“welcome 2019 i still have alot of shit to work on but i will be back stronger than ever and ill probably go through terrible times but ill grow with its gonna prolly take time tho but i wanna be as healthy and calm ...as much as possible“
Bits and pieces from where my first panic attack , i wrote about everything but never in detail until that day , it started with a simple comment at a simple doctors appointment
“, im also worried about my docs appointment today im finally gonna go but im thinking alot and stressing alot tbh”
..im copying some of these from my notes and diaries that i wrote that day , little did i know a simple comment will change my life ..thats why we never really know what others are thinking when you talk about smth that seems simple , he simply said you must be always anxious because your blood pressure is a bit high ..
Came back , and just panicked the night away , i didnt have any knowledge about blood oressure, anxiety, panic and i seriously thought that anxiety jever gets better or atleast in my case which if i knew what i know now i wouldnt ever suffered this bad for monthhs , the winter started and the new year did as well , daily panic , obsessive blood pressure measuring etc.. anger problems, irrational thoughts , weird thoughts , scary thoughts etc... until i registered here in january
2 months later i finally started to find tools that made me feel like i can even think of hope , breathing exercises , meditation etc..
But the anxiety surprisengly stayed, i opened a gate i couldnt close, all those feelings rushing , i became very weak mentally that things i never felt before occured , i would panic after eating , when thinking of anything , doing anything , rock bottom, thinking about death all the time, panicking about everything , wanting so bad to control it because or as if my life depended on it because my health was getting affected
The summer went by , panic attacks here and there , anxiety , but finding hope and ways to cope , longer breaks from anxiety made me happy but also scared to think ahead of the future ..reached final exams ..crucial for my future , i panicked so much and the results in august , god that night was hell , i was thinking i was gonna die from it since april probably , i would think ahead to any fearful thought in the future if that makes sense ..long story short i couldnt not think of the future but i didnt want to as well
I started then reaching a point where i am getting better , i go to social events, less thoughts than before , more confidence , i decided to get some fears i developed after the anxiety disorder , like participating in plays , social events etc..
I still have this fear of the things scaring me and their affects on my body , its extremely scary i dont want to go more into it , because of all the superstitious thinking , fear of saying something it will come true or jinx it , magical thinking ?
But a breakthrough came when i learned about PMR muscle relaxation technique , and more ways and realizations to cope and relief the anxiety , the main thing was knowing that anxiety wont last , and that there will always be hope , its cliche but it happened to me and many people here many times , we give up hope then we find something , or realize something because i realized too that our thoughts are irrational , and even if they are rational or they will come true they wont be as bad as we think because our minds exaggerate ..alot more to say but i think that is enough
I got a bit anxious thinking abiut this ONE YEAR MARK .. all those days of,hopelessness , those days of small victories and changes in my personality
A few days ago i had a social event , very crowded and alot of people , i got anxious but not to the point i did in april in my other social event , they were both the same event , but i wasnt the same person , that day i was soo panicky and i couldnt comorehend how severe the panic was i was out of my skin.
2020 i hope to be a year of goodness, i really hope it goes well , i am worried things wont go well but i learned i cant control things and learned to not worry about things
Alot has changed byt there is still more as i said in the first two lines , another year , more hard work , here is to a year of less anxiety , less migraines , less panic, more peace , better relationships with others
I dont blame the doctor , yes this changed my life , it was a rollercoaster up and down , but every once in a while i am so thankful for the growth and mental knowledge i have now , its just hard and im gripping on all the hope i have , i want therapy ,and support , i dont have any of those now , but i will work to get them in my personal life not just online , thanks alot to all the people here i cant express my gratitude for all the advices and tools i learned about to reach a point where i finally feel im in a good mental state
Can someone please help me?
Please help. Need someone to talk 
Trying to be independent and not reliant on someone that isn't helping very much.
