Big Trigger. Spring and Lilies = death - Anxiety and Depre...

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Big Trigger. Spring and Lilies = death

Starrlight profile image

...My suffering is becoming so much that I am again daydreaming of where when how I will give up. My children’s faces immediately come to me now so I know I won’t I can’t hurt them by taking my life. but I wish I could maybe in future years maybe God would understand. Maybe I would have to. and it hits me and I pray my babies won’t understand this kind of pain. I’m failing falling burning I am trying but I cannot stop the pain. I am so sorrowful over some people in my life right now. I’m overwhelmed. I’m in a lot of physical mental emotional spiritual pain. I want God’s hands wrapped around me protecting me. As I cry I recall Spring and that it is coming , and with it, the death of my brother. He must have had the energy at that time to get it done. God I miss him I thought I knew him and now I think you never know anyone as you think you do. I pray for him. I love him. I pray not to do what he did. I think in this case time will not heal.

Whenever I smell Lilies it is tied to the wake of my brother and spring means rebirth so that is nice maybe he has had rebirth in heaven.

37 Replies

I can relate to some of your pain & I’m sorry for your suffering.

Glad you’re here.

You are a light for me thank you I’m glad you are here too ❤️

Thank you!

I appreciate that.

Hi! I am here for you; I am a suicide attempter, it is not worth it I was in a coma for 14 hrs it messed me up brain damage wise now I have trouble remembering simple things and recalling certain words. God wants you here; you have a purpose! I am a Mommy too my daughter is 13. He CAN get you through the pain! I am here message me anytime I am sorry about your brother. I lost my dad to cancer and best friend to murder so I know how that goes too I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS. Please reach out to me!

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Yumyum12

Hi Yumyum i am sorry that you have been through so much. You are meant to be here and me too. Thank you you are so sweet. I feel like you are the strength I need, because I need to lean on someone and release pain. I kind of went crazy yesterday as there seemed no end to suffering and it still seems it’s too much but I decided I will fight because my kids deserve a better mom. They deserve the very best. I am trying so hard to not be selfish because my family means so much everything to me but the pain is making me weak. I pray to get stronger.

Do you have a partner to talk to about your feelings? Do you have any one close to you that is supportive? If so, find them and share immediately. I can’t completely understand what you are going through but I know what that desperation feels like and thank goodness for our little ones. You are stronger than you think you are.

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Puzzled57

I just listened to a song by Alicia Keys that a friend from here sent me the song is on fire omg makes me feel so strong, I think I’ll listen to it every day.

Puzzled57 profile image
Puzzled57 in reply to Starrlight

You do whatever you have to do for as long as it takes to get stronger!!! It takes time - be gentle with yourself!

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Puzzled57

Ok it’ll happen right? I’ll get stronger. My friend Anxiety59 has been sending me songs that bring me strength. I love it when people stick with eachother not giving up on someone because that’s how we spread the hope faith and love

in reply to Starrlight

Awww you my dear are so I really, really need YOU to SEE IT!!!

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ I see 😉 you are my sista! We are both beautiful!

in reply to Starrlight

Hey there ya feeling now???? XXX

in reply to Starrlight

Ready for another tune??? XXX

H. I love your forum name. I read your poignant story and felt how sad and troubled you are. I don't have any magic words or a wand to make it go away. All I can say is that as much as taking your life may seem like a viable option, please don't go from thought to action. I don't have children but if the thought of the impact on your children stops you from taking action, then please keep them front of mind Not only would they be devastated it would affect the rest of their lives as your brother's loss has affected you. When one experiences such a profound loss, time doesn't really "heal" it just makes it a bit easier to live with. I don't know if you have someone you trust or access to talk therapy; if you do, then that might be an option. If praying to God helps, then that's good as well. This forum is also here for you. Be kind to yourself, you are doing the best under the circumstances. Stay strong and manage one day at a time.

Yeah I think to myself how intensely crazy it would be to actually take my life so cowardly and just wrong but when I get to a certain point I am not thinking straight. I know if I have a trigger I need to go talk to my therapist who would help me find support people or have me go to crisis care and I would think of activities that may help at the time or a friend maybe who would tell me to watch movies do I am trying those things now even though I am not suicidal because I don’t want it to go back to that.i can’t go back to that. I am also praying. Thank you I really appriciate you.

Thank you! You sound a bit better. BTW, the term "cowardly" is often used by those who have never experienced what we experience. Whenever I hear it, it makes me feel worse and that I'm not worthy. I suppose they think calling us cowards will straighten us out when it just adds more pain to what we're feeling. My view is that suicide becomes attractive when one is in so much mental and emotional pain that it's unbearable and no other options come to mind.

Good point. I don’t know why I used cowardly because one time a co worker called my brother cowardly when he found out he had killed himself and so I know how much that can hurt 😞 my brother was a great person who was in a lot of pain

You will get stronger but you may not realize it because of the bumpy ride.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your brother and the anniversary of that loss brings with it a grief process. Among the pain your described you are feeling, you at the same time spoke of life affirming people and things. You speak of how important your children are and they don’t want a perfect you, they simply want and need you. I loved how you related the smell and sight of lilies to both a reminder to an end but more importantly, the sign of a new beginning. You are just as in touch with your pain as you are with the important and beautiful things in life.

