Hello there just wanted some advice on my mood over this topic
My mum has vascular dementia but she’s one of those ladies you may not even no she had it yet she’s only 52.sometimes she speaks out of turn sometimes you wouldn’t have a clue
Recently I lost my baby via misscarrige at 3 months and my mum has made friends with this lady I don’t really know her !but she keeps wanting to introduce me to her as she’s recently just had a baby !i already have children but I’m finding it so difficult after my misscarrige
so one day I went to visit the lady as my mum said she’s finding parenting hard and she’s my age so I visit her and to be honest I didn’t make much effort with my appearance as I just dropped my kids at school and the lady was having a baby ceremony !with lots of people and didn’t look like she was struggling at all !but my mum kept asking if I wanted to hold the baby and cooing over her which I know is a normal thing but I just felt like I didn’t want to be there as I just had a misscarrige I had to hold back my tears and the lady was no damsel in distress she mentioned.
So today she again asked me to see this lady and she gave the lady my phone number I got the message she sent me saying how are you so I sent her a message back saying hope you and baby are well that was end of that and I kept thinking to myself this lady Dosent really need my company she’s got people around.
Now my mum sends me a text saying it’s a pity you are not coming as I told her I’m sorry she’s struggling but I’ve got so much on myself I don’t want to wear my self out and visit as I already have plans with my mum that day to go to a class with her
But now I’m thinking why does my mum Keep saying this lady has no one she said no one has been round since the party and that we should go see her I feel like she’s trying to set a friendship up but I really don’t need that right now what I’ve got is enough and she said it’s only time I can spend with you on my own but it’s not true I can spend time with her at her class
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Afrohair
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9 Replies
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You needn’t go out of your way to form a friendship with this woman. You already met her once, and it’s perfectly ok to not care to see her again.
Your mom is being a bit too pushy but probably doesn’t realize it, and that’s ok.
Simply say that you are not up to socializing with this person, you are still grieving the loss of your baby.
It was quite insensitive of your mom to keep asking if you’d like to hold the baby, but again, you mentioned the dementia so obviously she’s unaware.
Just say thanks, but no thanks, and leave it at that. You’re not being insensitive. I wouldn’t want to hang out with a new mom of a new baby after I experienced a miscarriage.
Thanks for your reply I was worried I was being insensitive towards the lady but she really seemed like she didn’t need me and we barley had anything in common my mum kept saying we’re similar age but we’ve got totally different backgrounds the lady was saying the baby’s waking up at night was too much for her and without being awful I was thinking be grateful for what god gave you, my first child I was a single mum you obviously wanted a baby.i just kept thinking if my thoughts were valid and I really didn’t know what to say cause all I kept thinking about was the baby I lost but then I didn’t want to even touch her baby cause I don’t really like touching other peoples baby’s what aren’t mine so I felt out of place and like I shouldn’t have gone and then with her saying it’s a pity I thought why can’t you see I just lost a baby X
If you’re asked by her why you’re not coming over you are permitted to let her know that you’re just not comfortable being around a newborn as you’ve just lost a baby.
Then, just walk away from this and don’t worry about it - you are not being insensitive, you’re not being cruel.
Yes this is true I was tempted to say it that day but didn’t no weather to cause I could feel myself holding back my tears when I held her I immediately had to put the baby back in her cot because I didn’t want to explain my feelings at that moment especially as I didn’t know her
Thankyou I guess I needed validation l saw my mum today and told her I wasn’t comfortable right now after my misscarrige she must have thought seeing a baby might have helped I don’t know why she thought that but that’s what she said .I just feel like I can’t even look at a new born right now
do you think that perhaps your mother is really encouraging you because she feels it is you who needs a friend? and friendship goes both ways, of course.
also, as anyone on this site can tell you, outward appearances can be decieving. this woman may appear fine on the outside, at a party with all herfriends around, yet actually be strugling inside, or when she and the baby are alone.
why not reach out to her again, with a more genuine compassionate effort, and see if maybe you really can help each other through mutual friendship.
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Am I being just wimpy?
Am I in the wrong? Trigger warning
Am I just bad at being an adult? 
I am a shitty person 
I need advice if I am being selfish here
