I though I was better

[SilentSinger55]

This is just a bit of my story, but there's still a lot. I got out of a mental health facility in august. It was the eighth one I'd been to and the first one that has actually helped me. I thought I was actually better. I was 15 but I'm 16 now. When I got out and started school, I made a while new would of friends, Abby, Livi, and Emma. Fast forward to early October, Abby, Livi, and I are away at an overnight drama competition. We are all three in the same hotel room and, being stupid teenagers, decide to prank call Abbys dumbass ex boyfriend. Abby uses Livi's phone without a second thought. The call goes well, we think nothing of it. Fast forward again, end if the month. Livi and I have started dating and are really happy together. One day, Livi comes to school super worried because her mom took her phone and is going through it. She told me it was because she had been texting some of our other friends, Jackie and Chris about us dating but I knew that couldn't be all of it because her mom knew she was gay. Later that day she was called to be checked out. I told her I loved her and she left. The next day, she didn't come back. Jackie, Chris, Abby, Emma, and I were each called down to the office one at a time. Livi had been receiving messages telling her to "send nudes or kill herself". They were from Abbys ex boyfriend. He had done this to Abby and many other girls before. We stopped talking to Abby after that. Livi came back two weeks later but soon left the school because she couldn't handle seeing me everyday when her mom had banned us from talking. I spiralled from there. My anxiety got worse. I started having panic attacks again. I felt more depressed than I ever felt and even now have started struggling with suicidal thoughts again. I thankfully did not go back to self harm which I m proud of myself for but I've been close. I think I was just on the edge and that one big things was gay it took to push me over. If you read this all I thank you. I just needed to tell some one because, I haven't told anyone about this yet, you know.

[EleanorRose]

Hey,

I have just replied to one of your other posts.

This sounds like a tricky situation to be in. I'm so glad to hear you haven't returned to self harming and you should be rightfully very proud of yourself for that.

I understand you must miss your girlfriend and I think I would find it really difficult too, to have your relationship suddenly ended. It's going to be hard.

What you and your friends did with the prank call, as you have said yourself was just a stupid teenage prank. You shouldn't feel bad about that or any guilt. It wasn't your fault, nor was it Livi's and actually, Abby is not to blame for this either. Perhaps you shouldn't have made the call, but hey, we've all done silly things that in hindsight we shouldn't have done. The boy who sent the text is to blame for the situation.

This is hurtful to you, understandably, and it seems such a shame that it has undone all of that great work you did in the mental health facility. Do you have any ideas on how you could get through this period of depression. Maybe apply some of the things you learnt in the mental health facility? Have you told anyone close to you about the suicidal thoughts you have been having?

It sounds to me like you are a very strong person who has been through some difficult times but have shown great resilience and determination to get through it. You will get through this too. As you get to meet new people, come through this period of depression and continue to grow, this will become such a small part of your whole life.

I'm so glad you felt able to share this here. Keep sharing as much as you need. We are all here for you.

Eleanor

[SilentSinger55 in reply to EleanorRose]

I've told my friends that went through it with me but it kind of fire them down too. I've tried opening up to my therapist but I know she'll have to tell my mom. Before I started doing better, my mom wouldn't talk to me, but now that I have her back, I don't want her to leave me again. It's kind of a courage thing. I need the courage to tell an adult.

[EleanorRose in reply to SilentSinger55]

I’m not too sure on the rules about therapists and disclosing to your parents but surely what you say is confidential unless they think there is a serious risk?

I don’t know but I think it’s really important to be honest with your therapist in order to get the most out of your sessions with them. Can you ask them to clarify the confidentiality and what they do/don’t have to tell your mom?

It saddens me to hear that you’re worried you’ll lose your mom by being honest with her. She knows you’re seeing a therapist so it sounds to me like this won’t come as a big surprise to her. It’s such a cliche but often the first step is the hardest.

You’re having a rough time at the moment but you are still ‘getting better’ - unfortunately the path to getting better has highs and lows and you’ve had some difficult experiences lately which would be tough enough without mental health issues too. I think you should be really proud of how well you are doing.

If not your mom, is there another adult you can open up to?

[SilentSinger55 in reply to EleanorRose]

I could go to my dad or my older brother but I don't really trust them. I kind of tell my therapist a little bit more each time I see her, every other week. As far as she knows, my anxiety is worsening. At the rate in going, it would take like another six months to get it all out there, but I guess that's something. I try to tell her I'm not doing well but it's like it gets stuck. I've thought about writing a letter to read aloud during a session but I don't know what it would say.

[EleanorRose in reply to SilentSinger55]

That is a great idea!

I have always struggled in therapy to say exactly what I think/feel.

I always try to take a few notes but have on several occasions taken a letter to read aloud .

I always take two versions (typed and printed twice) - my therapist refuses to just read it but knowing she has it in front of her kind of forces me (in a good way) to just say it. She can see it anyway so I might as well just read it.

I also find it prompts me to say other stuff as well.

It doesn’t matter if it isn’t perfect or isn’t exactly right but is a great starting point.