Grief, pain, triggers, etc. can blur the lines between despair and hope but let the faces, hugs, sights and sounds of your children help to ground you. Continue to take in the sights and smells of lilies and I hope they are able to bring you peace when processing the loss of your brother and also encourage you that life does go on and you deserve to be here for it along with all it has to offer. Blast those songs from your friend if you need to, start and end each day with them and keep the friend who sends them to you at the forefront of another reminder that hope has a purpose and is worth maintaining.

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to

Omg you. Are. Beautiful. Thank you sooooooooo!

There is a free website called What's Your Grief:

You may want to check it out. Take care

❤️ will check it out right now thank you

Praying for you ❤️

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to pink83737


The ones you leave behind are the ones who suffer far worse than any other death. DO NOT TAKE YOUR LIFE. Your children will never forget this horrible event. You have not forgotten the loss of your brother. Nor will your children. Never give up. I struggled through 40 years of Anorexia. I have just recently recovered. This was with six years of mental help from professionals. I still seek treatment. I daily recover and will always. To never take my life. The thoughts suicide or not who I am. I will never take my life. I have a precious 82-year-old mother. She will die if I took my life. I will not put her through that torture. I have dealt with 50 years of repressed childhood abuse memories. I just begin to recall these memories recently. I am a survivor and will not be defeated by the enemy anymore. YOU STAY STRONG AND POSITIVE. REMEMBER THE EFFECTS OF YOUR BROTHER ON YOU. DO NOT THINK OF THIS DEATH. PLEASE. WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU AND LOVE YOU. WE SUFFER AND FEEL YOUR PAIN. REACH OUT.


I want to make it clear that I am not planning on taking my life. This is a hard time of the year for me and i feel bad but I can’t seem to help the ideations. But it will be okay. I had a dream that it was okay to smell the flowers and they no longer were tainted by death I could appriciate them in a new chapter of life with the people I love

How are you doing today?

You be strong. Sorry that your brother lost his life to this. He will remain in your heart forever. I loved your poem. You just hang in there and keep seeing your children's faces. Those faces will remind to be strong. I do the very same thing. I see my wonderful 82-year-old mother's face daily. I am reminded of all the torture and abuse she endured 40 years by dad. I would never cause her any more suffering. I finally found life after 40 years of life after dying with Anorexia. I am leaving free and love it. You hang in THERE. When the road gets rough. Keep on driving. DEFEAT THE ENEMY OF THE MIND. STAND UP TO IT. I DO THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY. TO STAY RECOVERED FROM ANOREXIA. I STAND MY GROUND. I AM UNMOVEABLE. LOVE YOU.

I love it- UNMOVEABLE. We are strong. God is with us. Thank you so much for sharing some of your story. You are amazing. Love ❤️ to you.

Love you and thank you.

Hi Starlight,

Beautiful name. I understand deeply where you are coming from. I’m a mother of 3 and a suicide attempt survivor. I understand the constant thoughts and painful tug of war your mind plays within you regarding life and death. Your children need you, you are their mother and they love you no matter what. Even on the days we don’t feel we are giving them what we deserve, we really are because even at our darkest moments, we are still HERE, for them, for our loved ones and for ourselves. You have not yet given up and that speaks of love and strength. Hang in there, seek more help if you need it, you are worthy of it and deserve to live a life where you can have peace. Feel the love here and see the love of your children as you are already doing. You are a bright star, keep shining. :)

I like your name too. Ha it reminds me that when I would have mini breakdowns I would get so upset that no matter where I was at the time I would just run away. Run for miles. Sometimes finding a place to ponder if life could still be lived. But running let me feel free in a way when I felt so trapped with the mental illness. I wanted to get lost and just be gone.

Today could go either way. I’ve been productive so far. But I feel vulnerable, open to hurt.

Anyway thank you for sharing with me. I so appriciate you. I’m glad we met here and hope to read you again and again. Love and peace and joy to you.

You’re always in my prayers hun 😔 thanks for trusting us enough to share such deep feelings with us x I hope for you healing and light 💕

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to

Omg thank you so much Hope. I was nerveous in sharing but so far people seem to get it. Of course I would never want to hurt my babies or be away from them I just dipped into a deeply troubled space without my wanting to and needed to voice about suicidal ideation. I’m in a much better place now. I am watching my stress and taking it easy because although I’m not sure what caused the trouble I know stress can contribute to any ailment. Thanks for your prayers . You are in mine too. ❤️

in reply to Starrlight

I’m glad you got past the nerves and shared it because I’m sure there will be people who relate to you and will feel they too can share their thoughts x

I’m happy to hear you’re working your stress levels 💕

Know that we’re always here and never judgemental so don’t be nervous to share , my friend 💕

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