Looking for advice - potential big life changes and I am barely functioning

[Depresseddoglover]

Hello you strong willed mental health super heroes. I am severely struggling with what steps to take next - I have 3 options and would appreciate any advice. A little background and context - 36 yr old female diagnosed with depression/anxiety/ocd in childhood (not a good prognosis). Over the last 20 years after many different medications CBT and DBT I managed to live a healthy,'normal', high functioning life. More recently in the last year after intensive group therapy (for substance abuse), daily yoga, meditation and mindfulness practices I decided to (horror of all horrors) stop taking my medications. Since then I have spiralled into the deepest, darkest depression of my entire life, my self worth is at an all time low, I experience no pleasure in activities I used to enjoy, I have terrible insomnia, racing thoughts, doubts about wanting to live, social anxiety, bouts of uncontrollable crying etc....Over the last year I have also saved up all of my money to do volunteer humanitarian work abroad. I endeavoured to follow through with this even though I had started feeling poorly - thinking that a change of environment and being of service would help me out of the darkness. Well, I have made it halfway across the world and I am feeling worse than ever (sobbing every day) for the last 7 weeks. I started back on new medication (wellbutrin 7 weeks ago, prozac 3 weeks ago) and they are either not working yet or I need to switch them. I am currently staying at my sisters house in Africa as I prepare for the volunteer work in another country and the time has come for me to make a big decision about how to proceed - do I follow through with the volunteer work despite my deeply depressed state hoping the meds will start to take effect? Do I go home (thus admitting defeat) and try to recover (in peace) where I have the proper resources (but no job to return to and potentially feeling like a failure) and try again when I am feeling better? Or do I stay here (feeling in limbo) every day, hemorraghing money and feeling completely out of sorts as I try to act 'normal' in front of my family? Might I add I have spent a huge chunk of my savings in order to get this far. What to do? Follow through with my plan (while severely depressed and anxious)? Go home to recover (failure of my goal)? Stay here (feeling like a burden, extremely out of sorts, wasting money, but hopeful for a return to my normal state)?

[Hidden]

You describe how you feel where you are right now as pretty debilitating. Can you phone your doctor and talk to him/her and ask if you should continue with the ‘wait and see’ approach? If so, another week and then decide?

Keep in mind going home is not admitting defeat, you are ill. Decide if you need rest, different treatment and maybe a different place to relax for recovery. Weigh the pros and cons of doing all scenarios.

[Depresseddoglover in reply to Hidden]

Thank-you for responding. Unfortunately, I cannot speak with my doctor directly. I know that medication takes 4-6 weeks to begin working but I don't have any medical counsel at the moment and daily life is extremely hard. I have been weighing the pros and cons and I cannot come to any sort of conclusion. My indecision is not helping matters, but it does help to hear that going home is not admitting defeat.

[quitter333]

it sounds like you are doing a fu**kton of things at once.

Do you have anything that has long-term aim and requires your attention for prolonged time? Can that be the root of depression aside from purely physiological factors?

..

secondly - As my experience shows, sometimes even when we feel bad, simply doing things can improve life a lot.

Depends if you think you wont die there, I'd say - keep doing what you're doing. Completion of plans brings satisfaction. You already name canceling your volunteer work as "defeat" so it sounds you will just spirall into a worst state.

[Depresseddoglover in reply to quitter333]

Thank-you for your response - not volunteering does feel like defeat but I am seriously doubting my abilities to function and going home feels like the 'safest' option. I just don't want to regret it and feel like a failure. However, I am willing to do anything to feel better. I just don't know what that is....

[quitter333 in reply to Depresseddoglover]

that is - doing what you intended and actually completing your plans? Leaving things undone (even when they eventually cease to be important) is depressive for me.

[urbetterthanthem]

I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you..have you tried warmline.org ? various lines to talk to people about things..Also I have tried a bit of offical epsom salt from pharmacy in a hot bath to help sleep..also decaf green tea for l-theanine

[Mumma_h]

Hi there,so sorry to hear your predicament,it sounds like really Stough time for you and now you have more stress on top deciding what to do .Is it possible to push back your volunteer work and give yourself a couple of weeks to heal ,or do charity at another place if you cant. It would give your mind a break on deciding what to do and give your meds a chance to kick in and time for yourself to other things to help, meditation ( not my thing but many love it),long walks? Read ? Sightseeing?Whatever you like to do . And time to go to a doctor and chat about your meds and talk about how you're feeling so you feel you have a plan If it turns out you can't volunteer could you use the time as a holiday with family for yourself and again use the time to do some healing . If none of this is possible you are absolutely not a failure!! It's just unfortunate and bad timing,To have a huge heart where you want to volunteer your time and have compassion is an accomplishment already and you can go back to that anytime, volunteers are always needed. Feeling bad about it won't help your depression and it's ok to take care of you.. Talk to and lean on your family,,a good talk can do wonders and help ease the worry and the stress.Whatever happens it will be ok,put your mental health first and be kind to yourself!! I hope you start to feel less stress soon and start to feel better and more peace❤️🌈

[seekingSunshine]

Maybe have your hormones checked. Could you get an opinion from doctor where you are at?

[bear4ble]

Cannot offer much except to suggest that you could watch 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson on Youtube. Most doctors are baffled by headology. My thoughts go out to you.