So new here. My story is complicated, messy and emotional... I was hurt at work in early 2015, I ended up working thru pain after physio was discontinued by workers compensation as I supposedly should have healed🤨. I had migraines, couldn’t bear lights, was dizzy, ears were ringing and so on. Aug of 2015 my body finally gave out as I could not take pain any longer- I ended up having seizures. Short hospital stay didn’t result in diagnosis except being labeled a drug addict for asking for CBD vs Morphine they were gladly handing me. Finally got an appt at pain specialist 8 months later who read notes forwarded from hospital and proceeded to check me for track marks instead of looking for causes of pain. 🤨 told me pain was all in my imagination. I explained I did not want narcotics but wanted a prescription for CBD not even THC. She refused and referred me to a psychiatrist.... waiting list again 9 months later I hear from psychiatrist at a hospital in town, I was turned down for service. At this point I am unable to work, have no income coming in, bills piling up.... my partner was getting frustrated to all ends bcuz everywhere we turned fir help I was turned down. He saw the pain I was in as he had to carry me around, pick me up when i fell (dizzy and nausea). My GP finally got me into a doctor who could prescribe me CBD... Tried it and wow 1st time in almost 2.5 years I felt normalish as I could control my pain. It of course not covered by drug plan so relief was short lived. I had been feeling useless as I did not have any money coming in, felt helpless and was starting to lose hope. I gave up at this point. I withdrew from life as the pain controlled me.
I laid on the couch for the next year in pain, doing nothing, would not ask for help, would accept very little help offered, would not leave house as I saw no point in it as it only made pain hurt more. I started loosing weight while eating potato chips, granola bars- easy food. I was a lump on the couch... the fire inside me had burnt out. I did not even notice what it was doing to those around me. Tbh I didn’t care. It was all about how much pain I was in and how I couldn’t change it or get CBD regularly. I was asked constantly if I was depressed... I denied and refused medication. Refused everything and everyone. I was in pain constantly and nobody got it.... so I thought. My GP got me into another pain specialist who said the magic words... I believe you and will treat your pain. I started nerve blocks they worked for 5 days at a time which was great. It’s late 2018 now I started to notice some of the destruction that had resulted from my denial of depression and anxiety.
My partner had withdrew emotionally from our relationship which made me feel guilt, financially we were depleted as I still did not have any income. He had been saying we should sell house and move. This scared me, made me guiltier and feel so useless and a victim more. I withdrew and headed to couch again in 2019. I gave up going to doctors because I figured that I was saving gas money to get me to doctors. I would not turn heat on so I could save money as I felt like a lump that cost money I could not contribute to. I live in Canada which has winter so heat is necessary. My partner bless him tried to reach me, get help, find answers/solutions. He gave up again. He started to get depressed so he got help.... he emotionally detached and I still did not notice. By May of 2019 I half woke up and decided to get off the couch, I would do 1 thing per day... I tried to fight back but fear overwhelmed me, I refused to leave house but I was stubborn to prove that I could do everything myself - I did not need help because I was not depressed it was only pain in my mind. I pushed myself to the point I was needing to be carried around again.... this frustrated my partner who has still stuck by me.
I got insecure, anxious and yes was depressed... the pain still there but I denied the rest still. My partner had had it.... he was livid with me for basically shoveling all responsibility onto him while I ignored everything. I refused to do my taxes as they were overwhelming, I refused home support as I did not want to have to get up, shower or talk to anyone. I ignored my phone, family, life in complete stubbornness. He started going out with friends as he could not watch me anymore. I imagine now that it must have killed him to see me like this....
I clued in finally about 7 months ago but was unable to figure out a plan of action... I could not ask him as he would just get mad and lust how I had let him down. I can’t blame him now that I look back at how bad I was. He has now still been going out with friends, he by accident txtd me something I knew was not for me so depression anxiety and insecurities rang hard. I felt heartbroken and a bunch of other ugly negative emotions... I finally asked him about it and he admitted to meeting a woman while he was out with friends but it was not serious... he was going to deal with it. This just made me wonder what else he wasn’t telling me. He would stay out at friends some nights on weekends which just made my mind race with thoughts and accusations of serial infidelity... I could not trust him anymore, I was not good enough etc... This negative circle I put myself in came to an abrupt end between Christmas and New Years. He sat me down and told me we had to sell the house and I needed to get my independence back as this was killing me. He told me to start packing. He was packing too. We were together still but not. I realized quick what I had taken for granted for so long. He told me u was depressed, anxious and needed help plus I needed to tackle things like my taxes. I had already been to accountant but never told him as I was not trusting him and withdrawing due to heartbreak. I finally made it into pain specialist, explained what happened. He restarted nerve blocks and suggested CBT. I have my 2nd appt. in 2 days. I went to the dentist as I’ve broken teeth from grinding and downright neglect. This fear crippled me for many reasons but I faced it and am awaiting multiple teeth extraction. I’ve been packing and looking for a place to live. Still do not know if we will be moving together and too afraid to ask. I can’t believe he has stuck by me this long really. I see the difference in me and really want the old me back...baby steps is hard because I’m impatient but I think pushing myself has only resulted badly so maybe he is right...
I still battle with insecurities because he wants to be sure I’m going to cope and manage my pain etc in a healthy way because he can’t go back to me in the deep dark pit of hell we call it. I don’t blame him at all..... so here I am here trying to figure all this out... I start CBT Tuesday so that will be interesting as I do not do change well nor do I handle new things well... i’m taking it day by day, hour by hour at times. I make lists so I can feel accomplishment and remember what I’m doing. I’m out of the fog but still find myself slipping back every now and then. Reading others experiences helps because it reminds me I’m not the only person who feels this way. I do want out of this house which is a good sign but moving terrifies me. I have my garden, fenced yard for the dogs, close to forests and water which calms me so moving to city increases my anxiety. An apartment scares me bcuz I really do not like talking to people or making small talk . I’m introverted to start with so social situations are Hard enough in my best emotional health. There are days questions like how are you puts me in tears. I avoid social situations outside family for these reasons... I’m working towards getting out more like walking dogs for starters. I can limit interactions to waving. I can handle that. I do look forward to some outings but still resist others like grocery shopping. I miss many things like cuddling, going out doing whatever together. I realize he is still in self preservation mode and does not have absolute faith that I will stick to getting my crap together. I will always have pain so I have to learn to manage it effectively and not give up. It’s weird I worked in community health care and would be able to advise patients about this but to take my own advice well not so much. 😏
I am not sure what to expect but am finding myself more hopeful at least in general lately but I do still have bad days that drive me to tears and emotional outbursts but they are getting fewer and farther between ( knock on wood) as the days/ weeks go by.... I do not know what future holds but I’m trying to hold my head up and face it head on at least. He is still supportive in this regard and still moves heaven and earth to ensure I’m able to get to doctors, have CBD, food, heat and that I’m safe. He still spends weekends out but has made efforts to be home part of weekend. He has started to make time to take me out places that are not doctors so this is positive. He does his best to quell my insecurities and reassure me that i can still hope and time will tell.
Ok this is the 1st time I’ve admitted all the ugliness and disgusting way I acted, treated him and literally pushed him away.
I imagine many others have similar experiences but I figured if not here where else could I admit all this without judgement. I can’t tell family as all they would do was try to solve it for me not allow me to do this for myself. This to me is most important as it will help me gain my much needed independence again. 😕🙂
xx
my boyfriend went off the rails
I’m in a bad way
I really messed things up..
Am I in the wrong? Trigger warning
