it doesn't feel like it will ever get better

[CroutonBehavior]

All my life, people have been telling me that it will get better. I'll admit, there have been brief periods of my life where I felt like it had gotten better. I get that just because it didn't last doesn't mean it doesn't have any value. But my mental illness has never really gotten better. In the times that I felt "good" I was just pushing down my feelings and that always led to a huge crash. So even when it felt like it had gotten better, it was just a different kind of worse.

I put my trust in the professionals and it ended up making things so much worse. I've done everything in my power to get help but I just can't get it. I'm tired of confiding in a system that's broken and fighting to live in a world that doesn't have much to offer. Even if everything miraculously got better right now, it would feel like a joke more than anything. I can't imagine anything worth fighting for or anything that makes the pain and struggle worth it.

I've been playing a game with life for 12 years. It's been such an unfair and degrading game that I no longer want the prize. I've lost all faith but somehow I sit here waiting for hospitals and doctors to call me back. It's been 5 weeks, I haven't been able to get my foot in the door. I've learned that the system only helps you when you land yourself in the hospital but it's such a mindnumbing and inhumane experience sometimes, that I don't want to go back. If I did, it probably wouldn't get me much help anyway.

Last time I got 2 week's worth of medication and a pat on the back. They sent me back to the psychiatrist I didn't trust. I forced myself to get ready for that appointment anyway and he canceled on me last minute. I didn't have enough meds to last me until I saw him again so I fired the whole team. Now I'm here and there's just no point.

[senorab12]

I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way, I kind of understand where you’re at, I’ve also felt very good at times but that was because I was repressing my emotions and they always catch me.

It’s unfortunate that you can’t find the right professional that gives you the help you need.

May I ask why you feel like you’ve been playing a game with life?

[CroutonBehavior in reply to senorab12]

Every time I find the strength to try again, I'll feel proud while I'm doing it and I'll feel like it's going well. Then something happens that's out of my control and it completely puts an end to whatever I was trying to do. Just feels like the universe is giving me courage, showing me hope and building me up just to take away what little I've been able to create for myself. I don't see the point in trying to win anything when the "game" is rigged.

[sunshinefan]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Is there any way for you to find new providers? Just a thought. Thinking about you.

[CroutonBehavior in reply to sunshinefan]

I've been looking for over a month and no one is available. Even with a referral from my primary care physician, it would take 8-12 months for an appointment.

[sunshinefan]

Thats awful. I'm so sorry.

[Gramas]

I feel the same way you do. It seems like I try so hard and things will go good for a little while and then something out of my control happens and I’m back to feeling bad again. It almost feels like I don’t deserve to feel good, or if I do, then something bad has to happen to even it out. What’s the point in trying? I hope things get better for you.

[CroutonBehavior]

I agree with most of what you're saying but someone finding me important is just blatantly false. Every person that I know treats me poorly and has treated me poorly since the beginning. I know I'm worthy of love, I know there are people out there who could love me in the future but I'm not in a position where I can meet them. So currently, I'm not important to anyone. No one depends on me and if I was important anyone, I would be treated with human decency and kindness from the people in my personal life.

I also don't think I'm "meant" to experience anything. The whole universe seems kind of random to me and if any omniscient being or higher anything actually wanted me alive, it would help me out just a little.