Switching bipolar meds after decade

[c-mac]

I'd gotten so good at managing my moods with meds and meditation, but after tardive dyskinesia set in I've have to start from scratch. Now I'm depressed most of the day and locked in my private world. Unwilling to let friends know even though I'm communicating with them about other things. It's all so personal, and it feels so hopeless I don't want to chase anyone away. And now meditation just makes me feel nauseated and drowsy. It's like whatever internal mind I had that would be prone to anxiety has been nuked to dizzy oblivion, and what's left is a calm, quiet hopelessness. I think some part of me believes it can be better than this, and that time will improve things, but it's not a feeling I have. The feelings all say things will be hopeless from now on. The only people I can be honest with are my therapist and wife, but I think I'm not even giving my wife the real deal anymore. At what point do you become too much of a burden, pass the point of no return, are no longer worth it? My 11-year-old doesn't know how to deal with me, and I could just hug her for hours but it would change things. Dad can no longer take care of me.

[Roxylox]

I am sorry to hear that. I am also bipolar, had worst low 7 years ago followed by a high the following year. I was put on a mood stabiliser in 2015 and am doing well on it so far

I am more prone to highs, thankfully only had 2 major and one hypo ever.

Had been well on a very small dose of antipsychotics begween 1991 and 2014

I suppose mine simply stopped working. I found that low in 2014 far worse than the highs. In my case a very brief hospitalization did help, but they had to be convinced I needed it. In my country they are reluctant to admit now. I somehow knew it would fit the bill for me at the time.

Your 11 year old does need you, you know. My 18 year old was 11 in 2014 when I had my low.

Obviously this tardive doesn't help. Can that itself be treated?

Having gone back through your posts I see you have done very well. Got a good job, kept on top of things really from what l see. Please don't lose heart.

[c-mac in reply to Roxylox]

Thanks. Yeah, I didn't have anything to complain of. But now I'm just trying to survive, get whatever work done I can that will keep me employed. The worst is when I know I need to get out and get a walk outside, which helps, but I have online meetings that mean that every other hour or so I'm supposed to be planted in my chair. From my youth I was good at faking it when I was depressed, but it must come at a huge cost that only my loved ones suffer through later.

[Starrlight]

My friend!!!! I am so so sorry. I want to help you. I really do think it will get better. What does your psychiatrist and therapist say about this? Maybe it’s the wrong meds for you. When did you start them? I can’t stand that you are in pain. ❤️ (((((((( sending good vibes prayers and love

[c-mac in reply to Starrlight]

We started the depakote and latuda at the beginning of November. Not enough time has passed yet to say they're definitely not working. I have a bad feeling about the latuda, though, but I don't know why. maybe just because it's an antipsychotic and the other one I was taking eventually caused the mouth twitches.

I got to talk to an old friend about seeing them over new year's, and he knows about my illness so i let him know it had been rough lately (even though I made it sound like it wasn't too bad.) But then he said he can't get together with me. I only have a few old friends who know about my condition, but we only speak a few times a year, and it looks like I won't see any of them this year.

What do I want from friends? I want someone to call once an hour -- a different someone every hour, ask how I'm doing, tell me I'm so great for being able to bear this, listen to me moan about it some, not give me advice but praise my strength to be able to bear it. And then an hour later someone else to call and do it all again. Even better if they could all come get me and go for a walk. That's what I want.

[Starrlight in reply to c-mac]

You are so strong. Seriously strong. I’m so sorry you have been going through the horrible pain. I wish I could hop up and take a walk with you now. I believe things will get better for you. Pm me any time.

[Rick1on1]

I want to speak about your feelings of being a burden to your wife. Women are some of the most patient creatures on our planet! I almost lost my love - pushing her away when I felt that I was a burden for her.

Being in your corner is she expresses her love! Give her the chance to show it and be kind enough to yourself to allow it!

As for the hopelessness, as long as we have breath, humans have the innate ability to create joy and contentment for ourselves and others. Use the love in your family as an anchor.

[c-mac in reply to Rick1on1]

I think I have an isolated role in my family. My wife and daughter will whisper together about this or that, but I have to come in and burst down a door with hilarity or directness. I just wish someone would come whisper secrets to me.

[c-mac]

Yeah, I just have such a hard time being patient with the medicine. I've been reading about something called ketamine that has short term antidepressant properties, but it also has hallucinogenic properties, so it's probably especially bad for bipolar people. There are no shortcuts for bipolar people.

[Rick1on1]

I dont think that its abnormal for a mother and daughter to be close....especially during the tween years when so much is happening in her life. Dont let your "voice of depression" look for conspiracy when there is none. Possibly, both are also sensitive to what you are going through and dont want to trigger an episode.

It's up to to get close to your daughter and wife. Treat them like queens and princesses and the rest will fall into place.