Feel Lost, Empty

[LittleEagle]

Hi, I’m 38 male and finding things really hard. I have a 5yr old son from a previous relationship 3yrs ago. I meet someone 2yrs ago who change everything I found the one. However it’s been a torrid time since, I’ve suffered strong bouts of depression to the point of dark thoughts. My gf who suffers anxiety has accused me of cheating and after her getting drunk has ended us multiple times and I haven't taken them well at all. I feel I should of been more in-tune with her issues but I’m also worried of looking and feeling like a door mat. It’s effected my job (they are supportive) I was signed off with depression for a month and while things have been better we have relapsed and I’m struggling at work again. 90% of the time we are great but there are horrible times that split us in two. It’s extremely upsetting for both of us she is a stunning woman inside and out I feel her low confidence and over worry is soothed by drink which can lead to rows and splits. I’m very sensitive person in general and even more so since I became a father, but I feel I have also let my son down, he keeps me living but recently I’ve been thinking that he would be better off without an over sensitive father who suffered depression. I feel lost and empty, his mum is much colder and stronger for it.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

You don't mention you're in therapy. I would suggest it if you're not. And at the very least go to Alanon because it does seem your gf may have a drinking problem. A question you might want to ask is the relationship with your son is more important than your relationship with this woman. It seems like your depression and anxiety would be lessened without her chaos.

[LittleEagle in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Currently not but i will be attending counselling at work to help me.

There is a drink problem in that she can’t handle her drink but it depending on if she is overly worried she may react badly or react in a control way only having one then switching to a soft drink. 95% of the time we are fine there no issues at all and very happy but when they do come they are explosive. We don’t live together either. She also has a little boy of same age

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to LittleEagle]

Therapy sounds like a good idea. And there's a saying in A.A. about it not being how much someone drinks but what it does to you when you rob do.

[LittleEagle in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

That’s it exactly, I can’t tell you the switch in her personality it’s unreal. I’ve suffered mental illness for as long as I remember and it’s only recently I’m coming to terms with it all and accepting it. But I’m struggling with this, it’s like having the winning lotto ticket only for it fly out of your hand as you desperately run after it to catch it and keep it safe again.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to LittleEagle]

That's why you need therapy Or Alanon. I don't think it's something you can deal with on your own.

[LittleEagle]

Hi thank you and thank you for your reply.

She has tried AA but she isn’t an alcoholic so it didn’t really suit her, I thought she had a drink problem but it’s deeper then that. She is as ‘lightweight’ so that doesn’t help but it the reason she drinks that the issue. She doesn’t drink much at all but and even to get drunk it’s not a lot really. She suffers from extreme anxiety where she can’t cope and that once in a while drink helps her to let off steam BUT if I’m there and show a slight bit of upset of how she is acting in a bar she turns on me.

This happen last Friday and since then she went to the doctors and they recommended counselling.