family, a roof over my head, etc. I just don’t like what I have become and I can’t focus or concentrate to see my way out. I need perspective but I have pushed people away by isolating myself to the point I have no one to confide in other than my husband. Someone called me a whiner years ago and I was upset by that. I realize that person was right. Not sure what I’m looking for here but this is the only place I can turn to without being judged. I thank you for that!

[CanuckAnon]

I have been where you are. I show anger to cover hurt because anger was easier for me to deal with vs. Showing I was hurt.

I understand isolating yourself, it’s lonely, scary and makes negative thoughts spin in your head right? They are all lies... do not listen. Vent them here get them out of your head. I am happy you have a supportive husband for you to confide in. That’s wonderful. Makes life a little less overwhelming huh? People can be hurtful when they don’t understand eh? I don’t think you are whining.. I hear you asking for help. I hear you saying you are overwhelmed and just want to scream.

You made a great decision to come here... very supportive people here... we all have been where you are and completely understand.

Get the negative out here so you have room for positive to creep in to fight the darkness.

Anytime you need to talk, vent, rant whatever I’m here. 😊☀️

[Puzzled57 in reply to CanuckAnon]

I’m struggling. My flight or fight hormones are on high alert and I want to fly away so bad. I had a dreadful day. I was so angry all day and I had to keep shutting down the negative thoughts that were trying to run rampant in my head. I ignored all of my coworkers to keep from getting angry and blurting out something I would regret later. That made me miserable. I am working to get an appointment with a counseling group. Say a prayer it works out.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Puzzled57]

I completely understand you feel trapped in anger eh? It’s running you and you can’t shut it off. Why are you angry? What was the trigger that initially made you angry? It’s a snowball effect I know....

Get the negative thoughts out of your head... write them down, say them to yourself whatever but I find getting them out makes them easier to manage or cope with. Breath long and slow while making the list. Then look at each line and figure out was this justified or is it something else? It works for me bcuz I use anger to mask hurt or vulnerability too like being anxious.

That’s the best way I know to cope with it and to counter attack the negative crap that spins in my head from time to time as I’m not perfect.. it can be reduced though! It stops the take off feeling more and more. It also helps you to learn to fight the negative crap instead of world.... based on what I have experienced...

[Puzzled57 in reply to CanuckAnon]

So I have been contemplating your suggestion. I really like the idea. Trying to find a way to adapt it to my work environment since I can’t really write things down. Writing things down has always helped me as well., but asking the question “is it justified?” Is smart. Thank you.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Puzzled57]

I find it makes you step back from emotional side of brain to logical analytical side plus it gives u a chance to breath which can help stop the snowball effect tripping you up.... good luck. 😊

[RedBird09]

Very interesting. I feel your pain. I just couldn't describe it but you nailed it. It's hard n no one understands in my situation.