Will I ever feel normal again?

I don't remember if I ever felt confident and comfortable in my skin since the last year. I don't know what happened suddenly for my depression and social anxiety to return, but honestly I was doing fine before that. I mean I had the occasional blues and hopelessness, but I always bounced back quickly.

A lot of times at the Uni, things were mentally taxing, but I was seriously happy. Real life isn't treating me so well.

I feel no desire to go out or interact with people unless it's work related. I am genuinely starting to believe despite all my accomplishments or talents, I just don't "fit in". I used to be so comfortable and confident, had friends, never had trouble dating. Things were fine then suddenly, don't know what happened, but I changed. All I do is drink, smoke and take antidepressants to numb myself out.

Will this state of things be permanent? I need some self love and confidence to bounce back from this negative state of mind, but it's so difficult to love yourself in such times.

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It does sound like times are bleak, but by what your describe it's what I went through back in college. You're more than likely ruminating a great deal about this situation out of control and non stop. I feel your pain. Change is happening and you don't feel like it's for the better. I can honestly say that the drinking and smoking are not helping at all. Those two things have got to go. Trust me it only drives it further and strong than it would if you didn't. Having said that, that's not all that's going on I'm sure. Depression seems to make milestone in our lives from transitions from teens to twenties to thirties, etc. It sucks but the world keeps turning and life is still worth enjoying. The rut you're in is a no doubt a cycle that you'll need to find coping skills to break. I can say this distraction is great breaker of cycles, but not always enough. Try however hard it is to get out. I used to take my mountain bike to the bikes trails around my college to coffee shops, to friends places, and/or to places where people are. The combination of exercise with social interaction and in the light of day does a hell of lot to break cycles of despair. It's just a start though because you'll have other days like this and it's important to keep doing things instead of isolating where your misery will grow. I can only provide you with these words of advice but if I were around you I'd drag you out kicking and screaming to get you out. I know how dark it can be when stay home alone digging into negative thoughts that may self perpetuate the hell you're going through. There are others like you and are local to where you are. Reach out to finding them too to find ways, with like minded people,to give you more reason/motivation to break you free in the long run. You're not alone having these thoughts.

Also you can come here and write others, you're welcome to direct message me for instance and vent. Talk is worth getting negative thoughts out of your head . Cheers Man.

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Thank you. I felt a lot better reading these words of advise. from tomorrow I'll start living like before, I'll try to be more outgoing and perhaps try reconnecting with an old friend.

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I was for a brief period. My therapist told me it's childhood trauma.

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It became hectic to manage work and therapy after I moved to another city. Besides, I wasn't sure if it was doing me any good. I keep taking these medicines but I'm sure they don't work.

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I can try that but my therapist was right as are others who keep telling me that I'm too hard on myself and possibly hate myself. No therapist could make me love myself, I am too damaged to love myself without validation from people. I hope no one in born around toxic relatives, it really messes you up.

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Yes, I feel like things will change. Your life will change, but I remember being relatively fine and did not even think such a thing like body image issues of low self-confidence would consume me. Two years later, I'm bombarded by the negative thoughts of myself. I hope it will get better for you and I will try to battle it out myself.

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Well I'm glad. Still You're welcome to chat me up anytime. I remember how hard it was to break isolation habits with so much pressure. A reminder of the goal in life to be happy healthy and wise is always good. I'm here to support others i.e. you when the need arises. Cheers Man.

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I never thought I could end up in this cycle.